The Truth Can Be Googled: The X-Files Returns to a New Era

The X-Files is coming back! Fox has greenlit a mini-series, bringing back Mulder, Scully, and series creator Chris Carter. I am so freaking pumped. When I was a kid, my family and I would watch new episodes together every week. My favorite episodes were always the monster-of-the-week ones. The creepy LA goth vampire episode, the one where insectoids took human form and only Mulder could see them, the redneck incest episode that only aired once but everyone knows is the scariest one. The show illuminated my brain with tantalizing, scary possibilities. All of a sudden, every news article held a deeper mystery and every shadow hid unspeakable terror.

A return of The X-Files is very appropriate for the world we live in today. The late '90s were a time of optimism, while the early goings of the Aughts were a time of cynicism. Today, we assume that our institutions are lying to us, that official stories aren't revealing the whole truth, and that the "truth" is indeed "out there," probably on 4chan. On top of that, conspiracy theories have never been more mainstream. The rise of Google has made it possible for everyone to find a government cover-up that suits them, whether techno-geek or soccer mom. Conspiracy theories are not just for people with newspaper clippings on their apartment walls anymore, and the new season of The X-Files will likely reflect our present state. That certainly seems the case from the leaked episode synopsis list that "Frank" (certainly not his or her real name, if we knew who "Frank" was) gave us while we were drinking Colt 45s in that abandoned parking garage last week.

Episode One: "Reunited"
Owing to an increase in strange events, Skinner reforms the X-Files. Returning to the FBI from a sabbatical spent attempting to be a writer, Fox Mulder, along with his partner Dana Scully, head to Alaska where mysterious explosions have been heard by locals. Scientists tell Mulder that these explosions come with the released methane gas caused by a warming climate—but Mulder thinks something else is going on. Those weird lights in the sky can't just be a coincidence… can they? Scientists tell Mulder they can. But can they, really?

Episode Two: "2Canines"
There have been strange animal attacks around the FBI headquarters in Virginia. The official explanation is black bears. Mulder is not convinced, especially after he is bit by a dog in the park. Scully thinks he was antagonizing the dog, but only Mulder knows the truth. He was antagonizing that dog. But he was only doing it for the purpose of finding out the dog's true intentions. There's something bigger going on here. Scully is just happy to have the Agency's dental plan back.

Episode Three: "Roots"
Trying to contact Mark Zuckerberg to find out the truth about Facebook, Mulder accidentally clicks on a friend's Facebook link and is introduced to the troubling world of GMOs. Hoping to avoid the mind control of pesticides, Mulder starts a community garden on top of his apartment building. After a disappointing first harvest, he is convinced that shadowy forces are ensuring his cucumbers will not grow. Scully thinks cucumbers are just out of season. Mulder knows there's something bigger than the weather at work here, but what?

Episode Four: "11-13-33"
Mulder's walkman finally breaks, causing him to give in and sign up for a music streaming service. While investigating his options, Mulder becomes convinced that Jay Z is a member of the Illuminati, especially after seeing a YouTube video where someone overlaid a dollar bill over Jay Z's hands. Is Tidal his mind control plot, allowing him access into the mind through the ear canal? Mulder knew that was always the best way into someone's mind, and now it seems that Jay Z knew it too. Something bigger is going on, and someone needs to do something before it's too late. Scully, meanwhile, prefers Spotify's interface, and thinks that it's nice that all famous people are friends with each other.

Episode Five: "Vaxx'd"
Scully's sister is having a baby, and she is overjoyed to be an aunt. Mulder is happy for her, until one afternoon he watches an episode of The View. When he finds out Scully's niece is being vaccinated, Mulder warns Scully of the potential side effects. It's obvious to Mulder that autism, which he knows is caused by vaccines, is actually a dangerous mutation in humanity's evolutionary chain. Scully continues to cite statistics and facts proving Mulder wrong, but she doesn't see that there's something bigger at work.

Episode Six: "Reptilian"
While flipping around his satellite radio in search of what the voice in his head calls "the signal," Mulder stumbles on an interview with David Icke. Confirming his suspicion that the world is run by a secret elite of reptilian humanoids, Mulder doesn't know who to trust. After Scully starts complaining about constantly dry skin, Mulder knows that there's something bigger at play. Going straight to the top, Mulder asks friends in the Secret Service about the President's moisturizing habits, only to learn that the POTUS uses baby powder. Just like Mulder knew he would.

Episode Seven: "Bitconned"
While trying to buy a bluetooth betablocker pill on the Silk Road, Mulder stumbles onto the existence of Bitcoins. It's not long until he realizes that this currency was created by the Federal Reserve, which used this imaginary money as a vehicle for government control. To escape its grasp, he must invest in the only currency with real value: gold. Not having enough money due to some outrageous data charges as a result of his feelings on Wi-Fi (doesn't trust it), Mulder tries to convince his friends to go in on a pile of gold bullion. Skinner and Scully refuse, citing how "fucking stupid" the request sounds, but Mulder knows that something bigger is going on.

Episode Eight: "The Truther Is Out There"
Mulder eats what he assumes are the bluetooth beta blockers he ordered on the internet, only to have them turn out to be meth. After staying up for a week in his newly constructed blanket and cutlery fort while watching Loose Change and Zeitgeist, Mulder comes to the FBI headquarters fixated on finding out what really happened on that fateful day in September. He opens the computer, his yellowish brown fingernails prying apart the laptop as his soul screams for more meth. He browses his emails, scrolling back to several unopened ones from the CIA in August 2001. He sees one email in particular titled "Fwd: Suspicious Flight Schools." He opens it. He eats a little more meth. He knew it would end like this, he always knew. Scully contemplates retirement.

*These plots are a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual plotlines is a very unfortunate coincidence.

With additional reporting from Slava Pastuk

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