Dear Illuminati Evil Fucks: Tila Tequila Has a Message For You

The other night, while the world was otherwise preoccupied with laughably trivial matters, like that US election thing that people won't stop banging on about, something very serious was going down. Pint-sized porn star and mortal enemy of the juggalos, Tila Tequila, went on a bizarre online rant against Youtube’s favourite one size fits all, hip-hop conspiracy cabal, the Illuminati.

Posted on her website, the caps lock spasm attacks the “illuminati evil fucks” and warns that they’re going to be brought down by – from what I could understand from that rambling, unintelligible mess – a kind of X-Men-esque troupe of humans with superpowers, led from the front by Tila herself. I’m not entirely sure that threatening the Illuminati is the best approach, though, especially considering their track record of horrifically grisly murders (Biggie, Tupac, JFK, Jermain Defoe’s brother, everyone famous ever).

Let’s have a look at the best bits.

"Please excuse my extremely explicit letter to “THE OTHERS” as I have had enough so I just wanted to tell you guys before you read further so please don’t get offended. I don’t usually talk this way but again, this is a letter for “THE OTHERS” so please go ahead and stop reading at this point because my letter to them is NOT pretty. Love you! Now let me get back to my letter to those pricks because I know they are reading this now! Their time is running out. I’m sick of their bullshit and fucking with humanity’s lives as if we are just a bunch of disposable toys to them!”

I'm glad Miss Tequila excused herself for her explicit language – it's nice to have a disclaimer to smokescreen anything potentially offensive – but some punctuation would have been nice. Although, I suppose when "humanity's lives" are at risk, punctuation isn't exactly the first thing to worry about.

In case there's any doubt in your mind, I'm guessing when she talks about "THE OTHERS", it's not a reference to the Nicole Kidman horror flick or the much maligned, post-Libs indie-guerillas, but an accusation directed firmly towards those shady, bald characters who draw triangles on dollar bills and sneak Satanic iconography into Lady Gaga videos. Yeah, the people taking over the world. If that wasn't enough to fulfill your truth-bomb urges, Tila's got plenty more.

“AND BELIEVE ME, ALTHOUGH THE MASSES DON’T KNOW THAT SUPER HUMANS REALLY DO EXIST, WELL I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WE DO SO WE DON’T NEED WEAPONS TO DESTROY YOU! GO ON.. SHOULD I TELL THEM ABOUT THE SUPER HUMANS THAT EXIST AND ALL OF THOSE EXPERIMENTS YOU DO ON THEM TO USE THEIR POWERS FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT? SHOULD I TELL THEM THAT IS WHY SO MANY “MISSING CHILDREN” POP UP EACH YEAR BECAUSE YOU SADISTIC FUCKS WERE THE ONES BEHIND IT??! AGAIN, THERE ARE STILL PLENTY OF US OUT HERE WITH SUPER POWERS AND I WILL GATHER THEM ALL TOGETHER AND YOU EVIL PRICKS ARE ALL GOING DOWN!!!”

Did you hear that? It's time to wake the fuck up from that ignorant slumber of yours and accept the fact that super humans really do exist. Thanks for taking us through the looking glass, Tila. I'd like to imagine this hidden army of all-powerful humans looking a bit like hyper-sexualised Jean Greys with daddy issues and lasers for nipples. But that scenario borrows extensively from something I saw on Sexcetera a couple of years ago, so don't follow me to the letter when you're trying to track down the discreet, sexy super humans wandering the pavements of your local high street.

“SO WHAT IF YOU ARE ALIEN HYBRID? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU OWN US! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE ARE ABOUT AT LEAST 100 DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALIEN HYBRIDS ON PLANET EARTH RIGHT NOW AND WE ARE ALL WAKING UP HONEY! PREPARE FOR WAR.”

That's right – not only are there people walking among us equipped with super powers and an apparent ability to take down a nonexistent entity imagined by delusional conspiracy theorists, but we now know – thanks to Tila – that the enemy are also part-alien. I'm glad Tila's taken it upon herself to expose all this, because those hand signals that Rihanna and Jay Z do at concerts really weren't giving much away.

"SHALL I TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THE ENTIRE CITY INSIDE THE HOLLOW EARTH? SHALL I TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU CAME HERE AND LEFT YOUR OWN PLANET TO INFILTRATE OURS AND NOW SOME OF YOU STILL CURRENTLY RESIDE ON THE MOON!"

This is where it gets beyond mental. It’s like the central plot of a dreadful sci-fi novel you’d find on the bookshelf of a holiday rental cottage. Where the fuck is she getting all this information? Did she do a personal appearance at this unnamed city’s sleaziest alternative nightclub? And the moon theory? Come on, Ti’, everyone knows the moon doesn’t exist.

Now, it's all well and good laughing at a paranoid delusionalist with one foot lingering in reality, but there's a darker side to all this; it's possible that Tila is suffering from some kind of very serious personality disorder. A couple of years ago, she went on a naked Ustream rant and claimed that Jane, one of her "multiple personalities", was trying to kill her. Sorry to kill the buzz, guys.

Of course, it's more than likely that this could all be one more desperate clamour for attention now that her Myspace days are behind her and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila – the only real broadcast media she's ever been involved in – was cancelled after two seasons.

Regardless of the reason, it's safe to say we can all take something very enlightening away from this: “FUCK FACEBOOK, FUCK THE ILLUMINATI, WE ARE HERE AND THEY CAN’T DO SHIT!!!!!”

Follow Ryan on Twitter: @ryanbassil

Enjoy reading about the secretive sect quietly taking over the world? Try these:

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