This Guy Keeps Leaving Bags of Pee-Soaked Bologna on Neighbors' Doorsteps
"They're actually moving out because they're tired of it."
Screenshot via KOB 4
Bologna is a barely edible meat product that parents feed to children mostly to subconsciously punish them for stealing the best years of their lives. It's bland, fatty, and somehow always moist, like the meat itself is sweating. It goes without saying, but it needs to be said: Fuck bologna.
No one in their right minds should buy the stuff at all, but one Albuquerque woman keeps winding up with more and more of the weird meat, whether she likes it or not—because some strange man keeps sneaking over at night and leaving it on her doorstep, NBC affiliate KOB 4 reports.
Sharisha Morrison says she's been finding mysterious plastic shopping bags at her door for the past month, each one filled with the same thing: Bologna and white bread. She told KOB 4 that she originally assumed it must've been some kind of nice gift, but she quickly realized that something was very, very off when, for some inexplicable reason, she smelled the plastic bag, and caught a whiff of piss.
"He'll always walk up from this direction, and he'll just walk up and drop it on the little doorknob and walk away, every single time that's all he does," Morrison told KOB 4. Apparently, the guy isn't only targeting her house, either—he's made similar deposits on her neighbors' doorsteps, as well.
"They're actually moving out because they're tired of it," she said.
After the first few creepy bologna deliveries went down, Morrison caught the guy in the act on security footage and alerted the police—but so far, the bologna man is still on the loose.
"[I'm] annoyed, more than anything," Morrison told KOB 4, which is a considerably more laid-back response than one is entitled to when repeatedly harassed with urine-soaked lunchmeat.
It's unclear why this freaky-ass stranger keeps making his nightly deliveries, or where, exactly, he's getting ahold of so much goddamn bologna to begin with, but come on, buddy. For the love of all that is holy, please stop. No one wants your mystery bologna reeking of pee. At least have the decency to leave this woman some ham, or a few slices of salami or whatever. There are so, so, so many better meats out there.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.