How to Dress Like a Right-Winger

Anders Breivik, the hideously, almost cartoonishly evil Norwegian psychopath who killed 77 people supposedly as a “protest against multiculturalism” but also because he is a twisted, soulless heap of hate, announced during his trial on Monday that he specifically targeted people who looked “left-wing.” He even spared Adrian Pracon, a 22-year-old Labour Party activist, because, in Anders’s terrifyingly emotionless words, “This person, (Adrian) Pracon appeared right-wing, that was his appearance. That's the reason I didn't fire any shots at him.” Clearly, if this crazed-right-wing-gunman thing becomes a trend, politics aside, it’s going to be much, much safer to dress like a right-winger. (I guess that will leave you vulnerable to left-wing gunmen, but, dude, have you seen the guys in Occupy? If they decide to attack you, just threw some gluten or red meat at them and they’ll shrivel up.)

This brings up an interesting question: What makes someone look right-wing? In this age of women with the short hair and men who are—you know—how do you judge someone based on appearances? And, more importantly, how do you get the homicidal maniacs who are, even now, wandering the streets, to judge that you should live based on your appearance? Well, like this:

BE OLD AND WHITE

Yeah, this is a stereotype, but as any of your relatives who get a little racist when they’ve had a few drinks will tell you, there’s truth to some stereotypes, “new metropolitan conservatism” or whatever be damned. So if you’re old and white (and you don’t wear leather pants or smoke weed or anything), you probably don’t even have to worry about looking right-wing—in fact, you might be right-wing. Lucky you!

IF YOU AREN'T OLD AND WHITE, DRESS LIKE YOU ARE ANYWAY

You can hardly help it if you weren’t born white, or if your birth wasn’t long enough ago to properly season you, so just make-believe. The key to dressing old and white for the ladies is to wear baggy, unflattering, but comfortable clothes—it isn’t like you’re going to have sex(!)—and for the guys, just head for the musty back aisles of the Men’s Wearhouse. Bonus points for waging ideological struggles that had become obsolete by the time of your birth like these Young Americans for Freedom are doing by reading Ronald Reagan’s old “tear down this wall!” speech in front of a replica of the Berlin Wall. Extra-bonus points if you’ve inherited your parents’ jingoism by the time you’re in kindergarten, like Lil’ Maggine here. And if you have to do something that old people don’t do, like “rap” in order to reach out to the unsaved? No worries! Just dress like a cross between a boy at his bar mitzvah and a particularly unsuave stockbroker. Remember, conservatism can be cool—but it probably shouldn’t be:

ABCD—ALWAYS BE CLAD IN DOCKERS

Sometimes, the power of the federal government, threatened cuts in entitlement programs, and the freedom of women to have abortions make you so paradoxically angry that you have to either paint your body in protest as the lazy Native Amer—sorry, “Indians”—painted themselves for battle. And sometimes you want to rock out and play guitar in your conservative rock band Madison Rising, which is a totally serious thing and not a joke, no matter what anyone says. How do you avoid being mistaken for a liberal and shot by someone exercising his second-amendment right? Wear some khakis. Boom! Instant turn to the right. Warning: You can go overboard with the khaki look.

FOR THE LADIES: PUT YOUR HAIR IN A HAIRDO THAT LOOKS LIKE IT TAKES HOURS AND POUNDS OF HAIRSPRAY TO ACHIEVE

If your grandchildren don’t run away from you when you try to kiss them, you’ve got to make your hair bigger—and those little pussies have got to toughen up. If they run away from your hair, how are they going to handle OSAMA?! (Or whoever is in charge of the bad guys now.)

FOR THE FELLAS: TWO WORDS: BASEBALL CAP

Make sure it’s not a cap representing the Mets, the Oakland A’s, the White Sox (Barack Hussein Obama’s team), or the Mariners, as liberals root for those teams. Actually, you know what? Just skip baseball entirely—if your cap isn’t repping NASCAR or the NRA, you deserve to have your face blown off.

PUT A REAGAN ON IT

Even if you’re going to do something unchristian and non-procreative, like this Aryan flower appears to be about to do, wearing Reagan means wearing conservatism. Fuck eagles or the flag—he’s the true symbol of America.

Photo by Liz Gorman

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO FAR

“Hey, is my dressing like a character from an Ayn Rand novel while a guy (not black, no race stuff going on here!) shines my shoes as I read a print copy of Glenn Beck’s news service, the Blaze, at fucking CPAC going a little overboard? Like, should I maybe tone it down?” Son, what the fuck is “tone it down”? Did Glenn himself tone anything down? Hell no! He cried on television over proposed changes in the tax rate! Every night! Conservatives’ idea of “satire” is forwarding bestiality porn with the Obamas’ heads crudely photoshopped in to one another until one of them gets fired from their Division I college football assistant coaching gig. Even though you may look like a walking piece of ideology, and an idiot, you’ll be safe—in fact, a marauding gunman might even want to shake your hand.

@HCheadle