If this isn't the perfect distillation of FIFA's bungling, too-big-to-fail nature, I don't know what is. Jack Warner—the disgraced former president of CONCACAF who resigned in 2011 amid accusations of, wait for it, corruption—uploaded a video to his official Facebook page to dispute U.S. Justice Department accusations leveled against him and FIFA as a whole. One of his more persuasive arguments is how can FIFA be corrupt if the incumbent president, Sepp Blatter, was just reelected for a fifth consecutive term? "If I was so bad, and if FIFA is so bad, how come the head of FIFA is not?" A very good question, Jack!
But it gets better. Warner swiftly moves from that point to his ace in the hole. This is like a Perry Mason scene if Perry Mason were a scrambling mess looking for any possible out and had no familiarity with well-known American satire. "And then I look to see that FIFA has frantically announced 2015—2015, this year!—Olympic final in the World Cup begin May 27th. If FIFA is so bad, why is it the USA wants to keep the FIFA World Cup." Another very good question from Jack here, but the answer, sadly, is in his wonderful visual aid. He is holding a printout (old people are adorable) of an article from The Onion, published on the day the Justice Department charges were announced, with the following kicker:
At press time, the U.S. national team was leading defending champions Germany in the World Cup's opening match after being awarded 12 penalties in the game's first three minutes.
Warner sees this fake article as proof that the FIFA witch hunt is really because the United States is pissed it wasn't awarded the World Cup. But that is sort of confusing because the World Cup is very clearly already underway. it says so right up there. Anyway, hopefully you enjoyed this read before USMNT's big game against Seychelles in the World Cup Final this afternoon.
UPDATE June, 2: The video we embedded earlier was from Jack Warner's official YouTube account. At some point, Warner deleted the video from his official account, presumably because he thought it would then cease to exist, but this is the internet. It will live forever and the video above—containing the very same "points" as the original—is proof.