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politics

51 Reasons Jon Ossoff Lost the Georgia Election

Maybe he just wasn't fat enough.

by Eve Peyser
Jun 21 2017, 6:12pm

Image by author via Joe Raedle/Getty Images

On Tuesday, the costliest House election of all time was held in Georgia's Sixth District. The millennial and Democrat Jon Ossoff faced off against Republican Karen Handel, and lost. While some Democrats are celebrating getting 48.1 percent of the vote in a district that has voted Republican since 1979, others remain incensed by his inability to win a district that Donald Trump barely won in 2016.

So why did Ossoff lose? Let us count the reasons why. (There are 51.)

1. He's a Democrat.

2. He was endorsed by comedian Kathy Griffin.


3. He didn't play the anti-Trump card.

4. He was too civil.

5. He was an outsider who didn't even live in the district.

6. He accepted out-of-state money. (Karen Handel did as well, but I guess it doesn't count when a girl does it.)

7. Hollywood.

8. He didn't go on the offensive.

9. Handel wanted to win more than Ossoff did.

10. He's a robot.

11. It rained on election day.

12. His appearance.

13. Gerrymandering.

14. He didn't have a substantive policy agenda.

15. And whatever his message was fell flat.

16. He didn't support single-payer healthcare, free college, or tax hikes.

17. You see, he's a centrist, and centrists can't win.

18. Also, he's one of those dang neoliberals I've been hearing about.

19. Democrats should've focused on the Obama voters they lost, not trying to win over Romney voters.

20. Moreover,

21. Whatever this is.

22. Also, his name is bad.

23. He's too corporate.

24. His voter outreach was crap.

Via Twitter

25. The Democrats are allergic to winning.

26. Russia.

27. Also, misogyny and racism.

28. Nancy Fuckin' Pelosi.

29. Actually, come to think of it, Ossoff didn't even lose. Nancy Pelosi did.

30. Democrats did not successfully utilize the Panera Bread strategy.

31. He didn't focus enough on Arby's, White Castle, or Quiznos.

32. His Wikipedia picture.

33. He's a globalist.

34. The divide within the Democratic Party.

35. The Democrats' brand is more damaged than Uber's, United's, and Kathy Griffin's combined.

36. The Democrats are in desperate need of a new message.

37. He went high, and the Republicans went low.

38. The way he talks.

39. His weight.

40. The Democrats were too distracted by Russia to win.

41. Unlimited dark money.

42. He was pretty boring.

43. Reverse sexism? (Shit getting to 50 is hard.)

44. He was too much like Obama, who, by the way, left office with a 59 percent approval rating.

45. Did I mention Russia?

46. Voter suppression laws, probably.

47. Who cares? It's a win for Bernie Sanders.

48. Who cares? If he won, you'd all be saying nice things about him.

49. Who cares? Because nothing matters, and global warming will end us all.

50. The orb.

51. He got fewer votes than his opponent, Karen Handel.

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