SXSW: Your Deepest Questions Answered

South by South-West is kicking off and if you haven't been before you probably have lot of questions. Questions like where to go, what to eat, or whether or not you love brands enough. We're here to help.

South by South-West (SXSW) is an annual festival in Austin, Texas. Over the course of the festival, Austin will host hundreds of conferences, lectures, panels, showcases, and boozy brunches for people in the music, film, and tech industries. This year, Film and Interactive begin on March 13 (today) while Music begins on March 17.

First and foremost, SXSW is a networking event. Because so many people attend, it's a great place to meet the industry people that you no doubt email on a regular basis. The festival is also the second-largest repository of acronym-based puns in the Northern hemisphere.

If you're only going to SXSW for the parties, don't waste your money on a pass. If you want to attend lectures or do things that don't involve getting shitfaced at noon every day then yes, you will be screwed if you don't buy a pass.

"Showcase" is a very loose term. Sometimes it means Tiësto is doing a deep house set in someone's back yard, other times it means Pringles paid six local bands to jam out in a BBQ restaurant off Fifth Street. If you have a favourite record label, they probably have a showcase and you should attend for a few minutes.

Technically yes, but you won't get in because 30,000 people have RSVP'd to the same LuckyMe party at Empire Garage and the venue only holds 600. You do the math.

Sure.

Splitting a bungalow in East Austin with six friends looks tempting, but pretty soon it's going to be 4am and you're going to be stranded downtown after crashing your bike into a barbecue shack.

285,000 people are in Austin for SXSW and all of them need a cab more than you.

See above and then add surge pricing and maybe a free Starbust.

If you're buying food from a restaurant that has real chairs or isn't on wheels, why did you even come to Austin? You will leave SXSW a fatter and happier person. See that photo above? That's a breakfast taco with a waffle and piece of fried chicken sandwiched between a fried egg and a piece of bacon, delicately balanced on a corn tortilla and drizzled in maple syrup. Find the breakfast taco.

Your drink of choice at SXSW will be Texas state beer, Lone Star. It tastes like piss and tallboys will range from $2 to $7 depending on where you are, but it's called Lone Star and by God you're gonna drink like the Texans do.

Don't go to SXSW.

In a moment of intense enthusiasm, you will probably use something like RSVPster to automatically sign you up for every party. You will feel proud of your shotgun approach to showcase attendance until you realise that every one of those parties has signed you up for a newsletter or added you to a mailing list. We are still receiving emails from seven years ago.

You are going to LOVE brands. When Pepsi books Drake

Kendrick Lamar will not be playing at The Illmore. Forget about The Illmore.

No.

Yes.

Hell yeah.

Ziad Ramley is on Twitter