We Had an iPhone's Predictive Text Review Classic Nu Metal Albums

We Had an iPhone's Predictive Text Review Classic Nu Metal Albums

Apple's algorithms did a better job of explaining Limp Bizkit than we ever could, anyway.
translated by Steve Jobs
October 9, 2018, 3:46pm

When scientists from around the world all agree that we have a mere decade to make drastic, costly changes if we want to slow the pace of climate change, and when the government's spending history indicates that they will instead blow the country's money on military beans, it becomes pretty clear that we're fucked. With that mindset, life's daily tasks start to seem pretty pointless. Chief among the most pointless endeavors is the critical analysis of arts and culture. Why bother critiquing things that will soon be nothing but smoldering ash on our overheating trash planet? That's why we at Noisey have been embracing the pending human obsolescence lately and have been letting an iPhone's predictive text function write our music reviews for us.

For some reason that is unclear to even God himself, a few music publications have recently taken it upon themselves to reevaluate some albums from nu metal's "classic" era as they turn 20 years old. And while this seems like a tremendous waste of time, what cultural criticism isn't?

So, with only slight assists from my thumbs on things like punctuation and sentence starters, here are nine nu metal albums as reviewed by my iPhone in all its autofilling omnipotence.

The Sickness is what happens when the people in the gym all start tweeting about God at once. That’s why it is so hard to find a free version of love. But Disturbed can’t hang out with your uncle because he doesn’t appreciate dude time. Their album is pretty much the same as hell and it’s a success. Cool? Yeah, you can call it a nice shot.

Slipknot has to come out with a new album every day for the next year or they’ll die. Is it a weird idea? Yeah, but it’s not really hard to tell you about how much you will look like a dog. This record is a huge success among the most loving parents, even though they think they have a chance. They did, but it’s not really looking good. "Slipknot will be the next big thing in our world." The guy who said that sounds so cool.

L.D. 50 has the best job in the world. It just keeps telling you that you’re not gonna please anyone. That is what you want. Who wouldn’t want to give up on their dreams? Mudvayne did not really hurt anyone, though they didn’t know how, anyway. This album will go away soon and it will never stop playing in the bathroom. Maybe we could just take it out of the office... but how?

Linkin Park? Man, you gotta do you! "It’s easy to find a decent restaurant with a good selection of beer, but not as good food." That’s what a huge baby once burped. Hybrid Theory has a high school record for a used car salesmen. It’s not goth or anything but it’s just like a big box of black shirts. What do you think? Let’s get together and get some prizes for your birthday.

Toxicity is the only thing that you can think about. Toxicity is the only thing that makes you feel better when you’re in a rush. System of a Down is always a bit like a dream about being really tall. Or maybe it’s just a perfect place for pizza—that’s what it looks like. Don’t forget the last time we were having fun. It was so stupid.

Want to laugh? P.O.D. is what you want for Christmas—not bad for a huge head filled with coffee! Satellite tries so hard to tell people what they should be doing about global warming but it’s just not worth the time. Let’s get this done for the next generation of butts.

Limp Bizkit didn’t get caught talking to a bunch of kids at the park. They did get a good night’s sleep in class today, though. Significant Other’s artwork looks like the most hilarious version of a game that has a major flaw in it. But no one is in trouble with Prince. That’s why it makes you think about putting a bunch of people in Washington. True, if nothing else.

Korn has always been the most delicious food ever and we have to eat it. But it’s not really funny because the kids have had a bad time, for sure. This album is a perfect album for all ages but it still doesn’t make it any more fun. Jonathan Davis is the best part about this place in our big world.

The biggest lesson in Infest is that you can always get a bigger body if you try. Don’t forget about your right to be a good friend. It’s not a compliment to the record but it’s not that good for real love. Anyway, Papa Roach. They’re not gonna be a part of this game. The band will always get a free pass on their email address. It’s glorious. This album was not a perfect gift for the iPad but it still doesn’t have to play for Mom.

Sent from my iPhone