Killer Mangoes, Kid-Eating Crocs, and Crackers Up Clackers

It was a good week for dressing like pig in a steakhouse, but a bad week for mangoes and not being eaten by a crocodile.

Two weeks. Just two weeks passed in the Northern Territory without a crocodile eating a small child. A fortnight ago it was a seven-year-old girl; this week, it was a nine-year-old boy. The government, however, remains not so keen about cracking down on these crocs in the aftermath of these tragedies — instead giving the deadly fuckers full protection under NT law. So instead, everyone in the Top End has been advised to just stay away from all water.

Crocodiles weren’t the only threat looming over Territorians this week. Mangoes hospitalised 77 people after a spate of mango sap-induced rash and blister outbreaks.

The takeaway message for the week: the NT is a fine place to live, provided you steer clear of the water and the food. Oh, and there's that impending ‘black swan’ cyclone that’s set to wipe Darwin off the map.

Here are the rest of our highlights.

- A man managed to stroll into a Darwin naval base, overpower the sailor on guard and steal two pump action shot guns and 12 9mm pistols. The police suspected it was an inside job, carried out by someone with military training. Turns out a DJ was involved.

- A 20-year-old man bit a woman’s ear, spat on a police officer and kicked him in the face. He remains in custody, whereas the DJ found with the naval base weapons cache is out on bail.

- NT News deputy editor Paul Dyer snatched up a Walkley, Australia’s most esteemed journalism award, for Best Three Headings. One of the winning headlines: “Why I Stuck A Cracker Up My Clacker”, for a front-page feature on a guy who very nearly blew off his anus.

- A 60-year-old man was fined and had his car impounded for 48 hours after getting caught hooning and doing burnouts. “I won’t lie,” he told police, “I really gave it to it down there”. Said a commenter on the NTNews website: “It’s only ‘hooning’ if you are under 25. Over 60 and it’s just class”.

- Speaking of class, a woman said ‘yes’ to a wedding proposal from her partner of two years, who popped the question at a steakhouse while dressed in a hot pink pig suit. This follows in the footsteps of a fierce public debate over whether Territorian ladies prefer tradies or soldiers. Apparently, pigs’ll do too.

We're sure more things happened that could have been included but that last story bummed us out way too much. See you next week.

Previously - Crocs In Houses, People in Crocs, and Guys Peeing on Everyone