Hold on to your seats. MTV2 recently announced the return of everyone's favorite Claymation series. Celebrity Deathmatch is being revived for a seventh season, and we could not be more excited. Gomez and Nick Diamond are climbing back in the commentators booth for the first time since 2007, and we're letting our imaginations run wild.
A lot has changed since the last season of the show, a time when Skrillex was in rock bands and Martin Garrix was but a child. In 2015, EDM is ripe for parody. We didn't want to wait to see what MTV 2 comes up with so we wrote our own dream episodes. Yes, it's graphic, it's violent, and it's awful, but that's what made Celebrity Deathmatch so good.
In the timeless words on referee Mills Lane: "Let's get it on!"
Round 1: Deadmau5 vs. Krewella
Deadmau5 has fired shots in Krewella's direction more than once, most recently over unplugged gear at Ultra Music Festival, but what would happen if the biggest hater of them all met his foes in the street? We imagine Mills Lane saying "let's get it on," at which point Deadmau5 grabs his phone and starts typing. "What's he doing?" Johnny Gomez says. "He's tweeting," Nick Diamond responds. "It seems Deadmau5 doesn't know how to fight offline." The Yousaf sisters kick him in the nuts and shove his phone down his throat, but he spits it back up and starts ripping off their arms. "We all know you don't need those to press play," he laughs. Suddenly, DJ Pauly D appears all like "Momma taught me never to hit a woman," and before you know it, all one million Deadmau5 twitter beef victims are ganging up on him. Mickey delivers the final blow with a cease and desist shot through a rocket to the dome all like "there can be only one." Deadedmau5, more like it.
Round 2: Hardwell vs. Kygo
Hardwell is the so-called number one DJ in the world. Kygo is the heir-apparent to the crossover kingdom. "It's time to go hard or go home, coconut boy," Hardwell smirks. "I replaced Avicii at TomorrowWorld in 2014, and I can replace you," Kygo shouts as he jumps on Hardwell's back and stretches out his eyelids. Hardwell does a summersault and shakes him off. He climbs the ropes saying "Tropical house isn't even a real genre," before getting in a nasty elbow drop. Kygo pukes up strawberry daiquiri but recovers quickly and pummels Hardwell under his fists. The DJ Mag favorite sneaks in an uppercut and knocks Kygo off balance. "I'm gonna fuck you up, just like I fucked Sally," he says through a bloody mug. "That song is awful. Behold my new live production." Kygo throws his hands up into the sky as a piano appears in front of him and a bright Kygo "X" appears at his back. He angrily brings his hands down on the keys, but starts playing resort lobby music to the tune of "Firestorm." The crowd throws their hands up and pyrotechnics start going off around him. The arena is turned into a main stage performance, and Hardwell is fuming. He stomps over to the piano saying "No one is going to steal my top spot," before picking up the keyboard in both hands and beating Kygo in the face with it. The music slowly dies as the crowd gasps, and Mills Lane pulls Hardwell off to raise his winning hand in the air. "Still number one, whatever that means."
Round 3: Seth Troxler vs. Steve Aoki
Seth Troxler doesn't mind speaking up against the mainstream, and the Dim Mak leader doesn't mind being the face of it. Troxler gets the first attack in with a hypnotizing line of repetitive house rhythms. It puts Aoki to sleep, giving Troxler the chance to smother Aoki in birthday cake. "He's struggling under the weight of his own gimmick," Diamond shouts, but Aoki is only energized by the sugary mess. He starts climbing all over the ring, jumping off the ropes and doing catapults into Troxler's gut. He rips off his shirt in aggression. "Two can play that game," Seth smirks. He gets totally naked as the audience gasps in a strange mix of horror and awe. Aoki doesn't miss a beat and pummels Troxler to the ground with a violent spray of champagne. He goes in for the kill, whipping out Benihana knives to chop and flip his foe into bite-size pieces. "Troxler teriyaki is on the menu," Gomez quips. "He may be disturbing to watch, but damn if Aoki isn't entertaining."
Round 4: Zedd vs. Justin Bieber
Also known as the Battle of Selena Gomez's Boyfriends. "I want you to know that I'm being good to your girl," Zedd sings. "Stay the night if you want," Bieber sings back. "I'm done with her." He points his hand at the producer and his monkey leaps onto Zedd's screaming face. Bieber cackles and starts peeing on Zedd's leg. "Fuck Bill Clinton," he yells inexplicably. The monkey knocks Zedd over, giving him the chance to rip it off and into the audience. "You're just a spoiled little boy who needs a daddy," Zedd says. He bends Bieber over and spanks him with his belt. He drops the bloody butt-ed Bieber and waves to the adoring crowd, but the Biebs shuffles to his feet. "Hey, I closed out the Ultra main stage, and I'm not even a DJ. What's your excuse?" Zedd starts to argue but Bieber starts slapping him silly with wads of cash. He laughs like a giddy little girl until Zedd falls to the floor and kicks Bieber's feet out from under him. "Usher can't save you now," he says as he crushes Bieber's balls with his boot, then he sits on Biebers face until he stops kicking. "Guess we don't have to worry about hearing that deep house album anymore," Diamond chuckles, and the crowd goes wild.
