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When I was 20, I got my first boyfriend. It was the end of my sophomore year of college, and I was in his car and I kept my antidepressants in this little bag in my backpack. I was on, like, two different kinds, and I had some Advil and Midol in there, too. It fell onto the floor, and he totally freaked. His first question was if I was a drug dealer—I was like, really? I have five pills in this bag.

This is what it's like to date when you have a mental health thing. Also this:

A couple of years ago, there was this night where my anxiety and depression were hitting me super hard. My typical response is to shut down and be in my own head and not really respond to other people . My partner backed off and gave me distance, which was the opposite of what I needed. He had good intentions, but I think he handled it the way he did because of the idea that when people shut off, they have to be left alone. It made the situation so much worse; I was trying to indicate to him that I really needed to be cared for, but he wasn't getting it. There just wasn't a direct line of communication.

and this:

I usually feel so fucked up in the head that I convince myself that I can't open up to people, because there's definitely a stigma surrounding that. There's also this fear that the issues you're working through are too much for people to handle.

And so, so many other things, a lot but not all of which are captured in a series of accounts we gathered from people dealing with their stuff and also trying to date. Point being, it's hard! And talking about it more might make it a little easier. Ready set go.

Q: This last year I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and have had a hard time learning how to cope with my irrationalities, especially because I'm living abroad. Can you share some advice?
—Lily

A: Hi Lily,

For those unfamiliar, borderline personality disorder is a condition that mainly consists of extreme difficulty regulating several, if not all, emotions. Someone who experiences BPD is consistently emotionally vulnerable, meaning they feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is much harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event than the average person—especially when it comes to relationships. Try to imagine if, for example, spilling your coffee didn't make you just a little sad, but rather it felt like someone poured coffee on you and laughed in your face, and then yelled at you. That's kind of like what it feels to have BPD.

My best tips for dealing with BPD would be:

• Start the process of learning to love all of yourself. Identify things that make you feel good about yourself, and then try to do one of those things every day.
• Consider the DBT lifestyle. Here's a guide to start. DBT is a specific type of cognitive-behavioral therapy, and many DBT programs are skills groups, so not only are you learning with a trained therapist, but you are also in a room with people who just get it. You can find them by visiting NAMI.
• Surround yourself with the people who love you unconditionally—and educate them. The more the important people in your life know, the more they can support you and your well-being. There are even classes for doing this. If a class isn't in your future, I would recommend a book.
• Try family and/or couples therapy (sorry, I'm biased!). I especially emphasize this here because of how complex relationships can feel for people with BPD. You can find a therapist with BPD experience on Psychology Today.
• Another potential resource is Youtube. But be choosy with your videos and try not to go down the rabbit hole of the weird internet.

One friendly request to those who personally know someone with BPD: Try to actively remind yourself that this person is trying the very best they can, and are not choosing to suffer or cause suffering.

Wishing you well from afar.

Warmly,
Michelle

Michelle Lozano is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and member of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

• I have anxiety and my partner doesn't. Are we screwed?
• We asked people what it's like to date while you have a mental health issue.
• Consider the very real possibility that texting culture is giving us all anxiety.

• How to date someone with anxiety.

📩 📩 📩 Send your questions to coping@vice.com and we might run the answer in next week's newsletter.