I have just discovered the best and worst thing, and I must blog about it.
On Monday, YouTube channel “Best 80s Commercials"—which superimposes the most grating sounds upon retro commercials for everything from foodstuffs and medicinal products—posted a doctored commercial for Oreos.
It is 30 seconds long, and I am honestly disgusted.
One man violently slurps—yes, slurps—the cookie's cream. A woman dunks it in a glass of milk, a sound that recalls the absolutely pleasant, definitely-not-grody hum of a toilet bowl being cleaned. She then bulldozes the cookie's chocolate wafers with her teeth. "Stay away from my daughter,” the tagline at the end instructs, before the commercial ends with the familiar, comforting sound of the Nabisco chime. Uh....
If you are an ASMR fiend, you may find these sounds unbearably pleasurable, the aural equivalent of a scalp massage. To me, this commercial is misery.
The "Best 80s Commercial" channel, which began in April of last year, posted its first video 10 months ago and hasn’t looked back since. They all fall on a spectrum that stretches from "slightly unnerving" to "please remove my ears from my body." Listen to this Pizza Hut “commercial,” below, that features the slaps and boinks of dough against a wooden slab, along with the deep, heavy sighs of a dapper young fast food worker wearing a newsboy cap who goes on to die in a literal fire:
If that's not your jam, fall asleep to the sounds of Kraft Mayonnaise being slathered on a cold cut with such brutality that I feel like retching:
Or just watch this a migraine ad that does a dazzling last-minute pivot to Hot Pocket endorsement.
I’ve unfortunately been unable to find the source material for this Oreo commercial. RetroJunk’s database of yesteryear's Oreo commercials, which I can usually depend on to supply me with this extremely vital knowledge, was no help at all. I was unable to reach the owner of “Best 80s Commercials” for comment. Mondelez, Oreo’s current-day distributor in the United States, did not respond to my immediate request for comment.
Terrible! As I wait, I will be trapped in the auditory prison of this fake 30-second commercial, which I have been playing on InfiniteLooper nonstop.