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Vice Blog

CHODE WARS - THE THIRD AND FINAL REPORT

by VICE Staff
Apr 2 2010, 2:19pm


We just finished tallying the final results of our informal chode poll and we think you'll be pleasantly surprised by our findings.


To recap: Influenced by the pioneering ethnolinguistic efforts of Pamela Munro, the guy in My Fair Lady who can tell what neighborhood in England you're from by accent, and that map of different things people call a soft drink, we set out to determine a precise geographical distribution for the two principle usages of the word "chode" (accepted var. "choad"), a dick wider than it is long (or "ball-pisser" in the late-80s vernacular), or a byword for the perineum ("dodis").


The respondents to the survey overwhelmingly favored the penile meaning (by a factor of 2.5) but as far as the regional breakdown is concerned we're frankly at a loss for a tidy explanation. The simultaneous presence of overwhelming dick and taint majorities in California and Washington state tanked our initial hypothesis of a bi-coastal split.

Likewise, Georgia, Texas, and the rust belt's switch from solid taint to weak-dick with increased data shut down both our theorized southern "taint belt" and concurrent I-75 "Appalachian taint corridor."

The search for external correlations has proven equally fruitless. The distribution pattern doesn't appear to match up with political affiliation, unemployment , income inequaltiy, or climate.

The only outside factor which seems to conform to our chode data is this map of population change by state, which would have taint usage increasing in or near states that experienced a higher influx of new residents in the past decade. Unfortunately, this still begs the question of whether the additional taint usage was brought into the states by these migrants or represents a defensive retrenchment of native-born taint adherence. And in the case of the former, from what states did these taint-users originate?

Expanding the scope of the survey to global chode usage did little to help our confusion.


In Canada, we found that taint preference occurs in both heavily-populated Ontario and the sparsely-peopled prairie of Alberta, while stubdong usage predominates along a similarly arbitrary stagger between BC and Manitoba.

Meanwhile in Australia, taint usage is strictly limited to the empty Western half of the country.

And in both the UK and Mexico exists in extreme disproportion to the prevailing dick meaning, and generally in outlier areas to the major population centers

We've got a few more ideas to test out involving race and diet, but to be honest, at this point we feel like we're grasping at straws. Maybe the dual meanings of chode, like the twined cosmic forces of yin and yang, know no social or temporal bounds. Anyways, if you've got any theories on this whole thing, we're all ears.