Music by VICE

These Big-Ass Headphones Massage Your Ears and Look Cool as Fuck

They're called NIRVANA. That's the name of them.

by Dan Ozzi
Mar 13 2018, 4:31pm

Have you ever been listening to your favorite song and thought, “I wish I was also getting my ears massaged?” No? OK, well… what if you weren't listening to your favorite song but still wearing a pair of headphones so comically oversized and clunky that everyone in the room was pointing at you and snickering? If that sounds good, you’re in luck! A Kickstarter campaign is trying to raise $20,000 to create a pair of headphones that stimulate your vagus nerve through a series of moving pins in your ears. And just check out how cool and regular they look! You'll hardly even notice you're wearing them.

The ear accupressure device, which is called NIRVANA (better name would have been PIN FLOYD), aims to help the user “find relief from anxiety, reduce symptoms of fatigue and promote a deeper state of sleep,” according to the product description. And while NIRVANA looks like a pair of Beats suffering from monstrous gigantism, they don’t seem to actually play music at all. The product video shows a digital display that features a Bluetooth connection and volume buttons, but it’s unclear what, exactly, these are meant to control. So it looks like these are just a huge pair of regular ol' ear massagers and not a chance to listen to “Bodak Yellow” while a bunch little pins poke and prod your earholes.

Look, we know people love the idea of wearable tech (see you at SXSW btw), but wearable tech only takes off when the item doesn’t look like you’re wearing a diaper on your head. And NIRVANA definitely looks like a big ol’ diaper sitting on your head. Like a huge diaper that some crying baby filled to the top with crapola. So the question you’ve got to ask yourself is: Am I suffering from anxiety and fatigue so badly that I’m willing to get all diaped up in public?

Take this woman from the Kickstarter video, who is using her NIRVANA to diap up at her stressful job at a company that produces, uh… GOOD and FUM.

Here are some more shots of people getting diaped up at a coffee shop.

You can diap up by contributing to the page's Kickstarter, if that's your thing. Oh, and speaking of Kickstarter, we'd also recommend the Your Kickstarter Sucks podcast, which is full of bad products like this. Unfortunately, you can't listen on your NIRVANA because, as we mentioned, it's just a head diaper.