Chatting with Riley Kilo: the Diaper-Lovin’ Transgender Porn Star

Here's Riley.

A few years back, TLC’s My Strange Addiction featured an episode with a transgender girl named Riley Kilo who was “addicted” to being a baby. This meant sleeping in a crib, hanging out with stuffed animals as well as wearing and wetting her diapers whenever she felt like it. People were really shocked by this episode and that’s mostly because, yes, being an adult baby is shocking. But Riley’s entire story wasn’t told. She was portrayed as a freak who couldn’t let go of her onesies. Besides being a transgender diaper enthusiast who is into sexual adult play, Riley is also a pornographer who goes by the alias Sadie Hawkins. She was nominated for an AVN Award last year for one of her hardcore scenes and also scored a Tranny Award.

Born in Northern California, Riley spent some time in New York, but has settled back in California to focus on her porn career. “I am pretty damn passionate about how the world treats transgender women,” she told me. “So, immersing myself in the professional porn and sex world allowed me access to people and places that would broaden my perspective.”

I never really could shake Riley’s episode of My Strange Addiciton out of my skull. I had a metric fuckton of questions, so I tracked down Riley on Twitter to talk about adult play, the logistics of diaper fetishism, coming out with a kink, and her porn career. I mean, I was curious, so I asked.

VICE: When did you realize that diaper play was a kink for you, a lifestyle, and how did you first approach it?
Riley Kilo: My first memories are linked with ageplay, peeking out of my door at night to watch my parents play Nintendo, pretending to be a mommy or baby in a stroller. I later became super interested in diapers, even going as far as improvising them. However, puberty made it sexual. It's still sexual, or rather, stimulating, arousing, compliments my interests in humiliation, but it also plays to more therapeutic aspects. I was into diapers and ageplay before my parents got divorced, before the bullying and everything. [My kink] is not product of abuse.

Yeah, that’s an important distinction to make.
I like making that clear. As I got older I started internalizing it more and fearing relationships until I started putting myself out there and meeting others who are into kink. Things have gotten much better in the last eight years or so since I started looking for a partner. This is due largely to people being more open about kink as well as the popularity of the internet.

Can you explain the concept of regression to me?
Regression can be both a paraphilia fetish but it can also be a way to experience feelings you otherwise would not. I’ve got walls like most adults and sometimes it’s hard to let out the sad or the happy or just get your mind off the working world. Finding a positive headspace through the use of comfort objects like diapers and stuffies can be beneficial. I often equate it with prayer or meditation or getting stoned. Those are my zen thoughts on it. I think more into it than others. I think most people sum it up with just the simple idea of “comfort”. It has very little to do with a number age and more do with the expectations of someone that age. To be frank, the feeling of wetting diapers is awesome. The humiliation, the naughtiness and the warmth of doing it yourself, or seeing others is a key factor for diaper enthusiasts.

Really?
Wetting is the proverbial money shot in the diaper wearing experience. The plastic fetishism plays a part in it too. The fact that it kind of neutralizes my genitals like a Barbie doll’s parts… for a transgirl like me, that’s kind of nice. It’s a rich tapestry.

Were you ever afraid of your kink?
Yeah, I felt like I couldn’t give people hugs. I felt like it was going to be either my dirty little secret or keep me single forever. I thought if anyone found out they would laugh or call me a pedophile. It’s so left field of most kinks that it’s difficult to understand. I mean, I can just look at a diaper and get all giddy. It’s a fetish in the purest sense.

Just seeing a diaper gets you excited?
For sure. It’s a conceptual thing. It’s less like looking at a naked girl, but more like looking at a train, if you are really into trains.

Why do you think the whole baby thing appeals to you?
My comfort objects are often those of a baby. It’s an inherent thing for me. To some people cilantro tastes like soap, to me diapers feel really good to wear and wet. I can rationalize it all I want, but I am a lifer. It’s something that’s always been a part of me.

When did it start?
Literally as far back as I can remember. One of my first memories was stuffing napkins into my little league jock strap to stimulate a diaper and I had no fucking clue why I was doing it.

Whoa!
In my lifetime, it’s never going to be accepted as an action really. I don’t think, nor do I care. But the “little” identity is starting to become more common, recognized, tolerated and even accepted in the kink communities. Kind of.

