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Which Halloween Monster Would Be the Best at Sex? An Investigation

An exhaustive taxonomy of monsters, ranked by freakiest lay.

by Alex Zaragoza
Oct 24 2019, 5:19pm

Credit: Ulises Ruiz

Spooky season has arrived, and with it a thick layer of horniness that slowly rolls over our collective (s)cream zones like an ominous harbinger of goth sex (that's sex while listening to Bauhaus). Maybe it's because Halloween falls dead in the center of Scorpio season (the horniest of all the Zodiac signs), and the soft light that emits from a candlelit pumpkin this time of year sets a mood.

As someone who is 100 percent an autumnal bitch, I share in the annual tradition of watching Hocus Pocus every October, and getting a little too excited by Thackery Binx's transformation from cat to human. It's in October that I re-watch Interview with a Vampire and fantasize about getting an undead dick-down from Brad Pitt wearing a ruffled shirt, or during a repeat viewing of Witches of Eastwick that I imagine being the fourth in a polyamorous witch sex pentagon with the devil.

On top of that, Halloween monsters are extremely sexual. Much has been written about sensuality and sexuality in characters like Frankenstein and Dracula, but not enough has been written about the actual fuckability of these freaks that go hump in the night. What follows is an investigation into the hotness of our most beloved Halloween characters, ranked from most to least fuckable, because it's Hornyween time, ya freaks.

1. Ghost

This depends on many variables, of course. Is it the ghost of an old sea captain? A sexy Vaudeville dancer who died falling off a stage? Is it Casper the Friendly Ghost in his big headed, nice boy form or Devon Sawa form? There are many out there who claim to have sexual relations with ghosts, including celebrities like Lucy Liu and Ke$ha. Judging by their extremely detailed accounts, ghost sex sounds incredible. The gentle lifting of a nightgown, as Coco Austin, wife of Ice-T, noted of her experience. A blissful climax from an unseen presence, as Liu remarked to US Weekly. The long-departed Anna Nicole Smith even once claimed she'd have "amazing sex" nightly with a ghost haunting her Texas apartment. Ghosts can get it. Polter my geist, spooky daddy.

2. Wolfman / Werewolves

A serious contender, the Wolfman is highly doable for those with a proclivity for rough, grizzled types and flannel. They're not that far removed from the 70s and 80s male ideal (see: Tom Selleck, David Hasselhoff). Twilight, Wolverine, and Harry Potter's Professor Lupin (that ratty cardigan-wearing dweeb can get it) also did a good job of making us go wild for dog men. A hairy chest and gruff voice is certainly attractive to many, and when the full moon hits, those jeans are getting torn to shreds and the beastie is going on a rampage. They'd be aggressive, ripping your clothes off and tossing you around like a rag doll, grunting wildly the whole time. Sign me all the way up.

3. Dracula

Dracula is the most obvious choice for most fuckable, as vampires are notorious blood sluts, whether it's the OG bloodsucker created by Bram Stoker in his classic 1897 gothic novel Dracula, or the more chaste but hot vamps from Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. A vampire's intense presence is the kind that overpowers good sense, where you're like "this dude kind of weirds me out and is wearing a cape, but I'm sort of feeling it." But judging by everything I've seen about Dracula and vampires in general, you'd end up having slow, deep penetrative sex where they want to stare deep in your eyes and describe the physical properties of being inside you. Meanwhile, you're laying there in a candlelit room staring up at the lace canopy of their four-post bed as organ music or that awful Edwin McCain song plays. It's basically like the Fantasy Suite on The Bachelor. Cheesy as hell, and probably lasts 500 hours, and who has the time, even if you are an eternal being! Plus, he might actually drain your blood and will probably use his vampiric tendencies as an excuse not to go down on you. Typical.


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4. Frankenstein's Monster

Way too stiff. Movement-wise, sex with Frankenstein's monster would be the extreme opposite of sex with, say, Channing Tatum or one of those flailing, inflated dummies that you see at gas stations. Granted, he's a dude made up of the body parts of a bunch of dead people, but if Frankenstein had any brains at all he'd have hooked his beast up with a Jon "Hammaconda" Hamm-sized thickie in his trousers. And the monster man is tall, if you're into that kind of thing. If we're going by the iconic Boris Karloff version, Frank's boy has got the chiseled features that makes you want to open credit lines for that D. However, tall, handsome, and hung doesn't equate good at sex. Frankenstein's monster is just gonna lay there moaning. The one positive is that you can probably hook a car battery up to those metal rods on his neck and turn him into a vibrator. So there's that.

5. Mummy

Also too stiff! Why are monsters so stiff? However, according to the Smithsonian Institute, the ancient Egyptians who were mummified were mostly pharaohs or members of the nobility because the process was expensive, so, effectively, mummy got moneeeeyyyy. Rich dudes are too used to getting whatever they want to actually try in bed, but they do sign checks. (Do with that information what you will.) If you don't, however, a mummy's dick at least comes pre-wrapped, and safe sex is something everyone should practice.

6. Goblin

These mean little assholes might be the short kings of the monster world, but they're takers, not givers. Whether it's your gold or your dignity, a goblin will go in fast and hard, get what it wants, then scurry off with your jewelry. Those long, bony fingers might be able to put in some solid work, but in the end, these creeps are only looking out for numero uno. Don't expect an orgasm, let alone a text back.

7. Skeleton

Skeletons don't have flesh of any kind, and definitely don't have genitalia for penetrative sex. Also, getting fingered by a skeleton would probably feel the same as a pap smear, and I only get those every three years or if something's funky. The experience wouldn't rattle my bones.

8. The Mist and The Fog, or any other precipitation-based creatures

The equivalent of sleeping with a spray tan. If collected, then added to a power washer, then maybe it could be worthwhile. But that's way too much effort, even if genital facials are said to have some health benefits.

9. Zombie

This is essentially knocking boots with a decomposed corpse that wants to eat your flesh. Plus, have you ever had someone go down on you and accidentally use a little too much teeth? Imagine that but on repeat.

10. The Blob

The eponymous creature of the 50s sci-fi classic, the Blob is an amorphous gob of alien goo that engulfs whatever it touches. Whether it can be shaped into the form of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson or Stephan James or Indya Moore or Milo Ventimiglia or Michael B. Jordan or Dame Maggie Smith is unknown, but would be very important information to have for these purposes. Considering that it's literally a blob, as its name indicates, there's no reason to believe it has a sex drive, sexual organs, or an awareness of what sex is, and thus probably bad at sex if it tried. Imagine reverse cowgirling a Jell-O mold. No thanks.

Tagged:
Sex
halloweeen
Monsters