You're 18 years old and you've just begun the monotonous cycle of college life: eating like shit, spending your parents' money on your new, ethnically ambiguous friend's Adderall, and working on your politically-slanted street art. Your significant other, the one you fell for in high school during the mandatory sensitivity workshop you attended after someone scratched a backwards swastika onto the agnostic principal's Prius, is now living hundreds of miles away in a dorm just like yours. You've told each other that you want to "make it work" and that nothing, nothing, can come between you and your young love.
But something has been nagging at you since you've moved out of your family's beige home, the one with the TV in the bathroom and the couch that you humped when you first figured out how your junk worked. You've met so many new and interesting people (Zoey, the bisexual chess champion; Trevin, the white guy with bangs), have had so many new experiences (putting ice in a bong), and you've realized that you're no longer the person you were in high school. Things have changed. You've changed. Everything is different, and now you're starting to question whether that person on the other side of the country, "the one," is still for you.
Sure, they were the first person to finger you in public, and sure, they were there for you when your parents got divorced because dad lost all his money betting on Draft Kings. But now... Now you're finding yourself, figuring out what you really want, and a boyfriend or girlfriend who quotes Modern Family to you every night on the phone before you fall asleep while your dorm mate posts offensive comments on Sizzler's Facebook page just isn't that appealing anymore. Oh shit, you realize, this might be over. And, unfortunately for you, it's Thanksgiving break, and now you have to face your significant other for the first time in months And you know what that means. It's the perfect time to break up, baby!
They say that "breakin' up is hard to do," but I say that in these modern times breaking up has never been easier, especially during Thanksgiving break, when morale is already at an all-time low due to forced interactions with your defective family and justifiable overeating. Here's an easy, infallible guide to breaking up.
The Wish Bone Technique
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is when you rip the bones from the crispy flesh of an overrated bird. Invite your partner over for the ceremonial breaking of the wishbone. They'll already know something's up because that's just a weird thing to do. But don't acknowledge that! Take that bone and for God's sake, make a fucking wish. Wish that this breakup goes well, that no one's feelings are hurt, and that you'll still be able to have sex with this person at least twice a year without it being weird.
If you break the bone and get the larger half, obviously your wish will come true, so feel free to break the bad news at will. If your soon-to-be ex gets the bigger half, start whining that you never get the bigger half and it's so not fair and hopefully they'll be annoyed enough to see that "you've changed" and they'll do the breaking up for you. Easy as pie! Pumpkin pie, that is! Hahaha (help me)!
Chances are your family does not like the person you are dating, because, well, that's just how it goes. It's always, "they're too quiet" this or "their father killed my dog" that. Hanging out with family totally sucks, so why not spice things up a little this holiday season and let them join in on the fun of inevitable heartbreak?
Invite your partner to a post-Thanksgiving dinner hang out at your place like everything is cool. Before they come over, present your break up plans to your family over Thanksgiving dinner and assign them roles in your break-up performance. Instruct your nosy aunt to ask things like, "So when are you two lovebirds getting married?" and "Y'all fuckin' or what?" Tell your overprotective father to say something like, "If you ever hurt my child, I swear to God..." and then trail off ominously. Grandpa can cough on your significant other's mashed potatoes. You can even stage a stunt where your grandma gets hit in the head with a selfie stick and blames your insignificant other.
Once everything's in place, there is no way your future ex will stick around. Unless, of course, they like, really like you. If this is the case, it means you are left with only one option...
Just like the Pilgrims were honest with the Native Americans when they promised to live in peace with them and share the fruits of their labor, you should be honest with your future ex. "Honesty," in these scenarios, actually means "a huge lie that is presented as a sincere gesture of friendship." It doesn't have to be true, but as long as you seem like you're coming from a good place, chances are your future ex will understand. Tell them the truth—that you realized a relationship was something you didn't want at this crucial time in your life, just like you'll realize, two years into college, that you actually don't want to be a civil rights lawyer and that the only way you can really change the world is to perform long form improv and retweet articles about manspreading.
Feel free to leave out the fact that you might have accidentally, kind of, maybe made out with a person wearing Dia de Los Muertos sugar skull face paint on Halloween; an "interesting" person who's not afraid to wear hats and talk about race in a chill, uninformed way. They just so happen to suit your new and definitely unimproved taste.
At this point, your future ex will have become your current ex, as they too will have come to the realization that all good things must come to an end. And as you hand over a Ziploc bag full of leftovers your mom insisted you give them as a parting gift, just remember this: You are young! Tight bods will come and go, and there's no telling when—or even if—you'll meet the love of your life. But you're free now. Swipe right into the future, my child. It is just as dark as the past, so you might as well have fun and get some ass (and find love, or whatever) while you can. And don't forget to save the turkey bones for a nice broth.
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