Do you think doing more mainstream press like My Strange Addiction and The Bill Cunningham Show was positive? I mean, it seems like those shows are out to further the idea that your fetishism makes you a “freak”.
It’s still mostly the freak shows that want to have ABDL (Adult Baby/Diaper Lovers) people on. Society still has its boot on the neck of self-expression. Unless you fit in, drink Coke, dress like the people on TV… you are going to get singled out. There’s an agenda for normality because it sells. VICE is the kind of media outlet that would likely give it a fair shake. The queer media has even kind of bashed on me, because of their misconceptions and the overall sickness of what diapers are for most people. The number one question I get from people though is: “Do you shit yourself?”

Well, do you?
I generally don’t. If it’s someone in the community with an open mind I tell them I occasionally do enema play, but very rarely. If I’m feeling playful, I’ll add, “I’m mostly potty trained, but I have accidents.”

Do you ever get diaper rash? How long do you wear a diaper for?
Diaper rash is preventable, but it is a thing that happens. I generally take the summer off or only wear them at night when it’s hot. Some days I don’t even wear a diaper at all. Some days I have a designer crinkle, like a Dry 24/7 or a Bambino, on for most of the day. They are designed to be worn for a longtime. Sometimes I just wear GoodNites or PullUps instead of my normal undies. It’s all about the plastic.

Do you have a partner now and are they into age play?
I don’t have a partner right now, but I have a few “daddies” around the world who are into this. Love doesn’t come easy for a diaper-wearing transgender pornographer, but I do just fine.

Doesn’t this kink get expensive? New parents are always complaining how expensive diapers and baby things are.
For me, no, because I get most stuff sent to me now. There are designer diapers that cost upwards of $2 a pair, but you’d wear that pair for a few hours at least. You can go nuts and build a nursery or you can just have a bag in the closet somewhere.

Do you have a nursery for yourself?
I currently live in Los Angeles, but my nursery is still in Buffalo. I don’t have a nursery right now and my room looks like a college student’s room, but there are stacks of diapers, plastic pants neatly displayed and a childlike theme [in the room]. I can show you the room if you want. I just have to hide my bong.

Wetting doesn’t involve any scat stuff, right?
“Wetting” is pee. “Messing” is scat. I’d say 90% of crinkly people don’t mess and if they do, it’s very rarely.  Scat play is very different than diapers. Diapers are about the act of peeing yourself. But then, there is also “water sports”, which is like peeing on someone’s eyebrow, drinking pee… it’s icky.

So, peeing yourself it hot, but on others is not?
Wetting means peeing your diaper or your panties. Peeing naked is lame. Well, not lame, but to me, it’s just a bodily function so it’s comparatively lame. Then, there’s Omarashi, which is the feeling of desperation with a full bladder and I am into that for sure.

Omarashi is, like, asking for a bladder infection.
It’s mostly about wetting, but yeah, cranberries wouldn’t hurt. But the best thing for me has always been being forced to wet by a “daddy” or “cruel nurse” or “prison guard”, whatever. Roleplay is huge.

How does your identity as a trans person merge with your fetish? Are you on hormones?
I have been on hormones for an upwards of two years. For some, it’s a lifestyle, for some an activity, for me, I’d really like to have the freedom to be “little”, to not have to work and be a grown-up so damn often. It helps me to relax. I’m kind of high-strung, like a transexual Woody Allen. I actually fell off my hormones about a year ago when I moved away from the Bronx. I have been living as a girl for about six years.

What’s your advice to people who are afraid to talk about their kinks or fetishes with their potential partners?
A kink is a thrill and a fetish is a must. Waiting to confront your partner about a kink is a good idea, but waiting to tell them about a core part of your sexual being is bad. I know it can be hard to eliminate insecurities, the fear of rejection is brutal. When you approach someone about this don't make it seem strange, just make it part of you, like singing in the shower or wearing toe socks. Avoid words like “admit”, “weird”, “strange” and substitute works like “share”, “unique” and “discover”. The difference between "I have a fetish" and "I discovered something I like" speaks volumes to the confidence of your actions. You'll be scared, but don't show it.

Follow Mish on Twitter: @myszkaway

Previously about pee:

I Learned How to Pee Like a Man

Why Is There Pee on the Floor?

Men Love a Good Pee Gargler