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Sex

Famous Dads I Want to Bang

While other girls my age pine over that closeted homosexual from <i>Magic Mike</i>, I sit at home dreaming about creepy old actors who have had multiple marriages both on screen and in real life. These are the famous dads I want to bang.

by Sophie Saint Thomas
Jun 15 2014, 12:00pm

P. Diddy, one of the few dads the author doesn't want to fuck. Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons 

It’s Father’s Day, which means it’s time to discuss daddy issues. For those of you who have never screwed a girl with daddy problems, here's the 411 on girls who like to hop on pops: Having daddy issues means a girl grew up with an absent father, so now she chases support and validation through sex with old men, who are dealing with their own set of issues. (They’re screwing girls young enough to be their daughters, after all.)  Most of the time, the dudes never give the girl the support she needs, but sometimes a guy knocks her up, creating a love child who has her own daddy issues since her dad is a dirty old man who will die before her high school graduation. Basically, the daddy problems cycle will perpetuate for eternity until a nuclear war starts, blowing up our homes and killing us all. Happy Father's Day!!!

Like a lot of these girls, I love older men with kids. While happy-go-lucky girls my age pine over that closeted homosexual from Magic Mike, I sit at home dreaming about creepy old actors who have had multiple marriages both on screen and in real life. I especially love these guys when they play white pimps with dreadlocks (Gary Oldman in True Romance) and hit men (Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men). Nothing makes me wet like a Hollywood dad playing a sociopath for money and Oscars! Anyways, these are the famous dads I want to fuck.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Benicio Del Toro (47) 

According to the Daily MailBenicio Del Toro once said he didn't want his West Hollywood “cave” to be “invaded” by his wife and kid. This lack of commitment makes me wet. Benicio's (sexy) bad parenting skills make sense considering there are rumors that he once banged Scarlett Johansson in an elevator. (At age 29, she is technically young enough to be his daughter. Hot.)

David Carradine (RIP)

David Carradine was married 7,169 times, mastered martial arts, and died from auto-erotic asphyxiation according to TMZ, which means he was a super freak. In other words, there is no better celebrity crush for someone with daddy issues than David Carradine.  

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Willem Dafoe (58) 

When Willem Dafoe plays both Charlotte Gainsbourg’s husband and therapist in Antichrist, he is the perfect daddy for the sickest elements of the female psyche. Dearest Willem, if you were my husband, I would make sure you never ejaculated blood.

Gary Oldman (56) 

Like my hubby Willem, Gary Oldman is regularly cast as a villain. He’s also a recovered alcoholic, which gives him MAJOR bonus points. Heck, I'd bang Gary as Dracula, Sid Vicious, or Sirius Black. One Gary, two Gary, three Gary. I would screw them all! 

Photo Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Morgan Freeman (77) 

Morgan Freeman's pretty much the opposite of most of these scumbags, but what could be more reassuring than the voice of God calling you a “good girl” as he fucks you raw?

Javier Bardem (45) 

The real life Javier Bardem seems like a dream man. He's married to the perfect Penelope Cruz, maintains a low profile, and speaks out for gay rights. In other words, I have no desire to fuck the real Javier. The unhealthy part of me wants to screw Anton, the sociopath he plays in No Country for Old Men, and the healthy part of me wants to perform Vicky Cristina Barcelona role-play. (I would obviously dress up as Scarlett Johansson.) The only way I would fuck the real Javier is if he and Cruz adopted me, so I could be their kid and take daddy issues to some next level shit. 

Sean Penn (53)

I don't care if Sean Penn's a self-riotous asshole who thinks he can save the world. As long as you eat my pussy, Sean, you can carry on pretending you’re saving the Caribbean. (The lovely Miss Johansson gets her third shout out on this list, since she allegedly hooked up with Sean at the White House Correspondents Dinner when they dated.) 

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Bill Clinton (67) 

Who needs to get a girl-boner for an actor who hooked up in the White House when you could get it on with someone who served in the White House? President Clinton, if I were your intern, I would perform all duties required of the job description. Also, I would wash away the evidence of our indiscretions, instead of saving it it so it could be presented in a court of law. After all, why would I need a cum-stained dress when I would have memories of calling you daddy? Yum. 

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