The thirst is real now more than ever, and as a hometown DJ with a $60 Tony & Guy haircut, you're looking for any angle possible to come out ahead of the competition. You've bought the gear, started your own SoundCloud page, and uploaded a deep house mixtape that sounds more alike to a set of Jamie Oliver Collection pots and pans falling down a flight of stairs. Three days later and you still haven't been picked up by The Windish Agency—you haven't even cracked 50 plays yet. With the sudden hindsight of a toddler who's just stuck a key in an electrical socket, you realize that your bio is as shallow and barren as your personality. You hit the bottle, pull out a thesaurus and get to work creating a masterpiece that will get you more gigs and pussy than you could even begin to imagine.Local DJs, if this is you then I want to be the hand that flips the switch and make you realize that your bio doesn't mean shit. Your Twitter location doesn't mean shit, and your profile picture doesn't mean shit either. All that matters is that your music (or mixing) stands out and you know how to network yourself. Just look at What So Not: they used a cartoon dog as cover art and it didn't make their tracks bang any less.A fellow staffer recently wrote about loving River Tiber for (among many reasons) using as few adjectives as possible in their bio. Now, let's look to the other end of the spectrum at local Canadian DJs whose name I've omitted in the interest of fairness. Below are real quotes taken from the artist's bio, found after a few cursory minutes on SoundCloud."[He] is a CROWD HYPE MACHINE. His music is like a drug, one that you can't get enough of and easily get addicted too."
These sentences read were structured with a two by four, and I'm sure the DEA will have some concerns with "Tech a Load of this House volume 4.""Hailing from __________, Canada. He spits fire from his mouth and his mad hands create sets that are masterpieces."
In what world is a (presumably drunken) fire hazard an asset to any club?"He throws down shit loads of mash-ups, battle scratches, and hyperactive microphone antics while jumping up and down and going insane over his beats."
So, you've got Tourette's and jack yourself off."He is a true champion on the ones and twos. He has never ending infectious energy and he is so hype that we think he is a robot sent back from the future to have sex with your ears and give you your first ever ear orgasm."
Speaks for itself."He rocks out the dance floor and leaves the crowd sweating, screaming his name and chanting "one more song." His friends dubbed him __________. Gonna Make You Sweat."
No, they don't."Expect to be dancing in your bare feet and having sex with the speaker system."
I prefer my shoes leather and my sex, human."You'll wake up in the morning with [his] song stuck in your head and think to yourself: "What a magical night, I want to live there." Well you can, it's called Hell and [he] is the official DJ."
When I wake up in the morning, my only thought is "I want to die," but you've given me a new lease on life. Heaven forbid I pass away and have to bear your "Animals" mash-ups for the rest of eternity."Then you call your boss and quit your job and tell your mom that you had the best night of your life and you are moving to Ibiza. [He] is that crazy and addicting."
Sorry, Los Zetas. Your cocaine is no good now."With his "Go Big or Go Home" attitude, and with his jaw dropping heavy "PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE WITH MY BASS" style is guaranteed to explode the dance floor. [He] promises to "tear your f***ing heads off and s**t party rocking beats down your throats all night long while singing along to every song with my classic mash-up style.""
Bonus points for quoting yourself in your own bio."Be prepared to be addicted to [him] and become a ________ Beat Junkie, pledging allegiance to his growing number of fans. You cannot get enough of this kid, or as [he] likes to say: "Welcome to my world.""
I'm ready.
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These sentences read were structured with a two by four, and I'm sure the DEA will have some concerns with "Tech a Load of this House volume 4.""Hailing from __________, Canada. He spits fire from his mouth and his mad hands create sets that are masterpieces."
In what world is a (presumably drunken) fire hazard an asset to any club?"He throws down shit loads of mash-ups, battle scratches, and hyperactive microphone antics while jumping up and down and going insane over his beats."
So, you've got Tourette's and jack yourself off.
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Speaks for itself."He rocks out the dance floor and leaves the crowd sweating, screaming his name and chanting "one more song." His friends dubbed him __________. Gonna Make You Sweat."
No, they don't."Expect to be dancing in your bare feet and having sex with the speaker system."
I prefer my shoes leather and my sex, human."You'll wake up in the morning with [his] song stuck in your head and think to yourself: "What a magical night, I want to live there." Well you can, it's called Hell and [he] is the official DJ."
When I wake up in the morning, my only thought is "I want to die," but you've given me a new lease on life. Heaven forbid I pass away and have to bear your "Animals" mash-ups for the rest of eternity."Then you call your boss and quit your job and tell your mom that you had the best night of your life and you are moving to Ibiza. [He] is that crazy and addicting."
Sorry, Los Zetas. Your cocaine is no good now."With his "Go Big or Go Home" attitude, and with his jaw dropping heavy "PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE WITH MY BASS" style is guaranteed to explode the dance floor. [He] promises to "tear your f***ing heads off and s**t party rocking beats down your throats all night long while singing along to every song with my classic mash-up style.""
Bonus points for quoting yourself in your own bio."Be prepared to be addicted to [him] and become a ________ Beat Junkie, pledging allegiance to his growing number of fans. You cannot get enough of this kid, or as [he] likes to say: "Welcome to my world.""
I'm ready.