A College Banned Energy Drinks for Causing 'High-Risk Sexual Activity'

As we're certain you are aware, there is absolutely nothing on this mortal coil that can set the mood for a steamy night of amorous sexual dynamism quite like a couple of 5-Hour Energy shots quaffed in waning candlelight. Fuck oysters and Champagne. If Emily Brontë and Jane Austen were alive and writing today, you'd best believe they'd be marrying ineligible girls off with a dowry of Rockstar and NOS.

OK, so maybe that's not the case. Like at all. But that doesn't mean that energy drinks' rise to prominence hasn't caused some to question the impact they have on various aspects of our life, our health, and our sex lives.

Case in point: Vermont's 216-year-old Middlebury College has just announced its plan to ban on-campus sales of any and all energy drinks due to their association with "problematic behavior." Just what sort of ill-advised conduct are we talking about? Why, that would have to be "high-risk sexual activity" and an increased use of "intoxicating substance[s]," of course.

According to the student-run paper the Middlebury Campus, the University's dining services posted a flyer stating that a university-wide ban on the sale of all brands of energy drinks will take effect on March 7. "Energy drink consumption facilitates unhealthy work habits such as prolonged periods of sleeplessness, contributing to a campus culture of stress and unsustainable study habits," reads the flyer. The flyer then goes on to mention scientific literature that connects energy drink consumption with an "increased participation in high-risk sexual activity." Interestingly, healthier "energy" alternatives like yerba mate won't be affected by the ban.

The move allegedly comes after an intern in Dining Services, Myles Kamisher-Koch, brought up the topic at a Community Council meeting in mid-January. Kamisher-Koch is said to have presented scientific research detailing the health detriments of consuming energy drinks, including a study finding that "up to 25 percent of current drinkers combine alcoholic beverages with energy drinks." Additionally, he told the Community Council that energy drinks promote bad academic trends.

While some students, like Jenna McNicholas, say they are in favor of the ban because, "I learned in my psychology class that energy drinks are linked to high risk sex and drug use," others feel the ban goes too far. Senior Arnav Adhikari—who works at Middlebury's Wilson Café—says, "There are more important things for them to address," and questions the cited link between consuming energy drinks and increased sexual activity: "What do energy drinks have to do with sexual activity?"

Middlebury's student body might want to have their Red Bull—fueled bacchanalias while they still can.