GIFs by Daniel Stuckey
A British teen decided to yank a fire alarm at a rave, pulling off most of his pinkie in the process. The teen didn't rush to the hospital, though—he kept dancing. “I didn’t want to be the sore thumb sticking out—or the sore pinkie—so I was like, ‘Fuck it; let's skank on and enjoy it,’” he said.
Hillary Clinton handed a copy of her book, Hard Choices, to a Republican National Committee intern who was dressed as a squirrel. This made no sense, but making no sense is very on brand for Clinton, whose gay lovin', liberal husband supported DOMA and Don't Ask, Don't Tell, deregulated Wall Street, and allowed Arkansas to execute a mentally challenged man. Keep reppin' the family brand, Hill!
Scientists have yet to invent antibiotics that don't make you shit your brains out, but they have created a process that allows art historians to look deep into old paintings. Recently, this technology allowed historians to uncover a picture of a cute man wearing a bow tie beneath Picasso's “The Blue Room.”
Proving mommy bloggers are the biggest sociopaths on earth after poets and theater kids, a mommy blogger poisoned her son with salt.
Idiots invested $1 million in a new app called YO that allows you to say, “YO,” to your friends. This news pissed off tech bloggers, who make pennies while tech geeks make millions creating new ways to say hi to their friends. Of course, the REAL thing to be pissed about here is that YO is a ripoff of Facebook pokes.
A drone took a picture of a naked dude, however, for long-distance dick pics, dick pic connoisseurs still believe telephoto lenses are the way to go.
Eleven years after the start of the Iraq War, Sunnis and Shiites are once again fighting in Iraq. This week, Dick Cheney decided to open his mouth and blame the mess on Obama, even though ruining countries is what Cheney does best.
This week commemorates the two year anniversary of Julian Assange's decision to hide in Ecuador’s London embassy. Two years later, the notorious creep (and defender of public transparency) is still trolling Obama hard: “You must surely, now, start to reflect on what your legacy will be,” he said. “It must be at odds with a former professor of constitutional law to have a legacy that not only involves the construction of extrajudicial kill lists of individuals—including American citizens—but also a legacy of being the president who conducted more Espionage Act investigations against journalists and their sources than all previous presidents combined.” Ouch. Nice burn, Assange!
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