Dos & Don'ts

What do you do for a living? "Oh, I own a demolition company that uses the lyrics from ‘War Pigs' as its motto. We play Black Sabbath really loud and destroy buildings. What do you do?" Um, I drop to my knees and suck your dick with tears streaming down my face.

Now we're talking. No more old ladies lumbering along with their broken shopping carts wondering how to save a fraction of a cent. This motherfucker climbs up the stairs like D-Day in

Animal House

and gets his whole shit done in about one minute. Why is everyone so fucking amazing this month? I'm starting to feel like a nude loser.   Read ‘em and weep: an embroidered back patch that says "Get Off My Cloud" complete with a fuck you finger that must have taken days to finish. She bought it off some crazy old stoner that did acid back when it was the size of a Lifesaver. Maybe we don't hate hippies after all.

In Sweden these are considered ugly pigs with no taste. If you visit there be prepared to have your dick come tearing out your pants and wack you in the head so hard you start swinging your fists because you thought someone just punched you (which makes them laugh, which makes you ejaculate like it's raining outside).   "Goodbye, boring, plain, ‘scared to shine' me. I am reaching deep inside my pants and pulling out RICARDO! A blazing colorful and in your face me that is so hot you keep seeing burnt images of me when you blink like when someone surprises you with a flashbulb."

Fuck the baldies. They are old. They represent everything we hate. They represent selling out, settling down, not taking chances and not being free. If you see a bald person tell him to fuck off and make sure he gets out of here. If he doesn't listen fucking pour beer on the guy and go, "Get out of here, baldie!"

And if there is even a semblance of a minute millionth of a chance that you will one day go bald (it's your Grandfather on your Mother's side) then just fuckin' tattoo your whole head. You may look like a Maori Lego man but at least you're not bald.   When we walked by her we heard her casually humming to herself, "Say peace to cats who rock mack knowledge. Knowledgists, street astrologists. Light up the mic God, knowledge this. Fly joints that carried your points…" then, when she caught us staring she stopped rapping and said, "What?"

Chicks hate this guy because he's such a pretentious fag asshole but that is precisely why he's so amazing. Check out that fucking medallion. He looks like a Nazi accountant from the future but he's actually an eccentric fashion millionaire that likes to get jizzed on. Don't try to compete. Just stand back and let him happen.   Dude is just chilling. He's unflappable. You could be like, "Humpty, what if nobody shows up to our party?" and he'd be all, "Don't worry about it doood."

Um, Amy, close your fucking purse. You think fags enjoy looking at your big gaping cunt and all the shit you ram into it? That's like their Kryptonite. They don't see cunts as the beautiful orchids you and I see them as.   Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I do understand the way fags see vaginas: as strangely obtrusive holes that just kind of appear out of nowhere and sit there hairy smiling like they own the joint.

When we saw this burning man at Burning Man we were like, "Hey Randy Macho Man Savage male porn star! What are you a roasted pig? Go lie on your stomach and put a fucking apple in your mouth. Ha ha." And then he goes, "Really hungry, overweight women in prison lie on their backs and touch themselves thinking about me." To which we responded, "Fuck, that's a good point. Sorry."   And homeless crackheads have no idea the joke they're making is putting an image in our head that's so fucking disgusting it makes us want to jump into a scalding hot shower and wash our genitals until they bleed.

No he is not German. I thought so too but I walked up right behind him and heard an all-American WASP talking to his buddies about what bar to go to—and knowing that we know that he COULD grow all of his hair down to his ass if he really wanted to. The thought of this guy showering and maintaining that tiger-sized rat tail every day is enough to make you want to buy throwing stars.   Could these two dudes deserve the moniker "Gnarly Asians" any more please? What did they, kill Jon Benet Ramsey for a hundred and fifty bucks? Guys, stick to biting the Guido style. The Khmer Rouge, gun-for-hire, jungle killer thing is freaking us out.

Look at these fucking douchebags. What are they, Armenian Ginos? Fuckin' grown men who want you to know that status is about holding large bottles of expensive vodka that they won't actually drink, dressing like Lil' Bow Wow if he was a Mediterrenean homo and telling society to fuck off. They look like Ali G teenagers in a line up of rape suspects. No wonder we're at war with them.

Remember that really, really dumb guy in the fourth grade who was excited about getting lice because he got called into the office to have his head shaved and everyone was talking about it? Well guess what. It's twenty years later and the only thing that's different is that his hair grew back.

(I bet he shits his pants).   Dude, 2,752 people died in those buildings and the best you can do is that a fictional character for little kids is depressed about it? Who else is bummed out, Barney the Dinosaur? Why don't you just have the leprechaun from Lucky Charms holding a dead fireman in his arms screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"?

Finally.   Um, sorry but I live in a world where white people aren't splotchy and they can dance, working class people are stylish and self-aware and lesbians are really hot, thin, porn stars that wear high heel shoes and suck each other's fingers.

Fuck you reality!