Every week I get emails from victoriamilan.com, a site for people who cheat on their partners, offering a selection of weird facts about cheating. I'm not super interested in cheaters—I figure people do it because their parents didn't love them enough, or too much, or they're human garbage, or it's just not my business. But these emails are something else. They bring pieces of insight to my inbox like what married celebrities people fantasize about destroying their marriages with , or the percentage of unfaithful partners that believe in true love , and how to tell if your man's cheating on you by the sex toy he gets you for Christmas . As you can imagine, I'm obsessed with them.I always wondered who's compiling this stuff. Why spend hours collecting random, weird, and sad facts just so you can spam strangers with them?For Valentine's Day, I decided to find out. I don't know what I expected when I contacted their media liaison in Malta, but it definitely wasn't a sensitive woman with an amazing part Maltese, part cut-glass-English accent. She was surprisingly open to my questions, although she asked to remain unnamed. Valentine's Day had come early for me: I was Skyping with my favorite semi-sketchy email provider.VICE: Where does this information come from?
Victoria Milan Spokeswoman: We have a lot of information within the system from what members fill in for their profiles. That gives us statistics of their tastes, what they find interesting, what sector they work in, and what turns them on. From what I've seen, the number one turn on for men is still oral sex, and for women it's a sense of humor.That's kind of depressing. Why collate it at all?
To be honest, that's one of the parts I find most interesting. It's obviously a controversial site so we want an insight into our members' minds. We do some fun polls like which celebrity would you want to be with? But also serious ones to see why people cheat. Why they make this choice.So since you're kind of an expert: Why do people cheat, according to your findings?
Interestingly of our members, only 20 percent actually cheat. The other 80 percent just flirt. That strikes me as insecurity. Obviously some people enjoy cheating, that's their way of being—they have high sexual drives. But it boils down to being insecure. You need someone to reaffirm who you are, reaffirm your sexuality.That makes sense. But why send that out in these emails?
Well, journalists tend to like it. It's kind of our environment at the moment, we seem to see monogamy as something bad. Relationships are falling apart. People are becoming more independent, sexuality is becoming more open, so people do want to read about it.They want to know why people cheat, and like I said, it's because people don't understand what they want. They don't understand what a healthy relationship is. The media is very invested in anything that's sexual or controversial at the moment.I suppose this chat is representative of that. All this stuff is pretty obvious though. What's the most surprising thing you've found?
We had a case of two married people meeting on the site. They wrote to us a year later thanking us because they fell in love and are now happily married. If it will last we don't know, but they went from being cheaters to being committed individuals.What about in general?
Men cheat differently to women. Men cheat because sexuality is no longer there in their relationship. Or they feel they shouldn't have to work on it, it should just be there on its own—which is not the case. Over time, sexuality in a marriage will change; it will never be the same as when you met. Female members seek attention. They feel either rejected by their partner or unattractive, so they seek the emotional part. We do see a lot of funny interactions: there are a lot of genitalia pictures from men and the women just rejecting them.Just talking about this makes me feel gross about humans. Does it affect how you see people?
No, I try to be as non-judgemental as possible. I'm always aware there is something else behind the choice they're making. I'm quite a committed person, so I know if I was in a relationship and tempted to cheat I would split up with that person. But I'm not in the position of being married for 20-years with three children.Are you in a relationship?
Yes.Doesn't thinking about this all day mess with your head?
I'm aware that my partner may cheat on me, but then I'm aware they might do it because they're hurt or something's not enough. It makes me want to work harder to understand them. And if hard work doesn't pay off I know I need to let the person go. Maybe I take things less personally.You said you're committed by nature. Don't you feel for the partners getting cheated on?
There is some empathy, but at the same time, I can't allow myself to judge. I wasn't always non-judgemental. The site challenges a lot of values and ethics.What do you hope people get out of your research?
To stop taking things so seriously, things are not that serious. Secondly, I wish we'd get to know each other better and just connect better.Follow Wendy Syfret on Twitter.
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Victoria Milan Spokeswoman: We have a lot of information within the system from what members fill in for their profiles. That gives us statistics of their tastes, what they find interesting, what sector they work in, and what turns them on. From what I've seen, the number one turn on for men is still oral sex, and for women it's a sense of humor.That's kind of depressing. Why collate it at all?
To be honest, that's one of the parts I find most interesting. It's obviously a controversial site so we want an insight into our members' minds. We do some fun polls like which celebrity would you want to be with? But also serious ones to see why people cheat. Why they make this choice.So since you're kind of an expert: Why do people cheat, according to your findings?
Interestingly of our members, only 20 percent actually cheat. The other 80 percent just flirt. That strikes me as insecurity. Obviously some people enjoy cheating, that's their way of being—they have high sexual drives. But it boils down to being insecure. You need someone to reaffirm who you are, reaffirm your sexuality.
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Well, journalists tend to like it. It's kind of our environment at the moment, we seem to see monogamy as something bad. Relationships are falling apart. People are becoming more independent, sexuality is becoming more open, so people do want to read about it.They want to know why people cheat, and like I said, it's because people don't understand what they want. They don't understand what a healthy relationship is. The media is very invested in anything that's sexual or controversial at the moment.I suppose this chat is representative of that. All this stuff is pretty obvious though. What's the most surprising thing you've found?
We had a case of two married people meeting on the site. They wrote to us a year later thanking us because they fell in love and are now happily married. If it will last we don't know, but they went from being cheaters to being committed individuals.What about in general?
Men cheat differently to women. Men cheat because sexuality is no longer there in their relationship. Or they feel they shouldn't have to work on it, it should just be there on its own—which is not the case. Over time, sexuality in a marriage will change; it will never be the same as when you met. Female members seek attention. They feel either rejected by their partner or unattractive, so they seek the emotional part. We do see a lot of funny interactions: there are a lot of genitalia pictures from men and the women just rejecting them.
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No, I try to be as non-judgemental as possible. I'm always aware there is something else behind the choice they're making. I'm quite a committed person, so I know if I was in a relationship and tempted to cheat I would split up with that person. But I'm not in the position of being married for 20-years with three children.Are you in a relationship?
Yes.Doesn't thinking about this all day mess with your head?
I'm aware that my partner may cheat on me, but then I'm aware they might do it because they're hurt or something's not enough. It makes me want to work harder to understand them. And if hard work doesn't pay off I know I need to let the person go. Maybe I take things less personally.You said you're committed by nature. Don't you feel for the partners getting cheated on?
There is some empathy, but at the same time, I can't allow myself to judge. I wasn't always non-judgemental. The site challenges a lot of values and ethics.What do you hope people get out of your research?
To stop taking things so seriously, things are not that serious. Secondly, I wish we'd get to know each other better and just connect better.Follow Wendy Syfret on Twitter.