Life

The Pandemic Has Made Rejection Even More Common – Here’s How to Deal with It

From lockdown break-ups to unsuccessful job applications, 2020 has been the year of bad news.
A genderqueer person comforting a transgender woman on a therapist's couch (1)
Photo: The Gender Spectrum Collection

At the start of 2020, few of us could have predicted that we’d spend a large portion of the year baking sourdough bread or competing with extended family members on virtual quizzes

Of course, the impact of COVID-19 on our lives runs deeper than baking skills and a newfound disdain for group video calls. Take the job market: around 673,000 jobs have been lost so far this year, with competition for roles increasing by 64 percent compared to 2019, according to LinkedIn. And then there are our relationships. Thanks to various local and national lockdowns, friends have been scattered and couples separated – or forced to quarantine together, which can sometimes be worse. Almost a quarter of Brits report that lockdown has placed a strain on their relationship, according to a study by Relate.

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To summarise: we’re experiencing a lot of rejection right now and it’s spreading as fast as the virus that caused it. What’s more, says Simon Coombs, a psychologist and founder of Working Minds, being rejected feels particularly painful under the current circumstances. “The pandemic has driven a whole new sense of uncertainty into our lives,” he says. “That uncertainty feeds anxiety, meaning all of our senses are magnified, especially the negative ones.”

With this in mind, it’s more important than ever to consider how we process rejection. If you’re suffering from a blow – whether it’s being ghosted by a Hinge match, or losing out at an interview – here are some ways to help lessen the sting. 

KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DEALING WITH

To talk about the feeling of rejection as “pain” isn’t just figurative speech. 

“There's been recent research on rejection where they've been able to link it up to a pain receptor,” says Elayne Savage, psychotherapist, communications coach and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. “It's the mu-opioid receptor, which is usually associated with physical pain. Having worked with rejection for 30 years, I’ve always really suspected that.”

One study even found that participants who took a painkiller (as opposed to a placebo) before recalling a rejection experience reported much less emotional pain. Psychologists put this down to humans’ evolutionary need to be part of a tribe, which would have once been vital for survival. The pain is there to make sure you care enough to stay part of your group.   

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When it comes to how much rejection hurts, past experiences contribute to this, as well as some behavioural conditions, such as ADHD. Research shows that those with the condition can experience rejection more intensely than their peers.

“I've always thought that ADHD was linked to [acute sensitivity to] rejection, which they call rejection sensitive dysphoria, and now we know this is the case thanks to recent studies,” says Savage. 

By understanding why rejection hurts so much, we can start to process the pain and begin dealing with it. 

TAKE CONTROL 

Rejection comes as a consequence of someone else being in control, or at least us feeling like they are. It can help, then, to get back in the driving seat – however this shouldn’t be done impulsively. 

“Avoid knee-jerk reactions, like firing off emails or phone calls,” says Coombs. “Instead, first review what’s happened, then reflect on whether you could or should have done anything differently, and then finally respond. When we start to do those things, we’re suddenly back in some sort of control of our situation, and that’s what helps us to start feeling better.”

There are practical things you can do to alleviate some of the pressure you may find yourself under, too. For instance, if you missed out on a job and finances are a worry, get in touch with your bank and utility companies – they’ll be fixing payment plans for lots of people in the same position. If it was a romantic rejection, call your friends and make plans to see each other if you can: these connections will be invaluable in boosting your self-esteem. 

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NURTURE YOUR SENSE OF SELF 

“Rejection drives into our identity and if that’s not solid, it’ll chip away at us,” says Coombs. “People with a stronger sense of identity and self-worth will better be able to shrug off or process rejection by recognising their good qualities and knowing that what has happened doesn’t reflect those areas.”

Past experience has a huge effect on our sense of self and the way we deal with rejection. If you’re struggling, it’s worth seeking help from a therapist. If that’s not an option though, self-therapy could be the answer. 

“Most of us don’t spend nearly enough time reflecting on the things that we are good at,” says Coombs. “For instance, that could be being a good friend, which in turn means being trustworthy, compassionate and empathic. It’s really important we acknowledge and focus on these things.”

We often fall into the trap of forgetting how multifaceted we are – just because we had a romantic rejection, doesn’t render our work achievements, friendships and other successes irrelevant. 

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY 

This is much easier said than done. But the fact is that social rejection involves you and an outside source, meaning all their psychological stuff is coming into play, too. 

Because who knows what was going on inside the head of your now-ex, let alone that of someone you’ve never met, sifting through job applications – especially given the current context of a global pandemic?

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“When we’re rejected it becomes all about us,” says Savage. “But that’s where we can train ourselves to remember that it’s not, necessarily. Sometimes it's not about us at all but feels like it is because of past experience. It takes practice to separate yourself a little bit so you can see that. This cognitive approach can help get us out of the emotionality of something, recognise types of situations that upset us and consider, ‘Do I have a choice here, can I do this differently to last time?’” 

If you don’t entirely understand the reason you didn’t get that job or why you were dumped out of the blue, do yourself a favour and don’t try to fill in the blanks yourself. That’s a dangerous game, says Savage: “When we consider the reasons behind a rejection, it’s almost always our own narrative, which is never usually the truth of the matter.”

If we do start telling ourselves that it’s absolutely, definitively our fault and we’re just not good enough, that’s when we’ll tumble into self-rejection – lowering our ambition, turning down opportunities and never being happy with our achievements. Feel familiar? The good news is this is the type of rejection we can, with some gritting of teeth, actually control.

@jesscarter_