This is what Bournemouth Job Center (probably) looks like right now.
This morning, after several unsuccessful calls to our fashion department, and one to our accounting department, I got a call from some very, very high people standing outside the job center in Bournemouth, England, claiming that they were there because I had commissioned them to write an article about homelessness. After an initial, confusing, five-minute conversation in which they assured me that I had asked them to write an article, and wanted to know the whereabouts of the photographer I had organized for them (whose name, they told me, was Lazarus), I called them back with my voice recorder running.
To clarify, neither I, nor anyone else who works for VICE commissioned these people to do an article on homelessness. But I'm hoping that they send the photos and text to me tonight, because I really wanna know what they were talking about. I'll post it on VICE.com tomorrow if they do, and if you're in the area, maybe head down and verify that there is actually a gang of 30 homeless people roaming through the town center high on 2C-B? Thanks!
VICE: Hi, is this the person who called me a minute ago?
Mystery caller: Yes. This is [name withheld] calling on behalf of Adam.
So, what are you doing?
We're waiting for our photographer. He should be here.
Who's your photographer?
[Unintelligible. Sounds like "La Serthaph."]
Can you spell that for me, please? I can't tell what you're saying.
I don't know, I've just been handed it on a piece of paper.
If it's on a piece of paper, surely you can spell it?
Wah... I don't... I don't know what I'm going to do [long pause] L... A... Z... A... R... U... S.
Oh, OK, "Lazarus." Well at least that totally makes sense. Will you talk me through what you're doing? Because I'm still not entirely sure, but I feel like you think I'm involved in it in some way.
We're with some tramps in Bournemouth. Basically, a couple of days ago, we got sent here to... Two days? Or maybe three days ago? I don't remember. We spent a night sleeping in the bank. They leave HSBC open for the tramps at night. And we took all of this 2C-B, and we gave it to all of these homeless guys and they kinda went mental, but whatever, it was fine. So that was last night, and now we've just spent two or three hours looking at a Carling ad. Or maybe it wasn't Carling. A beer ad, or something.
When did you take the 2C-B?
I don't know. Some dude gave it to us.
How old are you guys?
Twenty and 21.
I'm still confused. Somebody from VICE asked you to take 2C-B and write about being homeless in Bournemouth?
Well, the 2C-B was an added extra, we were just asked to write about homelessness.
We don't really remember, dude. It's been like, three days and our minds are dead.
Are you sure you were actually asked and you're not just really, really high?
Yeah, we're high.
But you think I told you to do this?
It was just passed on to us, by some dude.
Who was the dude?
We don't know. But anyway, it's a fucking epic story. It's awesome. You want it written up?
Do you have pictures?
We've got pictures. We've got loads of pictures. Well, actually, we had loads. But our photographer is gone. He was here a minute ago, he's gone now but he's got loads of pictures.
Are you sure he exists?
Yeah. His first name's H. But I can't tell you any more 'cos he doesn't wanna be... you understand.
I still don't know what this has to do with VICE. What made you get in touch with me?
We thought it would be awesome.
What're you doing now?
We're completely sober.
You should go home.
No, we're going to stay out. This is fucking hilarious. We're literally searching for the place that does free refills. We're taking all the homeless people there, it's gonna be fucking hilarious. Just tons of homeless people getting free refills, haha.
Free refills? Of what?
Coke, or like, whatever you want. But we only have one cup between 30 of us. They're all lined up here. Thirty homeless guys.
OK. Well, when you're sober later, do you want to call me or email me or something? Write it up, and we'll run it.
Really? Yes, thank you.
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT