Aww, look at you. You've made it three whole days without drinking or eating an entire bag of Totino's pizza rolls as a sanck. We bet you're just dying to self-congratulate at this moment and loudly brag about eating a kale and quinoa salad for lunch at your desk today. And you only ate seven peanut butter M&Ms from the company vending machine instead of your usual 35? Let us grab your trophy!
Listen: This whole thing isn't going to last. It was nice thinking that you could melt off the layer of blubber that arose from all of those mugs of egg nog and handfuls of cheeseballs in a couple of weeks by just thinking of yourself as some kind of Moon Juice-ass, Jillian Michaels-inspired lifestyle guru, but it isn't going to happen. If you're not a health nut for the rest of the calendar year, you're surely not going to do a 180 and actually be able to stick with it now.
Here's a recipe for some really, really good chocolate cake. It's got both milk and dark chocolate mixed into its batter, a chocolate wafer crust, and a layer of chocolate-vanilla mousse. When we say that it's "not your mama's chocolate cake," that's because your mom couldn't drum up a dessert this sexy, and even if she did, it would almost make you uncomfortable with its edible sensuality. Look away, mom!
Put down the kombucha and indulge in some chocolate therapy. Accept your fate. It's better over here, anyway. Let us eat cake.