Entertainment

Animals With Knives, Ranked

'Battle Beasts' IRL.

by Peter Slattery
Jun 18 2019, 12:49pm

Collage by Peter Slattery, Photos by Canuck and I/Facebook

It’s been a big month for animals with knives. Just weeks after news broke that Canuck the viral knife-wielding crow became a father (congrats, Canuck!), a resident of Fort Bend County, Texas, says she spotted a live alligator with a blade stuck in its head.

Gators are apparently pretty resilient when it comes to this kind of thing, so this big lizard and his new cranial accessory will hopefully end up just fine. To celebrate these beasts of the blade, we’ve compiled a list of all the times animals have risen to internet fame for being spotted wielding sharp objects. Enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: VICE does not condone the arming of wild or domesticated animals.

16. Knife Crab

Though several videos of crabs appearing to defend themselves with blades have gone viral in the past few years, the clips were probably all staged, which could potentially hurt the crustaceans in question. Because of this fraught history, Knife Crab takes the bottom spot in this ranking.

15. Knife Seal

It’s certainly a stark contrast to see a cuddly sea puppy clutching a murder weapon in its snout, but this clip really just illustrates how terribly polluted our oceans are becoming. Next.

14. Knife Gecko

While his courage is admirable, this lil’ guy has to be penalized pretty heavily because he’s not actually holding a knife, but rather a different type of stabby object (push pin). Yawn.

13. Knife Chameleon

Again, not a knife, but instead a leaf blade of some kind, which looks straight outta that elf movie with really bad SEO. Epic, that's the one. That film was nuts, by the way. Beyoncé was in it. Christoph Waltz was in it. Even Pitbull was in it. What!

12. Knife Lobsters

Does anyone know where this image is from? No? Alright, let’s just put it here.

11. Knife Monkey (Drunk)

Extremely chaotic energy here. Also, keep your bevs away from primates, you monsters!

10. Knife Monkey (Sober, Presumably)

Triple knife monkey is undeniably badass, but is also an animal raised for performance to profit humans, which kinda stinks.

9. Knife Turtle

This seems like a pretty non-invasive way of blade attachment, but something just feels off about this one. It’s like Twisted Metal: Xtra Slow Reptile Expansion, or something.

8. Knife Hamster

The top two comments on this YouTube video are "Top 10 anime bosses" and "A weapon to surpass the metal gear." It's impossible to improve on that.

7. Knife Gorilla

Gorillas are known to use tools, so it’s not a huge surprise that Barika and Zuri, two captive gorillas at the Calgary Zoo, were curious about a knife accidentally left in their enclosure by a zookeeper back in 2009. Luckily, no gorillas were hurt in this incident—they're apparently used to foreign objects falling into their enclosures, and know to treat a new item with caution.

6. Knife Dog

Knife dog is ready. Knife dog has waited a long time for this. Knife dog knows when and where you sleep. Knife dog's time has come.

5. Knife Cat

Cats are better than dogs, so cats have to take the next slot, of course. A no-brainer here.

4. Knife Alligator

We're still waiting to see how this one plays out, but knife alligator automatically qualifies as a "big mood" in these dark days.

3. Knife Eagle

KNIFE. EAGLE. EAGLE WITH A KNIFE.

2. Knife Crow

Canuck, Vancouver's notorious knife-wielding crow, beats out the aforementioned larger bird of prey because he specifically stole his weapon to thwart a police investigation. Corvids, man. You have to love 'em.

1. Doombas

In a stunning upset, modified Roombas with weaponry (often a knife) attached, known as "Doombas," take the number one spot. Yes, our autonomous house cleaning robots count as "animals," and terrifyingly impressive ones at that. Other animals cower in fear at the sight of these virulent vacuums. If you disagree, shoot an email over to Nobody.Cares@vice.com. They'll certainly address your concerns in a timely manner.

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