Even After a 'Millennial-Friendly' Budget, You're Still Fucked

These kids know what's up

Hi column readers, let me start with an apology for wasting your time. Apparently we're not "Generation Fucked" after all. George Osborne gave a budget this week in which he said "next generation" more times than whoever replaced Steve Jobs launching a new Apple product – 18, in total. As a generation He is smiling on us kindly and listening to our anguish. He gets it and he wants to help.

That or he reads this column and has twigged that young people dislike him as much as he dislikes having to interact with them, and might want to get some votes off young people one day.

So what gifts did George Osborne throw our way? First, there's the lifetime Isa, where the government will add a 25 percent bonus to whatever you put into a Isa. £4,000 is the maximum, which could see you nap a government hand out of a grand. Woohoooo, free money!

Maybe we could save towards buying a house, says George helpfully. Much like Help to Buy, this sounds like sort of help that will end up inflating the housing market even further, meaning the government will give us money to buy crappy homes, very, very expensively. The other option, says George, is that we could put this away for our retirements.

This comes off the back of news that the state pension age is likely to rise to 75, meaning we'll still be in work as our bodies start to creak and our critical faculties begin to slow.

Don't worry, says George, you can avoid all that. Except you can't. The government's own figures imply that they don't expect many people to take them up on their generous offer, presumably because a lot of people won't be able to afford to save anything much.

It's encouragement to save from a guy who created a National Living Wage that keeps you in poverty, and built an economic recovery on a mountain of personal debt. Last year it was reported that 17 to 24 year olds have an average debt to income ratio of 70 percent. You may be drowning it debt right now but please start saving for your future.

Oh and btw, a range of benefits such as jobseekers' allowance, housing benefit, child benefit, child tax credits and employment support allowance and disability benefits are all being frozen for four years from April.

Thanks to these new hand-outs, chances are you'll still be working your National Living Wage job at the age of 81 to keep up with your rent payments. The difference is that it'll be all your fault for being too frivolous to take advantage of a big pot of government money that's been waiting for you to take it, just out of reach.

@SimonChilds13

More from VICE:

I'd Consider Leaving the Profession': Teachers Talk About Every School Becoming an Academy

We Asked People if Osborne's Saving Scheme Is Actually Worthwhile

The Authors of 'The Rent Trap' Told Us How to Fuck Landlords Right Back