Advertisement
This story is over 5 years old
The Catholic Guilt Issue

VICE Mail

Dear VICE, I noticed the global trend report was missing from this year’s Fashion Issue. THANK YOU. THAT SHIT SUCKED.

by VICE Staff
May 1 2010, 12:00am

NO-JOKE-GETTIN’ MCGEE
Dear Vice,

I noticed the global trend report was missing from this year’s Fashion Issue. THANK YOU. THAT SHIT SUCKED. The writing was good, but the whole concept was retarded. There’s nothing more culturally emasculating than reducing everything dynamic into such simple terms. I mean, it’s really cheap to come out and say, “Hey, guys, this is it. This is the thing here and this is the thing there.” It’s like top-ten lists. It’s just so mild to define things for people like that, to lay it out for them in the most accessible way. I find everything illustrated in the pictures in this year’s issue much more radiant and subversive than selectively acknowledging a few hot people for how successfully they manage to dress themselves. The girl in the casket with the gold vintage necklace, looking hot as shit even though she’s supposed to be dead? Bears vs. Vikings? GREAT! I think we all get a little more out of a magazine we have to sift through to find the gems.

This year’s issue seemed a little more interested in fashion and less worried about how to look cool. Let those with an ear to the wind figure this shit out and blog about it on their own. Don’t dumb it all down by reducing it to rules and guidelines. It just makes looking in on things such a virtual experience.

Thanks, Vice.

Love,

RICHARD
Miami Beach, FL

Thanks, we guess? But just for the record, the global trend reports were always kind of totally a joke.


LAZY GYPSY MCGEE
Dear Mr. Vice Guy! 

My name is Tora Skirken Grunditz and I’m a 21-year-old fuckup. Because I’m nice like that, I would like to introduce myself. I’m a girl, a Gypsy (I’m not a good one though, due to my small hands. I’m very bad at stealing, very good at getting caught), and indeed very broke. I’m also a good photographer and I think I should be in your magazine, not only for the good publicity but also for the charity part. Maybe someone could give me money.

But if the money comes in, good use is a matter of definition. I’m sure as shit that I’m gonna buy cigarettes, weed, and pizza. Maybe some t-shirts. I dunno.

If you want to check out my work you should add me on Facebook. I don’t have a portfolio, which is fucking dumb ’cause no one takes me seriously, but thou shalt not whine, as Jesus said.

I hope you’ll contact me, or else I’m gonna contact you again. Terror-style.

Sincerely not yours yet,

TORA SKIRKEN GRUNDITZ
via email

Holy shit, do you realize you’re named after a troll? PS: You should really make yourself a proper portfolio, young lady. And get that hair out of your face.


SALVADORAN MCGEE
Hey, what’s up?

I just thought I’d take some time off from my afternoon and finally come around and write you guys praising you for the work you do. I’ve become somewhat of an addict to VBS.TV and the articles in Vice.

I’m a 22-year-old Salvadoran attending Stonehill College, and I’ve always been fascinated with travel, history, curious about the “real world” (the one CNN and everybody that isn’t you guys seems to ignore), and hungry to learn more about shit most people would probably think will get me nowhere in life. I was wondering if you’ve ever thought about El Salvador as a subject for either a documentary or a story or just for fun… considering the vast historical context relating to the civil war in the 80s and the recent political transition the country underwent, which is dripping wet with fresh stories of corruption, bribes, and sabotage.

Anyway, I just thought I’d ask and maybe plant the seed to see if this topic might interest you. On the other hand, I was wondering what one can do to become part of the Vice team or to, at least, be exposed to journalism and life as a curious 22-year-old dude who wants to fill the void of everyday college life.

Thanks in advance. I hope to hear from you soon. And keep up the good work.

PAT MURRAY
via email

We hear that the ruthless Mexican Los Zetas drug gang has set up shop in San Salvador. Your first assignment is to infiltrate the Salvadoran chapter of the Zetas, deal hard narcotics for a couple months, execute a few enemies to prove you’re not a narc, etc., and then write an exposé for us.


SINCERE MCGEE
Dear Vice,

Why do you give this magazine away in the streets? I tried to pay the guy for the magazine but he wouldn’t take my cash. I can understand if you want it to get it into the hands of people who have no legal tender or employment, uplifting them from whatever they happen to be doing with themselves these days. Personally, before I found Vice, I was doing math. I’d be happy to pay money for this magazine, seeing as the quality of the articles has increased significantly over the past years.

I sincerely hope to see your quality periodical continue to succeed. Good luck.

Sincere regards,

MICHAEL B.
via email

What are you, reverse-Jewish? It’s free because the amount of money we’d make off newsstand sales is a grain of mouse dandruff compared with ad sales. The only reason other mags do it is to give themselves a sense of “prestige.” Go spend your money on someone who needs it, like musicians.


LIL’ SKATER MCGEE
Dearest Chris,

Hello and good day. I am a longtime fan or subscriber or, no, maybe reader. Yeah, longtime reader. Anyway, I was flipping through an old Big Brother mag when I remembered that I had heard some scuttlebutt that Tremaine is gonna start publishing BB again?! Can you confirm or deny this? Well, write me back or email me if you get a tick. I figured that maybe you could drop Jeff a line or maybe you’ve heard yourself.

Thanks! Keep up the good work.

Peace,

DENTON
Port Jervis, NY

Chris Nieratko, ex-managing editor of Big Brother, replies: I don’t believe your name is really Denton. Parents don’t name their kids Denton, hack comic-book writers make up names like that. And Port Jervis? Really? Come on. Another comic-book or soap-opera name for a town. Since this letter, its author, and its town of origin are all fakes, I’ll give you a fake response: Yeah, bro. Big Brother is totally coming back and it’s gonna be epic. Go grab a twelver, it’s almost time for breakfast!