Five Things That Nobody Is Allowed to Joke About Ever Again

There are a billion other awful things to mock, Twitter.

|
Mar 8 2012, 4:00pm

Internet funny people: We need to talk*. There are billions and billions of terrible things on this planet (AIDS, Gerard Butler, Wales, IBS, etc.) but you keep going back to the same five things. So, from this day onwards, nobody is allowed to make fun of these things ever again. "What qualifies YOU to make such a decision?" you ask. Well, nothing, really. I just want you to stop it, because it's really annoying. 

(Also, if you've ever combined any of the things from this list with this picture, you're banned from ever making a joke about anything ever again. Sorry. But those are the rules.) 


WORN-OUT INTERNET COMEDY ITEM #1: THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE

Have you ever seen Jersey Shore? Are you actually stupid enough to think that a person could say shit like "11:50PM? Is that twelve-to-ten or ten-to-twelve? I have no idea how to speak clock language," and mean it? You're MEANT to be laughing at these guys. That's the idea of the show. I'm sorry you didn't get it so much that you felt compelled to spend 15 minutes thinking up jokes about an unborn baby.


WORN-OUT INTERNET COMEDY ITEM #2: JUSTIN BIEBER

Oh sweet, your campaign to get everyone to go and dislike the new Justin Bieber YouTube video made it to the front page of 9gag! Congrats, you just made Justin Bieber more money than you, and more than ten generations of your descendants will ever see.


WORN-OUT INTERNET COMEDY ITEM #3: NICKELBACK

The exact reason you're making fun of Nickelback is the exact reason you shouldn't be making fun of them: they sound exactly like a billion other identically shitty and boring bands. Next time you feel yourself about to make a Nickelback joke, try swapping the "N word" out for "Staind" or "Creed" or "Radiohead." See? The joke still works. Which means you shouldn't make it, because a million other boring people already have.


WORN-OUT INTERNET COMEDY ITEM #4: THE TWILIGHT FILMS

You know that thing where you say you hate someone or something, and then someone will be all "you're just jealous of them" and it's really annoying because you're not jealous of them, you just really, really dislike them? Well if you've ever said anything negative about Twilight, it's actually true; you are just jealous. And not just that, you're jealous of a socially awkward 13-year-old who's having problems dealing with puberty.

But yeah, you know, it's cool, because people who get envious about things like that were totally the kings of the playground back in secondary school.


WORN-OUT INTERNET COMEDY ITEM #5: KE$HA

As much as it pains me to tell you that you have to stop mocking a person who has an actual dollar sign in their name, I have to. You guys have ruined it for everyone. Jerks.

*Another lame thing nobody is ever allowed to do again is start a blog post by telling an imaginary someone "we need to talk." That's so smug.

More VICE
Vice Channels