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Empathy Test

A Possible Defence of New Zealand’s Visitors From Hell

Who among us hasn't behaved badly on holiday? #makingmemories
Unruly tourists
Illustration by Ben Thomson

Welcome to the Empathy Test, in which we try to find the good in a harsh, judgmental world.

Over the past week they have become the Scourge of the Nation. Auckland Mayor Phil Goff has called them, “A bunch of a-holes.” The NZ Herald has labelled them “holiday-makers from hell”. Hordes of internet commenters are baying for their blood.

What is actually going on with these unruly tourists?

The incident that incited the initial hatred seems to be a bunch of rubbish left on Takapuna Beach. When the NZ Herald interviewed the ringleader of the litterbugs, a man claiming his name to be John Johnson explained that “what happened was, is a little boy came up and smacked one of my kids”.

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Beachside bumps are frequent occurrences in New Zealand, but for people from a country so obsessed with personal space they voted to leave the EU, it may be something completely different.

Picture yourself as John Johnson (hereafter referred to as “JJ”). You are already on edge from the strange accents. The beach is too hot. The grass isn’t littered with broken glass. It’s about as far from England as can be. You look out to the water and you see your nephew, his wide-brimmed Bunnings hat hanging low. He approaches, and tells you that he was pushed.

JJ claims that next a group of children surrounded him and began calling them, “loads of names.” Perhaps JJ had recently watched Lord of the Flies, and in the mindset of a paranoid tourist, equated the deserted island with Takapuna Beach. The children that surrounded them on the thin strip of grass between beach and car park could have been saying anything but in the heat and unnatural pleasantness of Takapuna, JJ and his brood may have misinterpreted the antipodean accent as cries of feral violence.

The English family fled the beach in terror and confusion, leaving in their wake their soiled remains.

Should a family be ostracised for fleeing in fear?

Of course, this is not the only thing the Johnsons are accused of. High on their list of alleged crimes is a series of runners they have made on restaurant bills, from North Shore cafes to the Te Rapa Burger King. JJ counter-claimed that his family would never skip out on their bill as his grandfather is the “10th Richest Man in England.” According to the Business Insider, this would make his grandfather the Duke of Westminster, Hugh Grosvenor, who is 27 years old.

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Now, there are two options here. One is that JJ is much, much younger than we think. Is New Zealand’s furore directed toward an abnormally, debilitatingly large child?

The other is that JJ is lying.

There are many reasons why people lie, and not all of them relate to avoiding restaurant bills. Perhaps JJ has long been touting this rich grandfather claim around his tiny English village. Perhaps this claim has garnered his family a respect not seen in its bloodline for centuries. This respect may have grown throughout their community, giving the Johnsons friends, favours, respect.

Perhaps this plan continued smoothly until some brazen loudmouth at the local pub started in with, “Hey JJ, if your grandfather is the 10th richest man in England, how come you never go on any holidays?” The village latched onto the idea, and JJ, for the sake of his family’s prestige, was forced to undertake a holiday he couldn’t afford to the furthest, most expensive country he could find.

Bills left unpaid become JJ’s vain attempts to keep his rich-grandfather-lie a secret from his wife, gas-station theft a comedic crime caper. Is New Zealand reacting with extreme anger to what may be harmless buffoons?

At the end of the day, a family came to New Zealand. They wanted to see the Hobbits. As JJ says, “I've been looking at the Hobbits my whole life, since I'm born (sic)”. Unless this man is 18 years old, this means that he has been looking forward to seeing Matamata for years before it was even used as the set of Lord of the Rings. How many fans can claim that?

But their dreams of Hobbits instead became a media maelstrom. If the media was wrong about where the family is from, what else might they have got wrong? The Johnsons have found themselves mercilessly hounded by the press, the internet, and the mayor of Auckland. These hapless tourists probably never knew they would be entering a country that viewed deliberate rudeness with the unbridled rage of the truly unhinged.

Well, JJ and co. Welcome to New Zealand! For the couple of days remaining in your curtailed holiday, I suggest you start saying sorry a hundred or so times and you might just blend in.

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