Adults Are Missing a Few Key Things About Teen Sexting

When it comes to teen sexting, there's still a lot that parents, well, still just don't understand. For one thing, academics can't agree on how many American teens are regularly firing off such photos. Depending on which article you read, so-called experts tend estimate that it's anywhere from 9 to 60 percent. Generally, researchers find that it's lower; a University of New Hampshire study found that only one percent of teens had sent an image of their breast or "bottom." The judicial system certainly doesn't understand: Some laws conflate a nude shot sent from one teen to another with child pornography, leading to prosecution in some cases. States like Massachusetts and Colorado are trying to update to their laws, bringing them in line with 21st-century reality and common sense.

But teen sexting shouldn't be written off as another moral panic. Shots meant to titillate a first boyfriend or girlfriend can—and have been—shared around a school as a means of bullying and humiliation, post-breakup. (This has also been a factor in some suicides.)

Deborah Gilboa, a physician, speaker, author, and mother of four, has spoken extensively about how children interact with social and digital media. She says that once you find an adolescent has been sending explicit photos, "Most of what you have to do is teach, not shame, tempted though you may be." Here's how she helps parents get their message across.

After finding evidence a child has been sexting, what's the first thing a parent should do?
The first thing, as a parent, is to ask, "What is this?" in a tone that says, "I am honestly listening to your answer. What you have to say does matter." When you see something that is painful like that—and it is painful and scary—your brain skips ahead to charges of child pornography, to criminal records, to shame and humiliation that never ends. It can be difficult to take a breath and really listen to what your child or teenager has to say about this. What you are trying to do is set the tone for the conversations that are going to go forward. Pretty much no matter what your child has done, they're not going to never own a cell phone again. It might be a darn long time, but they're going to own a cell phone again.

Does the conversation change whether the child receives or sends the photo?
It does. If a child received it, they—at worst—asked for it, kept it, and showed it around. That's the worst-case scenario, but it's possible that they got it and are paralyzed by fear and don't know what to do, don't want to erase it because the person who sent it might be mad or hurt or upset, but don't want to look at it or know about it or deal with it in any way. So that's an especially important time to listen.

The next question for parents is: Do I believe what you're telling me? That's a really rough one. If your child has, to the best of your knowledge, not lied to you, they get to start out with your trust. If they've lost your trust—if you've asked them questions in the past and they have given you answers that have not entirely been true—then you can point that out. "Hey, this is a big deal, and there have been times in the past where you've lied to me and I'm worried that you are lying to me now, so I am going to have to check this story. I am going to have to talk to the parent of the person who sent this to you."

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How do you approach the other parents?
Some of that depends on if you have a relationship with them. Again, it comes to trust. If you do have a relationship with this person, then you call them up and—on the strength of that relationship—say, "Something really hard happened and I really want to talk about it." Use a lot of "I" language, no matter where your kid is in the story, because kids, no matter how much they want to tell the truth, tend to paint themselves in the best light. We all do that. If this was a group thing, at a slumber party, you find yourself calling someone your child says was the ringleader, when actually your child was the ringleader. Don't throw stones. Stick to facts. "This is what I have found. I talked to my daughter about it. She has told me her version." Own up front that you might not have all the information and that what you have might not be totally accurate.

If you don't know this parent from anyone—or worse, you know that it's likely to be received very badly—then it's great to have someone you do trust to be a moderator. Hopefully, that's someone at your kid's school. Hopefully, you have a relationship with an administrator or a guidance counselor. If you're looking to your local police, they have certain reporting obligations, and in some states, this is child pornography.

At what point do you call the police?
If you think somebody might be in any danger, you have to go to the police. If you think something is still being sent around or if you don't have the expertise to look into it. If you really feel that this was a text that went from a daughter to her boyfriend or a guy she likes, something like that, and he didn't send it to anybody—and you really believe all that—then it can stop there. You can sit down with these kids and be like, "This is what could happen and this is why it is absolutely not okay."

I know every case is different, but how long should you take away the child's phone?
Certainly, we might need a cooling off period for a month. Maybe I say, "In that month, you're going to write a report for me about the effects of Megan's Law in our state, so you can learn the consequences where we live and you're going to have plenty of time to do that, sweetheart, because you're going to be off all screens for the next few weeks, except while you are sitting next to me doing research." It's less a matter of how much time without a cell phone—or how long with a flip phone that doesn't get media—and more what they do to earn those privileges back. My philosophy is that my kids know they don't have cell phones. They have cell phones that they rent from us. There are a lot of things they could do that would make us revoke that privilege.

Some kids might not realize they're sexting. Let's say at midnight, they're texting with someone they're romantically interested in and they say, "What are you wearing?" "Oh, I'm just getting ready for bed." "What do you wear when you sleep?" This is something a 13-year-old might text to another 13-year-old. "Oh, I just sleep in my bra and underwear." "Oh, really, I don't believe you." They will just take a quick selfie and send it because of selfie culture. Taking a selfie of what you're eating, where you're sitting, how long a line is—they do this over and over and over again. It happens really naturally—they don't think, "I'm sexting now." They might think sexting is a disgusting thing grown-up perverts do. They don't always developmentally put together what they're doing with the warnings we give about sexting.

Can parents overact? If you're not from the digital generation, you might think asking for an explicit photo is a sign your kid is a serial killer.
I have faith in parents' ability to overreact to everything. In terms of what you think it means about your child, of course you can overreact. Sexting is not a gateway to being in a prostitution ring. But right now, with the way the laws are set up, you can't overreact to cautioning your child about this, because the consequences could be awful. There are consequences that could prevent a child from getting a job, getting into a university, getting to live near a school. I think for that, we need legal reform.

Let's imagine a scenario when you find out your child's sexual orientation through discovering a sext. How does that change the conversation?
It might add an extra layer of hurt to this, especially if your child could have told you and you'd have been supportive. It's incumbent on parents to parent through their sense of hurt.

You almost have to parse out your reaction to the sexual orientation and your reaction to the sexting.
In parenting, it's pretty common to have to parse out what happened here. You know you weren't supposed to be playing in the house; that's one thing. You broke the lamp; that's a second thing. You hid the lamp and lied to me; that's a third thing. You have to deal with all those things separately. In that same way, you can say, "You're in trouble for sexting. You're not in trouble for your sexual orientation, but we have to talk about that as a separate thing."

What do you do in the nightmare scenario that the images are being shared around the school?
That's a much harder thing, because the school is going to get involved and in a lot of places they are going to involve the police as well, because they think they have to. I've seen this handled in different ways. I know a family who moved 500 miles. There are organizations. There is one I am involved with called Cybersmile. They have some resources for this. Common Sense Media has some resources for this. I have seen some people come back. First, you have to stop the spread of it. Then, this is a horrible, horrible way to learn you can live through anything.

What's the best way to prevent sexting before it happens?
I hope you have this conversation before your kid gets a phone. Let's say 10, 11 years old. I tell my kids that to keep a picture on their phone, and to Instagram it or Snapchat it or anything, you need the permission of everyone involved. That's the take-home point for my own 12-year-old, who in six months will have a cell phone. He needs to know that if someone takes a picture of him they don't get to keep it on their device without his permission. One great thing parents can do for prevention is model that, from the time you they are five or six years old. If you are going to post a picture of them on social media, show it to them and say, "I'm going to put this on Facebook. Is that okay with you?" If they say no, don't post it. Read This Next: Everyone Calm Down About Teens and Vaping