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Gays or Girls?

Men have simple sexual needs. They want to cum. That's about it.

by Quentin Gonzable and Quentin Gonzable
Dec 1 2005, 12:00am

Photos by James Stafford

Men have simple sexual needs. They want to cum. That's about it. They might sometimes cum in ways that they think are inventive, like on your face or your tits, but it all comes down to the same end: a squirt of some white ropy stuff followed by a brief Xanax-y stupor. After about 20,000 orgasms, most men start to wonder, "Is that all there is to this cumming thing?" They get bored with orgasms.

Men in Middle America are suffering uninspired blowjobs from girlfriends on a daily basis. Is it any wonder a growing number of guys are thinking that maybe the best way to wrestle themselves out of their carnal torpor would be to try a blowjob from a bona fide homosexual? After all, every gay man they've ever met has told them a queer blowjob is so much more exciting and enjoyable than a boring woman blowjob. "Nobody knows how to make a penis happy like a person who owns a penis of their own!" (That's what gay guys say to get straight penises in their mouths.)

But remember this: Most "bi-curious" men aren't thinking about how delicious it might feel to have another man's dick buried in their ass. They're just thinking about how the inside of a dude's mouth is technically the same as a woman's, especially if you're drunk. Especially especially if you're drunk, ugly, and lonely. Bi-sexuality, quite simply, doubles your chances. It's the refuge of the pathetically horny.

New statistics from Italy say that, weekly, one gay man sucks more dicks than 12.7 women. Can you say, "Man alive!"? Who's receiving all these BJs from gay men? Not just other gay men—there aren't enough of those around for 13 (I rounded up) times more head sessions than girls perform a week. Especially in Italy—those sluts suck dick as casually as our women choke down Apple Martinis. There is only one answer: Straight guys are getting their joints coughed by benders with reckless abandon.

The only question left to ask is, "Who's better at it?" Do we have to go gay to get the best head? To find out, we got a gay man and a straight man to get blowjobs from a gay man and a straight woman. We blindfolded both of our suckees and built a glory hole. Then we sat back and basked in the heady milieu of the most erotic and revealing experiment ever conducted in the name of sensual truth.

Suckee One
Rick is a 24-year-old Londoner with an eight-and-a-half-inch cock. He works as a gay male escort.

"The greatest blowjob I ever had was from a client a few weeks ago," he told us nervously.

"It lasted for about 15 minutes, and it was mind blowing. I've not taken part in anything involving a so-called ‘glory hole' before, but I'm looking forward to it immensely." Suckee Two
Sam is a 20-year-old model from London. He's straight. This will be the first time ever that another man will touch Sam's thing. Sucker One
Avalon is a 26-year-old who's worked in the adult film industry since she moved to London from Malaysia in her teens.

She prepared to give head by sucking on a menthol lozenge, which she always brings to blowjob shoots because they numb the throat and the menthol tickles the recipient's glans, thus enhancing his pleasure. (Oooh-kaye.) Sucker Two
Daniel is a poet from France who was extremely confident that he'd win the challenge. He even invoked the old "men know what other men want" chestnut. We pointed out that with that reasoning, there would be no war, politics, or conflict, and no babies born ever again, but Daniel maintained his sangfroid.

The safeguards were made to prevent giving the suckees a clue to the sucker's gender.

Our female sucker was given orders not to make any erotic moaning noises and to keep her expensively painted and lengthy fingernails away from the shafts. Ewww.

Our male sucker had his face freshly shaved and was not allowed to whimper things like, "Ooh, your cock is divine" in his manly French baritone. Again: Ewww.
Round One

First up was Rick in his stained, gray shell-suit trousers. As soon as he popped through the hole, Daniel moved in for the kill, lapping away excitedly at Rick's trunk as if the reputation of every gay man in the world depended on it.

After 10 floppy minutes of Daniel's best efforts, Rick's dick was still quite shy of the promised eight-and-a-half inches.

Just before he pulled out, he told us, "To be completely truthful, it's not the best I've ever had. But it wasn't the worst either."

It was obvious to all present that these were just words of kindness and encouragement for poor Daniel, who seemed genuinely confused by his inability to stir the snake.

Time to move on to mouth two.

After struggling to get the condom on his flaccid member, we encouraged Rick to just put it through the hole au naturel. Avalon sprung into action with a condom ready to roll on with her mouth. She made his dick disappear and within a minute, it was growing in her mouth at an alarming rate. Her effortless glide- and-lick technique impressed all present, most importantly Rick, who, in between murmuring and closing his eyes, told the judges: "Can I just say something? I think this is the male. This one's a lot better than the first one."

A minute later, he filled his condom with jets of hot gay spunk and Avalon leaped to her feet and punched the air like a lottery winner.

Result: Womankind 1, Gay Men 0.

Round Two

Sam prepped by jerking off behind the glory booth to a copy of Maxim. "It can take me up to an hour to cum sometimes, but I can always get my dick hard in a matter of minutes," he told us.

Daniel sunk to his knees while blindfolded Sam shuffled his wobbling sword into the glory hole. Our disheartened gay friend got to work immediately, this time using teeth, spit, face rubbing and the "licking down the side" technique that he learned in the "nightclub toilets of Brighton."

It soon became apparent that this rough lick-and-tickle technique wasn't doing the business, as Sam started to become droopy. He looked around the room as if desperately seeking a way out.

"I think I'll give No. 2 a go, please," he pleaded. "This one is very rough."

Fearing that the contest was already over, we decided to tip the scales and add a handicap—we told Avalon to give Sam the worst blowjob she could. She dallied around with his cock like an Iraqi prisoner of war forced to suck his best friend off for the pleasure of American troops. Still, though, Sam's member responded immediately. This was turning into a bloodbath.

Drunk on her success and given the nod to go in for the kill, Avalon sunk to her knees and showed off the smooth yet firm deep-throat technique that wowed Rick so much. Within a couple of minutes, Sam's features had relaxed and he gazed into the ceiling while telling us, "This one is a lot more sensual. Umm, uh, that's important, when you're, uh, doing a thing like this."

Just to be 100% sure, we gave Daniel a last chance to uphold his reputation. Sam still wasn't feeling his efforts.

"No," he sighed. "I like the vigor of this, but I definitely prefer the other." With that, Avalon took over and brought the young man to an intense, shuddering climax.

Result: Womankind 2, Gay Men 0.

So that's that—girls suck better cock than gays. It's a good thing, too, because if men had continued to waste their precious seed inside other men, the human race could have ended up extinct within, say, 2,000 years.