Alamo Drafthouse prides itself on turning a night at the movies into an experience. Folks go to the luxury theater chain to watch Knives Out in a bougie chair while they sip a Whodunit Highball, or get drunk at drag brunch during a screening of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, or dress up as a cat and go see CATS, which is a thing some people apparently want to do. Later this month, Alamo is upping the ante, offering particularly committed fans a one-of-a-kind, generally deranged opportunity: Come get married in a movie theater and watch something you may or may not actually enjoy.
At first blush, this sounds like a cute, probably harmless idea. Two people who are as in love with each other as they are with Adam Sandler (surely they exist) get hitched, and get a free ceremony out of it. Or some couple who's watched the original Star Wars trilogy, like, 15 times together get to have a wedding more absurdly nerdy than they ever dreamed of. Maybe these Alamo weddings will be as Sweet and Pure as they sound—or maybe they'll be a complete disaster.
What if the new Star Wars movie is a total stinker? Imagine the most important day of your life being forever darkened by your deep, utter disappointment with a film you were praying would be better than The Last Jedi, but turned out to be even worse, somehow. Or what if two lovebirds obsessed with Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison walk into their ceremony expecting to see some feel-good comedy, only to wind up watching a marriage crumble into oblivion while Adam Sandler blatantly cheats on his wife with a girl he is constantly, brutally screaming at? Alamo's special little marriage screenings could lead to happy, long-lasting unions—but then again, they could result in near-instantaneous, vicious divorce.
There's no word on whether Alamo is going to expand this whole "make what's arguably the biggest decision of your life on a whim" program to any other films, but if they do, things could certainly get interesting. Maybe some deeply miserable couple wants to finalize their divorce at a screening of Marriage Story; Alamo could supply a licensed notary, and whoever's calling it quits can bask in the catharsis of watching noted long man Adam Driver break Scarlett Johansson's heart. Or perhaps two furries are looking to have a ceremony in full costume, officiated by Cursed Feline Jason Derulo, before they meow and purr through the demented fever dream that is CATS.
The possibilities are endless, and most present extremely worrying pitfalls that could mire some poor couple in a lifetime of misery. The only unproblematic scenario would be to have a 19th century-themed wedding right before you watch Little Women, an unimpeachable movie guaranteed to make even the most embittered, depressed loner believe in love again. Hit me up when that goes on offer, Alamo Drafthouse. I would marry literally anyone at a screening of that movie.
Update (12/11): Turns out the Alamo Drafthouse in New York isn't actually going to have two people get married before a screening of Uncut Gems, which is a bummer. The Austin location, however, already locked down a couple for a Star Wars wedding.
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