Too Hard

Photo by Roger Moore

If you work at Australia Post in Canberra, you're basically a courier for porn merchants. X-rated video sales are the largest export revenue earner for Canberra with an annual turnover of $34 million, and that means that at least half of Australia Post's courier division is dedicated to sorting X-rated videos and whisking them away to guys around the country who can no longer cum to their back catalogue. Where Canberra has played relaxed host to the porn bonanza, it has been the veritable party pooper for the phone sex industry. The "phone sexual services" industry was generating a healthy $150 million dollars a year up until Canberra decided to try to pull the plug. First the Telephone Information Services Standards Council (TISSC) helped outlaw phone-sex advertising in newspapers and then the Federal Government chimed in by passing legislation requiring people to "opt in" for 1900 numbers. That means that you have to apply in writing to Telstra or Optus for a PIN number to be able to access adult telephone services, a process that takes around 10 days. That's a long time to stay in the mood if you're aching for a good talking to. Diane McCartien is an industry veteran who has been through it all-she's kind of like the Tommy Lee of Australian phone sex. She has been working it for 8 years and has decided now's the time to cash in with her own book chronicling her adventures. VICE: How much do you make? Some weeks only $50, others $300. This is how I make my living. Once you're over 40 other industries don't want to employ you anymore. Does it turn you on? No. Will you do anything? Over the phone, yes. What's the freakiest shit you've been asked to do? A man called up once and asked me to be his mother and have sex with him. I'm a mother and it really scared me. One guy asked one of the girls to be an ant and crawl up the eye of his penis, stop halfway and bite the inside of it. Another guy was telling me that he had sex with his horse for two years before he got a girlfriend, then he left her and would do it with his donkey. What people tell me is for real. I could tell if they were lying. I guess my daughter was right when she told me the lines would turn me off men for good. C.R MURPHY