Round 5: David Guetta vs. The Play Button
It's France's most commercially successful DJ against EDM's least reputable best friend. Guetta begins with a rant about how he was totally cool back in the early 2000s. "You know you liked Pop Life when it came out. Stop denying me." But the Play Button, whom we imagine as a morph suit body with a green-halo'd "play" circle for a head, is unmoved. "I'll make you famous like you always wanted," it hisses. "Look into my eye." It morphs its face into a hallucinogenic, hypnotic circle. Guetta loses his fight and just stares into some unknown void. "It's Tomorrowland all over again," Diamond bemoans. "Damn, you're a sexy bitch," Guetta mumbles, slowly working his way toward the button. "What's this?" Gomez shouts. "The fighters are embracing?" Guetta takes his clothes off and climbs on top of the button. "It seems this is what really happens when love takes over," Diamond says. "Er, we're going to have to go to commercial."
Round 6: Skrillex vs. Aphex Twin
Skrillex once exposed the idiocy of his fans when he announced his favorite song as Aphex Twin's "Flim." His followers flocked to the YouTube link and were all "where's the drop?" But Skrillex is well-known for his varied musical tastes, and now that his hero is back in business, he sees it as the perfect opportunity. We find him standing alone in the ring, talking to the air. "Hey man. I just wanna say, man, that you're such an inspiration to me. Your music got me through some hard times. I'm sorry my fans can be so brash. But hey man, I was thinking, why don't we do a collaboration? We could just get together and jam, man. It could be really cool. Let's see where the music takes us." We hear a cartoon drop noise from out in the distance, but just as Skrillex looks up, a giant piano falls onto his head. "Oh no! Where did that come from?" Diamond asks. The spotlight races around the crowd and lands on a creepy Richard D. James smile in the back corner just before the body it's attached to scuttles off into mysterious darkness like a scared rat.
Round 7: Paris Hilton vs. Annie Mac
In this corner, we have a legend that fought her way to the top through decades of experience with the power to make or break a record in a single spin. In this corner, we have the human equivalent of a "You Can't Sit With Us" t-shirt. Mac slaps the shit out of the 34-year-old woman-child with classic vinyl. "DJs are supposed to break records," she says, smashing some wax over Hilton's head. She shoves the shards in her artificially-blue eyes and is all "tell me again how the 'Stars are Blind.'" But Paris has the power of magic and money on her side. She shoves a stack of thousands into Mac's mouth, then calls that freaky unicorn from the "Come Alive" music video to carry the UK legend away. As much as we don't want to say it, you just can't stop Hilton's mountain of cash.
Round 8: House Tiësto vs Trance Tiësto
It's today's richest DJ versus the biggest DJ of ten years ago. House Tiësto may be 46, but he's more energetic and tackles Trance Tiësto to the ground. They roll about the ring until Trance Tiësto gets the upper hand. "Why did you ever leave me?" he says choking his doppelgänger in rage. "We could have listened to 'Adagio For Strings' on minidisc repeat forever." House Tiësto kicks him off with both legs and stands. "Your sound is played out. I have to be in touch with this generation of artists. I'm a godfather to them!" He fires off main stage fireworks in Trance Tiësto's direction, but he misses. "Your aim is off," T.T. laughs. "Have you been hitting the bottle? I like you better when you're wasted." Trance Tiësto throws hair gel in House's face, but it only makes his coif spikier. "I can't be stopped. I'm loaded." H.T. calls in his private jet. He means to escape, but the pilot swerves erratically and the jet crashes into both of them. It's a bloody mess of smoke and machinery, but the pilot has survived. "Oh my god," Diamond yells, "Is that? It is! It's Paris Hilton!" The heiress removes her helmet and staggers to the floor. "Jets are hot. This doesn't look like Ibiza. This party is stupid." Then she vomits.
Round 9: Diplo vs. Decency
Speaking of figureheads who refuse to act like adults, Diplo is 36 and coming up on his first boner. The musical pioneer has been riding the same booty joke for six years, and it's starting to feel like maybe he just doesn't respect the ladies. A cacophony of shrill anger pierces the audience's ears as women start airing their grievances. "I know how to drown out the haters," Diplo says as he climbs behind a DJ booth and mixes infectious stripper beats. The women are sucked in by the power of the music. "It's so catchy," they say. "I know I'm not a 'ho.' I am empowered by my twerking." They rip their clothes off and Express themselves all over the ring. What's this? Taylor Swift drops from the sky, floating in on a literal giant ass. "Who wants to talk about butts now?" she cries. "I made you what you are," he yells at the gelatinous bulb, but it's too late. Diplo is swallowed whole by the giant booty. "Let's see that again," indeed.
Round 10: SFX vs. Live Nation vs. AEG
Lol, jk. This is EDM already, every day. None of these entities will ever die.
Thanks for watching!
(No DJs were harmed in the making of this list.)