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Vice Blog


January 8, 2009, 3:48pm

We got this story in from a model with dreamy eyes who "manscapes" every day before slathering himself in self-tanner and kissing his muscles poolside. He's really popular with the ladies, and can goose hot ass freely—and with nary a word of conversation, no less—since he's so in tune with the finer nuances of the female psyche. For instance, as he posits in a mind-expanding conjecture, "Women, when driven by rage or jealousy, are willing to do irrational things, willing to throw their standards and self-respect out the window to prove a greater point." Actually, we have no idea if that's actually what he's looks like--that's just what his personality projects, and that's us being nice. Probably he's a pasty horny dweeb with greasy hair, a patchy beard, glasses with lenses too thick for their frames—basically a comic book geek who thinks he's a writer, toiling the long nights by the glow of his computer screen in a dorm room. We're going to spare him his byline so as not to blow his cover as he stealthily navigates the world of getting trim. The first paragraph (or even sentence) kind of says it all, but we're also including the whole long-winded, appalling thing. Enjoy!

The opening party of the year is a Mardi Gras, and I show up with my pirate hat hitting on everything in sight. One girl who didn't find me obnoxious was this innocent-looking Quaker girl with braces. I proceed to talk to her for a long time (30 minutes) before telling her it was cold outside but not cold in my room. She told me she wasn't that type of girl blah blah and gave me her number instead. When I tell her I'll call her, she gets very happy. Naturally I don't call her, but I run in to her a week later...

She: "Hey pirate boy, what the fuck?"
Me: "Arrrr, what ye mean?"
She: "You told me you'd call. I waited a whole week for you to call and you never did."
Me: "Listen, I have an active libido. You made it clear that you are prude, so we don't have much in common."
She: "So because I didn't sleep with you the first night I met you, you didn't call me?"
Me: "It's about justice. If I would have called you, it wouldn't be fair to the girls out there who were willing to put out for me. How would you feel if you wanted to hook up with a guy, but then another woman moves in on your turf, ruins your chances, then doesn't even leave with the guy. What a waste."
She: "Wow. You are full of yourself."
Me: "I'm a feminist. I believe that there are women out there who enjoy sex instead of rationing the vagina like World War II supplies. Being a feminist myself, I'm more attracted to other feminists, not women stuck in the 19th century."
She: "Are you serious?"
Me: "Listen, I'm going to go have a drink in my room. You seem very uptight and could use one too. I can give you your first tequila shot."

To prove me wrong and defend her badass nature she follows suit. After a few drinks in my room, she asks me why I think she's so prude. Using reverse psychology, I dare her to prove me wrong, and it's on.

After a few weeks I get tired of boning her. After realizing I stopped returning her calls, she decided to just show up at a party she knew I'd be at anyway. I'd invited another girl to this party, who I paid attention to at Quaker Girl's expense.

I sensed Quaker Girl's jealousy was strong so I grabbed my friend Mike and told him to talk to her. I then made sure to make out with the new girl in front of Quaker Girl and leave her without saying bye. The whole time Quaker Girl is zapping me with a death-stare. Mike, sticking to plan, made a move on the Quaker Girl to take advantage of her jealousy.

Right before Jacob boned Quaker Girl she blurted out, "I don't know if I should do this, I hear warning bells ringing."

He responds, "Then what the fuck did you hear before you had sex with Circus, sirens?"

This brought upon me an epiphany: The easiest way to get laid is to feed off a woman's jealousy. If you're tired of a girl and are about to dump her anyway, why not get your friend laid too? If you piss the girl off enough she will make it her mission to get revenge by screwing your friend(s). That way you are building good karma.

I say Pay it forward, just like that movie with Helen Hunt and the kid from Sixth Sense. Women, when driven by rage or jealousy, are willing to do irrational things, willing to throw their standards and self-respect out the window to prove a greater point.

Seize that opportunity to take advantage of their emotions and hormones!

This scam worked so well, in fact, that we were successful twice more. Freshmen year Jacob had sex with zero girls. The first month of sophomore year, colluding together, he nailed three.