April Fools: the day of magical, altered realities—where topsy gets turvy and things may not always be what they seeeeeem. But let's be real: It's the goddamn worst. After wading endlessly through Sports Twitter PR "jokes," I discovered that perhaps the only thing you can take solace in today is this delightful video of a Denny's Pancake getting violated sexually and physically during the NCAA slam dunk contest. It is very real. Very, very real.
Mississippi's own Craig Sword was going for some high theatrics—a la Aaron Gordon—by bringing in a mascot to do his dirty setup-man work in last night's dunk contest. The mascot, instead of being Mississippi's own Bulldog "Bully," was the Denny's pancake mascot. And while no man doing his hard work of running around in an overheating, magma-hot foam suit deserves to be pummeled by a college student, this pancake's face seems to be etched in a permanent state of anticipating calamity.
And calamity was bestowed upon the pancake, as Sword's, ahem, sword got jammed into the pancake's little buttered-up eyebrows not once, but twice. In retrospect, maybe choosing a mascot whose shape is an impossible hurdle for anyone who isn't doing the splits wasn't the best idea. The pancake got up, and asked for it again, though—not just with his calamity-pleading face, but with his hands—so you can't really feel all that bad. (Also, he's oh so pillowy.)
Let's take a look, again and again:
April Fool's be had. This is the safest thing you'll see all day, people. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can.