The NHL's Balance of Power Is Shifting to the Eastern Conference

Hey. Look at you. The Western Conference. You probably don't even recognize me, but it's me, the Eastern Conference. We've been working side-by-side for years and there were a couple times … the Eastern Conference. I'm the Eastern Conference. How do you not remember me? What do you mean, you didn't realize there was an East? You're the West; there has to be an East. Are you that self-involved?

But hey, I get it. For 10 years, you sort of ran roughshod over me. Does a windshield recognize a bug? Does a shoe recognize an ant? Do the other sports leagues recognize the NHL? Sure, it's understandable. Clearly you haven't noticed the changes I've been going through the past year so you didn't realize it's me that's been kicking your ass lately. I've been on this protein-only diet and paired with a Crossfit regime four days a week that … that's not important.

Since 2005-06, you buried me in the regular season. It wasn't until last year that you lost the season-long head-to-head matchups between us. You worked us over real good up until the 2015-16 season, when we earned 10 more points in our interconference games. That's how we knew the change was coming. That's how we knew that ownership of the East would no longer…

What are you laughing at? Hey, buddy, eat me. We won fair and square and … OK, fine. A 10-point difference over the course of six months isn't a big deal. You have to see it from our perspective — we lost this battle for 10 straight years so we're going to grasp onto any … why are you still laughing at us? We still won. Do the Patriots laugh at the Giants because they barely lost two Super Bowls to them? Yeah, I think not.

OK, fine. Do you know who won the Stanley Cup last year? Yeah, not laughing now, are you? The Pittsburgh Penguins, baby! They stormed through the San Jose Sharks — a sure sign you were slipping as a conference was that you let the Sharks through to the Stanley Cup Final — and won it all. That signaled the start of … what's that? Who won the previous four Stanley Cups? How is that relevant? Why would we … fine, it was a Western team. There. I said it. Are you happy?

But we had our Stanley Cup success over the past 10 years even when you were kicking our teeth down our throats in the regular season. In 2011, we had the Boston Bruins and … OK, they won three Game 7s and had to murder like eight Canucks defensemen to win that Final. What about 2009, when the same Penguins… yeah, the NHL forcing the Red Wings to start that series with back-to-back games on the weekend two days after winning the conference final wasn't fair. But in 2006, the Carolina Hurricanes … OK, that was ridiculous. No one knew how to play hockey in the new NHL yet and the Edmonton Oilers reached the Final that year, so we can both agree that season shouldn't count for either of us.

So let's live in the now. I won the regular season in 2015-16, the Stanley Cup in 2016 and that pain in your lower stomach has been me kicking you in the balls for the first month this season.

Have you looked at your conference? Have you seen how you've let yourself go? If this were a high school reunion, you'd be the former football jock that bullied everyone and is now the overweight, balding used car salesman on his third wife. I am the computer nerd that got stuffed in the locker for four years that earned billions on a dating app that brings you free pancakes on first dates. I own you now. You work for me. Embrace the new reality and get inside the locker, dork.

(Sorry about that balding, car salesman, third wife thing. Balding is genetic, selling cars is a fine profession if you're honest with customers and I don't want to judge what happened in your first two marriages. Sometimes people grow apart. We can talk about that if you want. I'm here for you.)

I am 64-37-15 against you this season through Tuesday's games. (You're probably wondering why I'm using a statistic through Tuesday when this is appearing on the Internet on Thursday and there is a day between Tuesday and Thursday. Well, maybe I wanted to confront you about this on Thanksgiving but wanted to get to this to my editor as early as possible to prevent him or her from having extra work the day before a holiday. I'm having the consideration you never had for me, Western Conference.)

Anyway, I have a 143-114 edge in points earned between our conferences this season. That projects out to … multiply it by the … yes, yes … and add the remainder … and yes, it projects out to be the biggest groin kicking since the season-long lockout. What happened to you? Have you seen yourself lately?

Look at your Pacific Division. Just look at it. It's pathetic. The Oilers are 11-8-1 and leading that division? Are the Flames, Canucks and Coyotes even NHL teams? You've got that trio of incompetence to feast on and that's the best you can do?

A quick glance at your conference as a whole shows four teams have more wins than losses. Four! We have twice that. We have four in each division. It seems unfair that you're allowed to send eight teams to the playoffs. I'll talk to my friends at the NHL to see about doing a 10-6 split this year to keep things fair. It's bad enough I didn't say anything about the Wild getting to the playoffs last season with 87 points so I'm not letting four Wilds get there again this year.

Your goal differentials are sad, too. The Wild are your only positive team in double digits and they're plus-11. And they're 9-7-2. I'll open an investigation to see if that plus-11 is even legitimate. Bad enough they stole the Dallas Stars history for their outdoor game but they're not stealing a playoff spot for a second year in a row.

Oh, me? Glad you asked. I've got four teams at plus-13 or better. And that includes the Canadiens, who lost 10-0 to the Blue Jackets, a bad team by most measures but it's OK to lose that badly in the East. It's tough in here. The Blue Jackets might be undefeated if they played in the Pacific.

Heck, if you didn't stick me with the crappy Red Wings a few years back, I'd be even better. But I don't mind you dumping your aging teams in decline onto me if you can't support them anymore. I'll make room for the Blackhawks and Kings in a couple years. Think of me as the retirement home for dying teams.

Wait, are you crying? Oh my god, are you crying? Dude, have some self-respect. Even I didn't cry when I sent the New Jersey Devils to the Finals in 2012. Get a hold of yourself. When you send St. Louis to get slaughtered in the Finals this year against the Penguins, Capitals, Lightning, Canadiens or Rangers — boy, I really have all the true Cup contenders now, don't I? — then you can cry.

And if you want a silver lining, you're getting Las Vegas next year…oh, sorry…you're getting VEGAS next year. Thanks to the rules of the expansion draft and free agency, the Golden Knights are sure to be a competitive team right away that …

Hahahaha, I'm sorry. I can't. I can't keep a straight face when saying that. I am going to kick your ass for the next decade and have a blast doing it.