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Republicantics - Newt's Needs

After his surprise win this weekend, it is clear that the liberal media didn't realize that America loves us some Newt so much that we recognize his needs as a male!

Well, I had planned to write about the Great Satan, Barack Obama, this week, but then Saturday happened. My kitty, Lee Catwater, and I sat on my couch watching those South Carolina primary returns come in, and you could've knocked us over with a feather! Well, maybe two feathers—a giant human-size one for me, as I am a rather sturdy gal, and a weensy feline-size one for him, as he is a tiny little handsome Republicat. But really, you could've knocked us both over very easily, such was the degree to which we were surprised when Mister Newt Gingrich whipped the finely tanned behind of handsome Willard "Mitt" Romney! And how sweet that it took place in South Carolina, a state that takes pride in its rich history of humans whipping other humans. After the week poor Newt had, I think he deserved it (and a hot fudge sundae—Callista, get in the kitchen! LOL!).

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No, not even the nefarious machinations of his unhappy ex-wife talking smack on ABC News could keep Newt down. As of press time (press time being when I sit down in the bonus room at my Windows 95-equipped personal computer to bang out this column) the experts agreed that Newt had beaten Mitt in the South Carolina primary by 12 whole points!

Now, I think we can agree that the best thing to come out of this past week—besides a win for dear old Newt—was the opportunity to really get a clear picture of his sexual history. And wowza zowza, was Young Newt hot to trot! Back in the halcyon days of the late 90s, when he was just a white-haired, 250-pound young buck, Newt was raring to go—so much so, in fact, that he had enough vim and vigor in him for not one but two gals!

Now of course the liberal media tried to make this tale into some sensationalist story of how Newt is a bad husband just because he was allegedly banging a youthful ice princess while his multiple sclerosis-stricken wife fumed at home. And he was pounding Callista and cheating on his second wife while hypocritically trumpeting "family values" via his Contract with America and also telling everyone Bill Clinton was akin to a murderer for getting a blowjob (Which, to be fair, he was. All the murdered spermies perishing in that gal's throat! The horror!)

But what the liberal media didn't realize is that America loves us some Newt, so much in fact that we recognize his needs as a male! He's not some poncy "almost man" in a sham marriage to a lady, which Barack Gaybama probably is (Did you see what I did there, with taking away the O and adding Gay? Tee-hee-hee!) And if a strapping, muscular, virile stud like Newt Gingrich needs more than one woman to give him his "medicine," then that's what he ought to get! After all, Abraham, the father of one great faith and two heathen cults, had more than one woman at the same time! And Lot, a righteous man who refused to engage in buttsex, eventually humped his own daughters—two of them, because one comely daughter wasn't enough to satisfy his particular needs as a desert-dwelling freak.

Well, now that I've established the Biblical (i.e., legal) precedent for Newt's alleged behavior, it's time for me to brush Lee Catwater. Heck, I enjoy brushing him so much, I might just get another cat! (I am of course just kidding; I would never try to displace Lee's status as King of the House LOL!) I'll see ya next week, when we'll talk about the greatest state in the union, my home state of Florida!

@SaraJBenincasa

Previously – Nasty Nasty Boys