A Definitive Ranking of the Most Emo Heroes in the New 'Avengers' Trailer

Hawkeye is burying his pain in bad haircuts, apparently.

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Mar 14 2019, 4:05pm

Marvel dropped a brand-new trailer for Avengers: Endgame on Thursday, and it is, unsurprisingly, as debilitatingly sad as the last one. The first half the trailer is just black-and-white flashbacks with a mournful voiceover; if that doesn't scream "dark night of the soul," nothing does. The back half centers around our intrepid, mopey heroes trying to summon the strength to not be so fucking bummed and, for the most part, failing miserably.

Everyone looks sad as shit. But who, exactly, is the saddest, you ask? Which Avenger is struggling the worst? Who's taking the whole Thanos Snap the hardest? Worry not! We here at VICE have put together a definitive ranking of the saddest heroes in the new trailer, from "doing alright, considering" to "burying the pain in a series of increasingly shitty haircuts."

Ready? Great! Let's get started!

TIED FOR LAST PLACE

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Captain Marvel and Thor. Thor may be reminiscing about his dead dad and waxing poetic in a snippet of emotional voiceover early in the trailer, but by the time Captain Marvel makes her debut in the trailer's last scene, he doesn't seem all that upset. Come to think of it, neither does she! They might actually be... Having a nice time together? Their little post-title stinger is the only real bit of levity in the entire, depressing-ass trailer.

Sorry! Your slivers of happiness have earned you last place!

FIFTH PLACE

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Black Widow. We get more than one shot of Black Widow staring forlornly into space, presumably awash in memories about all the lovely people she has lost, but she's not doing that bad, considering. It looks like she's found a productive way to handle her pain—namely, by angrily firing her gun a bunch. To each their own!

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FOURTH PLACE

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Iron Man. Boy, Tony Stark is in a bad way. He's stuck on a broken spacecraft, floating off somewhere in the galactic depths, waiting for the sweet release of death once his oxygen supply runs out.

That'd probably secure him a top spot on this list if it weren't for two things: One, his short appearance in this trailer pales a bit in comparison to his long, tearful performance in the last one. And two, it looks like he's back on Earth towards the end there, so rescue is definitely in his future. Cheer up, buddy. You'll be alright.

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THIRD PLACE

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Ant-Man. He'll apparently make it out of the quantum realm, but things aren't so hot in the normal-sized world. Just look at him surveying a telephone pole covered in missing posters. His face is a mix of shock and devastation. Would anyone actually print out and tape up missing posters in 2019, though? It makes for a better image than him forlornly scrolling through Craigslist posts, so whatever.

RUNNER-UP

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Captain America. "I keep telling people they should move on," Cap tells Black Widow. "Some do, but not us." In just about every shot of Steve Rogers here, he is looking glum as fuck. The only moment we get some emotional variation from the guy comes in the form of, uh, this face—which seems to point towards the fact that Cap is channeling his trauma into some serious ass-kicking.

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To be fair, anger is a secondary emotion, and to truly process his pain, he should probably address the underlying grief of losing half of everyone he's ever known instead of just burying it under layers of fury, but that's alright. The years of psychotherapy can come after everyone royally fucks Thanos up.

WINNER

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Hawkeye. What the hell is going on with this guy? He automatically takes the title here, and not just because of the shot of him brooding at night that seems cribbed straight from The OC. It all comes down to his haircuts. Hawkeye appears to have upwards of four different hairstyles in the trailer, culminating in this monstrosity:

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Sorry, man. I know you were hoping that mohawk would look tough or whatever, but it just screams "I am so lost in a crisis that I don't know myself anymore." It's the kind of haircut your middle-aged dad would get after a painful divorce. We know you're going through some shit, Hawkeye, but for the love of all that is holy, buzz that goddamn thing off.

Congrats on the win, though!

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