Dick art is unavoidable. From the skies to the screen, some people seem unable to stop themselves from making almost anything phallic. Most of the time, dick graffiti is pretty harmless—until the canvas becomes somebody's face.
According to the Aspen Times, 25-year-old Stephen Elmore was drinking with a few friends at a house in Aspen, Colorado, before ending up passed out in the living room. That's when one of his friends decided to throw it back to high school and pull one of the oldest pranks in the book—drawing dicks all over Elmore's face.
Apparently Elmore didn't handle it too well and decided to try to find out who drew the dicks. Fingers were pointed, and a fight broke out after Elmore accused one of the fellow revelers of "drawing dicks on his face." Finally, the homeowner, a 37-year-old woman, fessed up to the crime, saying that, actually, she just drew "balls." That's when Elmore disappeared into the basement and, according to the cops, set the garage on fire.
"I asked Elmore what started [the fire], and he said, 'It was just like by her… drawing penises on my face,'" a local cop wrote in an affidavit. "I asked Elmore if he was just really pissed off and he said, 'Yeah come on man… this is bullshit.'"
Luckily, no one was hurt in the blaze, and it only damaged a small portion of the garage. Police and firefighters quickly responded to the scene, where Elmore, who was reportedly slurring his words, tried to tell the cops that it really wasn't that big of a deal.
"Elmore told me, 'Can't you just work with me, bro? I was thinking irrationally,'" a cop wrote in the affidavit. "'I had no intention of burning down the house or anything. If we could just put this in the past, I would really appreciate it.'"
But given that this didn't seem like some kind of weird, bug-fueled accident, the cops didn't bite. Elmore was arrested, and now he's facing a first-degree felony arson charge for allegedly starting the blaze.
The whole fiasco sounds like the premise of some bad, vaguely ski-themed 90s movie—or, even better, a workable premise for the next season of American Vandal. Maybe Elmore could try hitting up the showrunner and selling his story as a script to help cover those legal fees.
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