Friends, lovers, hopeless romantics, and insatiable sex machines... hello. Welcome to a special Valentine’s Day edition of We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, the semi-recurring series where we review… well, you can probably figure it out. Once again, we opened the internet hellmouth for 30 minutes and took your submissions. As usual, you all dumped a flaming bag full of dog shit at our doorstep, so let’s just put on our safety gloves and start digging in. The recipients of this edition’s trash heap are Noisey’s Kristin Corry, Leslie Horn, and Dan Ozzi. Here’s what you sent them...
Dan: Something is getting lost in translation here, but from what I can gather, these people love this kite? They worship the kite. They maybe even incorporate the kite into their lovemaking? In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I will not stand here and judge their human-on-kite fuck fest. I think it’s beautiful.
Kristin: First of all, the hats in this are A1. The AutoTune adds a nice touch. I’d love to know what this translates to. It sounds like a bop. Tweet us back!
Leslie: We stan an AutoTune kite-loving legend! Not entirely sure what’s going on here but I like the vibe.
Dan: TWO entries? Pump the brakes, Abeer. OK, I don’t know much about Tinder but it seems like… you’re not supposed to use it with your partner? Sort of defeats the whole purpose, no? I think you need to take this over to Thrinder.
Kristin: How does the swiping work? Has to be a thumbs up for both, I assume? The more, the merrier.
Leslie: No offense but is that his mom in the pic? Swipe right for a guy who loves his mom!
Dan: This is like if Quentin Tarantino directed a music video for Post Malone who didn’t show up to the shoot so he made his production assistant fill in. Seriously, is that the same motel from From Dusk Til Dawn?
Kristin: LOL, Dan. This is actually better than any Post Malone video I’ve seen. (Might not have seen any, actually—but that’s besides the point.)
Leslie: Gotta say, I did not expect the rapping, but now that I see that Krum is from Dallas this makes a lot of sense.
Kristin: Apparently every dog listens besides mine. Good boy!
Dan: This dog is having one of those days where he’s “working from home” and a friend hit him up and asked if he wants to meet at Five Guys for lunch.
Leslie: A+ dog smile on an A+ dog.
Dan: It looks like the bee is constipated and is taking a really painful pointy dump. I’m not sure what your business is, but unless it’s a company that makes laxatives for bees I’d say this is inappropriate.
Kristin: It’s really cute. But Beyoncé kinda already has the bee game on lock, don’t you think? I vote a different bug.
Leslie: This bee looks rude. It has the same energy as a Speed Racer villain.
Kristin: Hate cats. Thank u, next.
Leslie: I’m not really a cat person, but this guy has a sweet face. I wouldn’t cross him though as cats are absolutely ruthless.
Dan: Wow, both Kristin and Leslie coming out with some anti-cat rhetoric. The internet will not stand for this. The net was practically built on cats. It’s the felines’ world wide web, we’re just living in it.
Dan: I clicked on a song called “How She Queef’d” and, much like Michael Bluth opening a paper bag that says DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT, I’ve gotta say I don’t know what I expected. It’s just loaded with queef sound effects. Unfortunately, that’s the best sounding part of this album.
Leslie: I can’t deal with this. This band is called “Marie et la toilette”? Did an 11-year-old boy think of that name? That said, I was kind of feeling it, but the queef song stopped me dead in my tracks and I could go no further.
Kristin: LMAO. You had me at “explicit & offensive.” The song titles are great. “Goosepimples on Your Boob Nipples” and “I’d #$@& Your Face,” c’mon! (Listening to the latter, btw) I’m not mad at it. I’m not offended though, so I guess I should be mad?
Dan: Mother FUCKER!
Kristin: Your hand is hairy as shit. I’m uneasy.
Leslie: Is this like a butthole joke or something?
Dan: Leslie, this is like the hand equivalent of getting BOFA'd. We got BOFA'd on our own dang website.
Dan: This guy is a Staten Island LEGEND. (Even though he’s from Brooklyn.) God this is so fucking deranged and I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Thank you for this.
Kristin: Coffee don’t even slap like that, for real.
Leslie: I want coffee.
Dan: Are you seriously trying to get a media job in 2019? Buddy, read the room. Look, you seem like a nice young person so I’m going to give you some helpful advice: DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE YOUNG AND STILL HAVE TIME. WE HAVE ALREADY RUINED OUR LIVES AND THERE IS NO TURNING BACK. GO TO PODIATRY SCHOOL OR SELL QUILTS ON ETSY OR SOMETHING. FOR GOD’S SAKE, MAN!
Kristin: ^What Dan said. D.C.’s awesome though. Stay there as long as you can.
Leslie: My practical advice is you should make a resume that is less hard to read, and also no one cares about your fraternity! Sorry! You seem overqualified though!
Kristin: I was going to say “A Dream to Sleep” should’ve been an interlude and then it turned up at the two-minute mark. False advertising.
Dan: Hey, guess what, I like this. It reminds me of about 800 other hardcore records I already own.
Leslie: I’m feeling this.
Dan: Anyone who said “At least we’ll get better art in the age of Trump” should be required to slurp up this vapid gruel though their eye sockets. This is like if you ran the Krassenstein brothers’ tweets through Google Translate 500 times and then hired a Battle of the Bands contest’s last place band to score it.
Kristin: Nice Bob Marley poster at 2:50.
Leslie: Nice message but this really reminds me how nice it would be to take a vacation from our current reality.
Kristin: Whoever filmed and edited “A Gallant Gentleman” needs a raise. Nice.
Dan: I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you are familiar with the works of Explosions in the Sky.
Leslie: This is relaxing and I could definitely put this on while I’m working. It’s nice!
Kristin: I tried. This light is giving me a headache. Honestly and truly.
Dan: Once I saw that the first dude in this video looked too much like Eminem for my liking, I immediately muted the sound, but based on the visuals I can say: your decor leaves something to be desired. A hanging light bulb? My dude. No one in the history of electricity has ever gotten laid with a hanging light bulb in their house. Go to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a nice three-piece adjustable lamp set, some throw blankets, fresh hand towels, and maybe one of those fancy fragrance bottles with the sticks in it.
Dan: Sir, if I want a song to make love to, I will put on Bowling for Soup’s “1985,” good day.
Kristin: What kinda love you making here? I really want to hear the beat though because I feel like Ricky Rick might have done a decent job here. Turn your vocals down. I appreciate you for fixing the typo in your tweet though.
Kristin: I like this. I really felt like you were drowning at the beginning. Glad we got to see the backstory between you and the young lady with the gorgeous curls. One criticism: It’s called “Dancefloor.” MORE DANCING PLEASE!
Dan: The beginning of this video where the guy washes up on the shore reminds me of that movie Swiss Army Man where a guy finds a dead body on the beach and becomes best friends with it. He drinks his barf and uses his farting butt as a boat propeller. Oh, and the corpse is played by the guy who played Harry Potter. I’m not joking, everyone should see this movie.
Leslie: I would listen to this even if I wasn’t obligated to do so because someone tweeted it at the account that belongs to the website I work for. This is nice! I like your voice and the low/raspy thing you have going on.