This Week in Food Porn: Chicken Kievs and Chocolate Pudding

Well, break my pig knuckle and call me a bon vivant, because lads: it's eating time. That's right—the shelves are ripe with the freshest ingredients, I've managed to hold type-2 diabetes at bay for another week and the internet is positively heaving with delicious dinner ideas, all there at the swipe of a thumb.

So, allow us to walk you through the aisles of the very best food photography posted to Instagram this week. Like a dinner lady gone rogue.

#nomnom #food #foodporn #foodphotography

A photo posted by Butterfly(@butterfly092288) on Apr 7, 2016 at 5:04am PDT

The amazing thing about eating a diet made up entirely of fried starch, phosphoric acid, high fructose corn syrup, and palm oil is that it actually makes you very—and I mean very—sexy.

Slightly salted whitefish cured in wolf's milk with white currant juice, sour cream whey seperated with dill oil, daikon steamed amd pickled in horseradish infused vinegar & thin slices of finnish jalapeno. Stunning dish uploaded by @benjamin.frostell #gastroart A photo posted by Gastro Art (@gastroart) on Apr 7, 2016 at 7:53pm PDT

Oh yes, you read that correctly: wolf's milk. As in wolf. Milk. Somebody slid under the fur-tipped teats of a blood-tongued, flesh-toothed wolf and gently squeezed her tits, just so someone, somewhere, could boil up a bit of fish and serve it in a bowl covered in what looks like pine needles. What a wonderful world.

…. ༄FOTOĞRAF SAHİBİ☞ @umranin_mutfag

A photo posted by @sahane.lezzetler on Apr 7, 2016 at 11:08pm PDT

I feel like I'm looking at a mood board for a successful romance novelist's 43rd virginity party over here. My fillings have started to fizz. Is that the bird from Twitter humping a cup? And, I mean, come on lady, we all like symbolism but an actual rose? Why not just make a hymen out of crystallised sugar and get straight to the point.

#scotcheggs don't have to be meaty. Try this beautiful stained #beetroot #egg with Piquillo relish #weekendcook http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/apr/01/vegetarian-scotch-egg-recipe-jersey-royal-wild-garlic-pearl-barley-broth-thomasina-miers A photo posted by Thomasina Miers (@thomasinamiers) on Apr 1, 2016 at 9:09am PDT

Nothing says fiesta like a meat-free, pink-stained beta vulgaris egg. Especially when it's appears to be floating up my grandmother's old wallpaper like a sulphuric asteroid.

Beautiful Wye Valley British asparagus ready to go into the spring salad of goat curd, pea shoots and smoked trout, from last night's @jsheekeyoysterbar dinner #seafoodfeast #rosiexjsheekey

A photo posted by Rosie Birkett (@rosiefoodie) on Apr 5, 2016 at 11:09pm PDT

Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are. Macbeth shall never vanquished be until Great Birnam Wood to high Dunsinane Hill shall come against him.

spelt chocolate fondant pudding anyone?! on this cold Melbourne day this is just what I am craving for a special weekend dessert! recipe on the G&F site! happy friday all! x #gatherandfeast A photo posted by Ashley Alexander (@gatherandfeast) on Apr 7, 2016 at 9:01pm PDT

At my mother's all-girls boarding school in North Wales—a festival of long knickers and talcum powdered armpits, overlooked by the local mental health hospital—the kitchen served up a truly arresting collection of puddings. They were called things like "Dead Man's Leg" and "Mixed Bathing." God alone knows what would have happened to their podgy limbs and tender hearts if someone had served up an actual, ejaculating, chocolate pudding. Premature death, I imagine.

|WELLBEING TIP OF THE DAY| Grapes are great for detox and water balance. Grapes contain high levels of potassium and very little sodium, which encourages the body to flush out excess water and toxins. Interesting facts about grapes are that when dried, fructose converts into a soluble fibre, fructan, which absorbs and removes cholesterol from the blood, and dried white grapes are an effective prebiotic, feeding good bacteria in the gut. Also you can freeze fresh grapes. A cooking snack, frozen grapes have the same nutritional benefits as fresh. #eattherainbow #healthytreat #veganfoodshare #hclf #foodblogger #nutrition #fitspo #fitfam #healthyfood #healthytreat #eatseasonal #homemade #whatveganseat #bestofvegan #wholesome #grapes #crueltyfree #правильноепитание #здоровоепитание #eatingmindfully #rasins #instahealth #healthylondon #healthybreakfast #nourish #vegantreat #wellbeing #cafedamanha #vegetariano #delicioso #verduras

A photo posted by By Natalia (@wellbeing_department) on Apr 7, 2016 at 11:05pm PDT

I once ate so many grapes I gave myself thrush. Fact.

Sometimes the simplest platters are the prettiest. #brisket #sausage #pulledpork #beefrib #corn #cornbread #HoodooBrown #RidgefieldCT A photo posted by Hoodoo Brown Barbeque (@hoodoobrownbbq) on Apr 6, 2016 at 9:37am PDT

I'll be honest, when I think of "pretty food," I generally don't picture four lacerated penises and a square of Victoria sponge. But then again, I also don't think to coat my dinner with a thin layer of bitumen and serve it up on a prison tray so, hey, what do I know?

Chicken Kiev with a Simple Spinach Salad. Our twist on this old-school classic is coated in ground almonds and filled with parsley-garlic butter, so good! Having a #SundayCookOff? Prep these in advance for midweek meals and pop in the freezer! Recipe in #GoodAndSimple

A photo posted by Jasmine + Melissa (@hemsleyhemsley) on Apr 3, 2016 at 8:55am PDT

As a child of the 90s—much like the Hemsleys themselves—chicken Kievs will always be accompanied in my mind by Golden Grahams, Findus Crispy Pancakes, Pop-Tarts, Gino Ginelli mint choc chip ice cream, and Lion bars. And that's just peachy.

Some sunshine in the bowl this morning. Coconutmilk yoghurt with mango, passionfruit, limejuice, raspberries & toasted coconut chips. Happy Friday to you! A photo posted by Carolin Strothe (@frauherzblut) on Apr 7, 2016 at 10:24pm PDT

I don't know about you, but I always like to start my day with a bowl full of frogspawn and bits of broken shell, eaten off an anatomical drawing of a cricket. I like to mix things up with the odd seasonal twig and scattering of petals. Or, on special occasions, a diagramatic representation of the mating rituals of cockroaches. Delicious.