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How Not to Die From Boredom This Christmas

Here's a bunch of stuff to read, hear, and look at during that lonely, long stretch of nothingness we like to call “the holidays”.

by Noisey Staff
Dec 23 2016, 2:55pm

This article originally appeared on Noisey UK. 

In that lonely, long stretch between the arse-end of Christmas and the start of the New Year, you're going to have a lot of free time on your hands. All the oiled, roasted goods have been eaten. The sherry has been polished off. The family commitments have been met. The grandparents are still napping. So, what do you do next? Chances are you're going to be sitting in front of a laptop screen, attempting to be as comatose and comfortable as possible, while also experiencing an intense level of boredom you haven't felt since you were fifteen and grounded and watched seven straight hours of a Hollyoaks omnibus.

If this assumption is correct, you're going to need something to get you through. The better part of us would like to think you've spent the year reading and watching Noisey—like our docs on Blackpool Grime and the United States biggest Christian music festival, longform interviews with Fat White Family, Tulisa, and Danny Brown, and the 10 Greatest Wrestling Theme Songs of All Time—so here are some things from other good people that may entertain your current predicament.

'HOW DOES IT FEEL?' BY PATTI SMITH FOR THE NEW YORKER

Here, Patti Smith reflects on why she struggled to perform Bob Dylan's "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" at this year's Nobel Prize ceremony. Really though, it's a piece about human emotions, why we perform, and 2016. Imagine it being read aloud in Patti Smith's wise American drawl, soak up these words like gold dust, and have that beautiful final paragraph printed out and mounted on the nearest wall, IMO.

THE FADER'S PRINCESS NOKIA DOCUMENTARY, DESTINY

Every single moment in this 15-minute doc from The Fader about Princess Nokia feels like a precious snapshot in time that has been bottled for the eyes of the future, when we're all dead. It's intimate and honest and glorious, and will make you feel sad and revitalized at the same time.

THIS NOSTALGIC AF EMO MIX WHICH YOU CAN THANK US FOR LATER

Christmas is the season of overindulgence, so what better time to listen to the greatest emo songs of yesteryear mashed up with all the fattest singles from this one? If you've ever wanted to test the limits of how quickly you can hit the roof without breaking your neck, hit play on this and see what happens when "Panda" goes into "Black Beatles" goes into "MakeDamnSure" by Taking Back Sunday.

ALL THESE INCREDIBLE PRINCE STORIES

In this piece from GQ, associates and close friends of Prince tell their best stories about him. Obviously, every single one sounds like an extraordinary piece of fiction, which is why it's so great.

RUPAUL'S 'WHAT'S THE TEE' PODCAST

Honestly, this podcast slays the podcast game. After one hour of listening to RuPaul and Michelle Visage chat about sex, drugs, mental health, musicals, drag queens, Hollywood, and the infinite wisdom of Judge Judy, you will feel as if your life is an empty vortex of nothingness when they are not making sounds into your ears. Past guests have included Debbie Harry, Elvira, Henry Rollins, Anastacia, Marc Jacobs, Moby, and a bunch of others who seem to have no relation to each other whatsoever, but who also make perfect contextual sense.

THAT TIME KENDRICK LAMAR MET RICK RUBIN, FOR REAL

Rick Rubin's garden resembles a kind of spiritual nirvana. Trees, plants, lots of green looking shit. All that goodness. In this hour-long interview, Rick Rubin invites Kendrick Lamar into his yard to speak about all the important shit one can imagine Rick Rubin and Kendrick Lamar would discuss.

ALL YOUR FAVES ON ONE MINI MIX FROM ASMARA

What more do you need, right now, than 20 solid minutes of cold bars from these women in rap?

SERPENTWITHFEET: THE ECSTASY OF EXORCISM

We love Serpentwithfeet because his voice sounds like it was seasoned, marinated, and baked within the golden gates of heaven, which is why we included his track "Four Ethers" on Noisey's 100 best songs of 2016. But his story is captivating too, which is why this profile in Pitchfork is well worth a read.

THIS EXTREMELY ESSENTIAL RAP ABOUT VEGAN FOOD

Are you vegan? Everyone's vegan these days. Here, enjoy this vegan rap. It's about Thanksgiving dinner but can totally be repurposed for the festive period. It's so catchy. Happy holidays!

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(Lead image by Kevin Dooley via Flickr)