The Best Goop Products That Actually Might Be Worth It
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All the Things We'd Buy from Goop If We Were Rich and Bored

Sure, Goop is a snake oil hell, but it's also a wonderland of high-tech sex toys, cool kitchen wares, and even a few things we can actually afford.

Goop is well known for being one of the more brow-raising places on the internet. As Hannah Ewens notes in “The 'Goop Effect': The Women Who Spend Hundreds Seeking Spirituality,” the platform has both filled and fed a search for easily digestible spirituality and meaning from largely Western, privileged millennials who are turning away from organized religion and opening up their pocketbooks instead. It's the poster child for retail self-care,woo-woo supplements, and watered-down interpretations of Eastern medicine. And if we were Scrooge McDucking in a gold-coin swimming pool as big as GP’s, we would probably feel fine rolling the dice on some $1,049 gemstone heat therapy mats to see if they make us feel better about our petty problems. And we would be lying if we were to say we weren’t curious about the homewares, electronics, and left-field objects deemed worthy of Goop’s council. Even—or perhaps especially—some of the most frivolous amongst them merit more investigation. For frivolity does not equate to stupidity, my bro. (Just please stay far, far away from the (plentiful) Goop stuff served with dubious health claims—or at least buy at your own risk, with a chunky grain of freshly grated Himalayan salt.)

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Sure, it's easy to ridicule a leather carrying bag for a watermelon, but isn't there something appealing about something so patently absurd, too? (See: this Goop gift guide.) I hate that person, murmurs the churlish demon baby on our shoulder, even as we inexplicably want to be that person. As it turns out, there's actually a lot of pretty appealing stuff on the Goop site, from beautifully designed kitchen appliances to out-there sex toys, and there’s certainly a distinct sense of curation to the site’s goods, whether you love or hate them. That watermelon tote (the hill we’ll die on, apparently) was actually made by talented Japanese leather workers who have been perfecting their craft since the 60s as part of a reflective, artistic project called “The Fun of Carrying.” Honestly... sounds kind of cool?

Today, we’ve simply decided it’s our job, as curious consumers who want to feel something, to sift through the crystals and manuka honey and find the most whimsical, indulgent, or straight-up useful stuff that’s worth taking to the grave (or, at least the checkout line). No, we're not going for the $15,000 24k Gold G-Spot Vibrator; these picks are at least somewhat within reach. Cheers. [Raises kombucha in the air.]

An all-gender sex toy with a self-warming function 

Goop actually has a pretty amazing sex toy selection, from classics like the Womanizer to stuff even our horny, jaded arses have never seen before, like "The French Lover," a tongue simulator that practically has sentience, and a beautiful 24-karat-gold vibrator on a tasteful necklace (for a fraction of the aforementioned 24K G-spot vibe). But perhaps most intriguing is the Ultraplush Self-Heating G-Spot Vibrator with ten vibration modes (that’sthree steady intensities and seven patterns,) that’s made with dual-density silicone for a super-soft “plush” feeling.Best of all, it warms up to a few degrees above body temp, so it feels like you're really doin' it with, well, a warm body.


$95 at Goop

$95 at Goop
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Speaking of (literally) hot sex…

...Of course Goop is also thinking about the most premium lube experience money can offer. That's why it features the Pulse Warmer, a lube warmer (with $30 refill packs) that preps a proprietary,  slidey goo for your bits so that you don't do that little jump when you make contact.


$199 at Goop

$199 at Goop

This vibrator that looks like a cake pop 

For this vibrator/art piece, the Goopy masterminds “didn’t just listen to [their] own desires” (world domination? a sovereign Upper East Side?), they “listened to yours.” One end is the “ultimate wonder-ball” wand for external massage, and the other end is for more targeted stimulation. Each side features eight different pulsating patterns with varying intensities. Unfortunately, it’s not made out of jade.


$98 at Goop

$98 at Goop

What Drake uses to bake a lasagna

GreenPan leaves out  the nasty chemicals in traditional nonstick stuff, and we do appreciate that. But more importantly, we love that this massive roasting pan—which can handle everything from a toddler-sized turkey to a lasagna that can feed the entire OVO crew—looks like the Bentley of bakeware. Those gold tone handles… [sizzle noise]. And it's dishwasher-safe and infused with diamonds to make it, like, scratch-resistant, you know?


$149.99 at Goop

$149.99 at Goop

Your face craves squalene and "caviar lime"

At the end of 2020, Goop discontinued its signature night cream, which normally would result in a shrug—but unfortunately, one slightly ashamed VICE editor has used their (also discontinued) melting cleanser and says it's absolutely the best makeup-removing balm they've ever tried. Last chance to grab this one before Gwyneth Paltrow has another skiing scandal. 


$98 at Goop

$98 at Goop
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A Skip-It for grownups

If you’re a millennial and the Skip-It theme song isn’t constantly stuck in your head, you’re lying. We’ve been chasing that playground high and personal record for decades, and now you can fill that hole with this incredibly chic smart jump rope that not only tracks your jump count but also displays your info midair as you skip, via embedded LEDs. You know 2023 Patrick Bateman would be all over it.


$79.95 at Goop

$79.95 at Goop

Need a break from technology?

How do you think Gwyneth tunes out all the noise? Most likely in her private meditation chapel overlooking the ocean with a sound bath, but we like to imagine she’s just like us—locking her iPhone away in a drawer for a few days while she decompresses with the Light Phone. That stylish “dumb” phone that doesn’t have internet capabilities, but allows you to call, text, find directions, listen to music and podcasts, and set an alarm. Trust us, you need a break from TikTok conspiracies.


$299 at Goop

$299 at Goop

If you’re not growing your own mushrooms, what are you even doing?

You know GP has an organic greenhouse (or entire underground hydroponic doomsday garden) filled with fresh fruit and veg to make a plant-based feast at a moment’s notice. But if you’ve only got 500 square feet to your name, there’s this sweet Grow-Your-Own Lion’s Mane Mushroom Kit that only needs to be spritzed a few times a day to yield results—talk about low maintenance.


$30 at Goop

$30 at Goop
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So you wanna track the moon…

This 2024 Moon Calendar makes it easy to do so while also livening up your home office. It’s also the perfect gift for that one astrology-obsessed coworker who you might end up with for Secret Santa this December. It tracks the lunar and astrological cycles of the upcoming year and is “filled with tips and explanations of how best to harness the cosmic energy on any given day,” according to Goop.


$39 at Goop

$39 at Goop

Ah yes, the yoni egg that started it all

xIf, after all we've learned, you still want a very smooth crystal that's meant to be slid up in your hoo-ha, that's still an option, too. There have been many explainers about why that is a bad idea, but maybe you don’t care. Maybe you can even justify it as the perfect addition to a 2010s time capsule. (What a long, strange trip it's been…)


$66 at Goop

$66 at Goop

This is the danger of Goop. You start lurking, with plans to troll, and the next thing you know, your cart is full. Curse you, yoni egg.


The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.