Meet the Nieratkos - Skinema: Year 3

Ever see Hearts of Darkness? The documentary Coppola's wife made about the nightmare that was the making of Apocolypse Now? Well, I'm hoping my wife makes one for me about the horror of making my silly little porn show, Skinema, for VBS. I'll play the fat Brando character.

If I told you how long I've been working on my "adventures with sluts" VBS program you wouldn't believe me. But you'd have to because the proof is in the quarterly and semi-annual mentions of this non-existent show here and in the magazine for over two years now. What's the hold up? Fuck if I know. I've done my part; I stood in front of the camera and looked good. Real good. Same goes for porn actress turned director Kimberly Kane. I've spent days on end with her over the past few years documenting her life, helping her run lines for a "serious acting part" in a not-so-serious porno X-File spoof, I followed her as she threw a Christmas Benefit and it's been so long I can't remember which Christmas of which year it was. I'm pretty sure she's sick of hearing from me at this point.

Still they say it's cumming, or rather, happening.

When? Soon.

Same story I've been told since the 90s...

I can say that there has been some progress lately. We have four episodes roughed out and nearly done and ready to post. They're filled with tits and ass, if you like that sort of thing. And just this past week I subjected myself and Kim Kane to one more filming session together, where we filmed the intro to the show, with her in various states of undress.

As we made small talk between me fucking up my lines she revealed to me that when she first got into porn her mother was nervous she'd be fucking a lot of black men and next week she'll be proving mommy right when she directs and stars in Vivid's Blackmaled where she'll be getting DP'd by two black guys. I found the anecdote funny since she is listed in my phone as KKK, for her old website Klub Kim Kane.

It's a wacky and wonderful world that lies behind the scenes of pornography. I really hope this show finally happens and I get to show it to you. After I left Kim Kane's house I went to a porn set and watched as a stunt cock tried to fuck a girl in the ass FOR THREE HOURS with a limp dick. She said it was, "Cute, it felt like a soft pillow." Somehow she was able to milk semen from his useless wang to get the pop shot. Three hours she suffered for the pleasure of men to watch a scene that will be edited down into eight minutes, the poor thing. She said it's not uncommon--some men go so far as to inject drugs directly into their pecker to try and make it hard. She had one such incident where a guy came at her, dick covered in blood from the injection, saying, "Alright, let's do this!" Thankfully, she went home.

Another wildly popular racket in porn right now is Amazon.com Wish Lists. Girls will make absurd requests of their fans: $900 shoes, $500 purses, deluxe box sets of The Sopranos, juicers made by Seth MacFarlane's dad, etc. And dimwit fans buy them these gifts. In exchange for what? A blow job? One finger in the ass? Soiled undies? NO!

A cheap, autographed thank you card or, worse yet, nothing at all. Not even a thank you email.

Each and every girl in porn is fucked in their own beautiful, special way. I guess that can be said about all women... I suppose in porn it's just heightened and accepted. I hope to be able to show you some of the more fun, lucid, articulate ladies of the sex world. Girls with masters degrees who like to rape men. Dirty girls who take three peckers in their butt but are still Mom of the Year at their kid's PTA Meetings. Women who run their own porn businesses instead of just bending over for others.

It's going to be a fun ride... if Vice ever actually airs the first series with Kim Kane.

In the meantime, have fun at the beach!

For more of Kim Kane go to Kanearmy.com or Twitter.com/KIMBERLYKANE

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com