Kelly's Krush Korner - Rooney Mara

I saw "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" with my mom and got to feel awkward shame over being accidentally turned on by rape scenes. I can't help it that my vagina is a serial killer.

Over Christmas break I went to Illinois to spend a week at my parent’s house. All we did was sit around and eat and watch TV. On Christmas Eve Eve we all piled into the car and went to the movies to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and I got to sit next to my mom and feel awkward shame over being accidentally turned on by rape scenes. Listen, I know how that sounds, but I can’t help it that my vagina is a serial killer. More offensive than me grappling with wanting to touch my privates and vomit at the same time was the fact that this movie tricked me into feeling sexy things for a blonde. Disgusting, right?

Not since the real time, on TV days of Buffy Summers have I allowed myself to feel romantic warmth for a true blonde (Katie Stelmanis, you don’t count. I see those roots, girl), but now here we are, in the newness of a new year, and Google Image is revealing to me that Rooney Mara, AKA, Lisbeth Salander, is not the raven-haired rabblerouser who was presented to me on screen. No, on her non-movie making days, she lives her life as a blonde. And whatever, you’re probably thinking something like “um, it’s an actor’s job to look different in movies.” I understand that, and I am OK with actors lying to my eyes for money, but boundaries are crossed when they lie to my clitoris. BOUNDARIES!

Oh, and two more really funny things happened in relation to seeing, or having people see, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The first is that during the credits, when Trent Reznor and Karen O’s version of “Immigrant Song” started playing, my dad leaned over my mom to whisper-scream, “YEAH! IMMIGRANT SONG” into my face. The second thing is that a few nights later an extremely young friend of mine Facebooked me to say that the combo of reading my Karen O Krush Korner, seeing this movie, and listening to that song made her want to hate fuck someone, for which she thanked me.

That same very young friend is also the one who requested I write about Rooney Mara. At first I was like, “Are you aware that she spends her life looking like this?” To which she responded, “Yeah, but right now she looks like this.” I am happy to see that Rooney is embracing her new appreciation for darkness by staring in movies with Ryan Gosling and possibly (hopefully) letting him put his smooth, circumsized, not at all veiny penis that smells like Christmas trees all the time for no reason, inside of her.

You guys, while looking up these pictures I discovered that Rooney Mara is only 26 years old. This proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am incapable of turning my head for anyone who is even close to my own age.

PS: I am considering winding down Krush Korner (as in, only writing a few more and then not writing them anymore because I’m running out of boners). Are you for or against this idea? I also had this wacky idea that it would be fun to write a Krush Korner about one of you common folk, so if you email me a picture and short bio to reviews@vice.com, I might write about wanting to do it with you. Something to look forward to!

Previously - Mark Wahlberg