Maple Chasers Talk About What It's Like to Have Sex with a Canadian
Just in time for Canada Day, we talked to tourists and expats about their experiences banging Canucks all across the True North.
This article originally appeared on VICE Canada.
Having a reputation for being polite and apologetic isn't the worst thing when you're a Canadian. We may come across as meek pushovers, but at least we're universally likable. But are we universally fuckable? How does our courteous and penitent nature translate over into the bedroom? We spoke to a bunch of maple chasers about the impression Canadians left when it came time to bone.
Occupation: Baker and barista
When I lived in Vancouver, I divorced my husband of seven years and entered a giddy hot-mess slut phase. I went around fucking every kind of person I could—there was a hyper-masculine black student athlete with actual diamond studs in his ears; a sweet, nerdy half-Chinese, half-Aboriginal journalist; a super religious Jewish kid from the suburbs; a 40-something suit with a swanky apartment; a graying hipster film editor; a ridiculously hot crusty punk from Newfoundland; a girl from a tiny town in Saskatchewan who dressed like the gayest gay dude.
Most Americans would imagine Canadians would make apologetic, polite, tentative lovers. I'm here to tell you, based on this totally scientific sample size, that Canadians are weird, assertive, and unprudish in the sack. Every Canadian I sexed had a thing—a kink or specific request. What was so refreshing was that each of my Canadian lovers would talk about his or her kink from the start, find out if I was game, and off we'd go having a specific sort of kinky, hot sex. There was no fucking for a while like this or like that and then maybe after a few nights they'd bust out the weird. Canadians want to fuck how they want to fuck, and they don't wait to find out if their potential lovers are into it.
I was on vacation with my family over Christmas, traveling around Ontario and Quebec. It was my first experience with Tinder. I was hanging out with my family and they all wanted to stay in early so I used Tinder to go out, not by myself.
The thing about using Tinder elsewhere, besides your hometown, is that even the girls who aren't attractive are still attractive because it's not the same gene pool. At home, people look familiar, like your cousin or an ex.
The first Canadian girl I met was Turkish. We didn't sleep together because I had no condoms but we fooled around in the backseat of my rental car. It was nasty. She spat on my cock. Being a Brazilian, you expect everyone else to be colder and uptight. And that was a good surprise.
The next night, I met a Jewish Canadian girl. We could have fun on Christmas day because she wasn't celebrating with her family. She celebrated with my cock. She was into adventure. Although it was short-term, we really connected to the point that I proposed to have anal without condoms. To my luck I'd just been tested before I'd left so I got my results from email. Although she was into adventure, she wanted to make sure I was disease free. That came in handy.
As a souvenir from banging Canadian girls, I brought home the HPV virus. From all that I gave them, that's what I got in return. It kept me company for a few months. Bringing home memories and STDs from Canada.
Occupation: Video Editor
I came to Canada to study English, but my first experience with a Canadian girl was about eight months later, when I was studying at art school. I met her through a mutual friend, and after two dates, we slept together. She was older than me by six years.
The main thing I noticed was a very obvious submissiveness. She was docile and not particularly aggressive or proactive. This is a huge difference from most girls that I have slept with in Mexico, [who] tend to be incredibly playful and bold.
I enjoyed the experience. It was fun and the differences didn't really bother me since people and situations always differ but, yes, it was remarkably unlike girls from Mexico.
British men use alcohol and humor. Canadian men use their emo.
Nationality: French Belgium
Canadian guys were really polite. They're really different than Belgian, or Europeans guys. I think it has to do with Canadian girls. Sorry ladies, I think you're way too prude.
My friend left me her bed for a night while I was visiting in Vancouver. I met a Canadian guy and had to take advantage of him immediately. I met him at the bar—there wasn't even a date or anything. After we finished, he was embarrassed, he wanted to stay. And I was like, "No way, it's cool." He was really surprised. I think I intimidated them, by being playful with my sexuality. That's more common where I come from.
European guys will pay for your drink. My Canadian friends always complain. I told them to come to Europe, you'll drink all day for free.
Occupation: Real estate
Canadian lovers are way easier to get involved with physically but less so emotionally. They are a bit naive and immature. In Israel, most girls start to be sexually active at the age of 17 or 18. In Canada, girls go to camp at a young age and start to be sexually active by 13 or 14. But on a maturity level, the Israeli girls are way more mature than the Canadian ones. [Canadians] are less independent and confident. The military and the life in Israel toughens up the girls way more than the girls who live in Canada.
Occupation: Urban planner
I have been living in Canada for 15 years. After my second relationship I came to the conclusion that maybe only a Brazilian man—or at least someone from a warmer cultural background—would make me feel fully fulfilled. I didn't know what it was, but there was always something missing. There's something about a Brazilian man's hand, the hands that grab you with confidence. There was also kissing, which was a problem as it never involved enough tongue. So about three-and-a-half years ago, I ended my previous relationship and had no expectations for the future.
Then, shortly after, I went on a trip with one of my longtime friends and former roommate. He had to go to a conference in Montreal and invited me to come and stay with him. Although we were sleeping in the same bed, I would never make a move. Turns out that Canadians don't seem to be the best at making a move either. So there we were, sleeping in the same bed in a five-star hotel room for three nights. Luckily something happened on the last night: he woke me up and gave me a massage. Then, from the second we touched each other I had a feeling that I found the other half of a magnet. We have been together for three years and our sex life is better than I could dream of.
Occupation: Film production
I think connection is connection regardless of the country. I do find, in general with Canadians, that there are more body issues. Interestingly, I found Canada very liberating for being a lesbian and also it's way less sexist than where I come from. But in terms of body issues and nudity, our approach is more natural, I think.
I also found myself a bit lost sometimes in terms of communication and trying to understand what was going on between myself and someone else. In Spain, we don't date. We sleep together and then maybe we date. Canada was more about: we date and then, maybe, we sleep together.
My experiences with Canadians as lovers are two extremes. On one hand they're granola and boring. They want to lie on the bed as you put your dick in their mouth. On the other hand, they're kinky as fuck—super passionate. It's either been, holy shit this is boring, I could have watched porn, or holy shit, when can we fuck next?
There's also a lot of "sorry," which I find funny, because it's like, "No, I want you to take me to town."
They're also reserved. You have to warm up the oven. Then, after a certain point when they get comfortable, stuff starts to happen. As someone who's not Canadian, you keep getting asked where you're from and you keep getting called exotic. Like I'm a white Bengal tiger. A few weeks ago, a guy peed on me in the tub after fucking me. It was fantastic. Afterward we showered, and I put maple syrup on his dick and sucked it off. We laughed because it was meant to be a Canadian joke. You think it's a good idea, but shit gets sticky.
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