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Business Casual Sexting

Looking forward to the upcoming "merger." Ha, ha, bit of sales and acquisitions humor for you there!

by Monica Heisey
Aug 3 2015, 1:30pm

Illustration by Amanda Lanzone

To: daveh@company.com
From: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4, 2015 at 10:40 PM
Subj: possible meetup?

Hi Dave,

Just following up with you about our text exchange earlier today. As per your last message I think I would be interested in a high-stakes merger some point this season, preferably soon. You brought up a lot of interesting points, and I feel I can really trust you to take it to the next level. I think there's synergy here.

Let me know what you think; ping me back before Tuesday.

Best,

Steph

To: daveh@company.com
From: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4, 2015 at 10:43 AM
Subj: Re: possible meetup?

Hi Steph,

Great to hear from you. Happy Monday! Loved those images you Snapchatted, you're a rockstar. HR is lucky to have you. I've thought a lot about the merger and, at the end of the day, I think the two of us should pow-wow on this one. Have you given any thought to the finer points? If push comes to shove on this, I'm really ready to think outside the box.

Cheers,

Dave

To: daveh@company.com
From: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 10:50 AM
Subj: Re: re: possible meetup?

Hi Dave,

We're talking about fucking, right?

All the best,

Steph

To: daveh@company.com
From: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 10:50 AM
Subj: New development

Steph-

I'd thought we'd been discussing the issues raised at last week's PowerPoint and Q&A series but, to be honest, this misunderstanding seems like a win-win for everyone involved. I'm very much interested in exploring this idea and working together to start a conversation, that conversation being between our genitals.

Would you mind if looped in the rest of the team? Just to make sure we have enough boots on the ground. I feel like Brian in particular would have a lot to contribute. No bad ideas in a brainstorm!

Warm Regards,

Dave

To: daveh@company.com; leslieq@company.com;
From: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 10: 55 AM
Subj: potential orgy (thoughts, Leslie??)

Hey there Dave,

Absolutely--the more the merrier. As I'm sure you'll remember from the biannual leadership symposium, an open door policy is the cornerstone of our management style. Taking the initiative to see if Leslie wants to step up to the plate and get involved, also. (Hi, Leslie!)

Just a heads up that I'm putting a stake in the ground here about the participation of three or more women employees. For too long women have had to rub their wet butts against the glass ceiling, and diversity is a value we're dedicated to fostering company-wide. Did you know in most major businesses, women still get invited to 20% fewer viable orgies than their male co-workers? Let's ballpark this and see if we can't take a more proactive approach to getting some more female members on the team.

Looking forward to hearing what your team comes up with. Bcc: ing you on an earlier forward between Leslie and I regarding favored positions, for your records.

Thanks and all the best,

Stephanie

To: brianr@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; tylerb@company.com; markl@company.com; joshg@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com;
From: daveh@company.com
Cc: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 10: 56 AM
Subj: Re: re: potential orgy (thoughts, team?)

Hi Leslie,

Great to e-meet you. Looping the team in on here in the interests of transparency, and to get a sense where everyone's at. Personally, I'm ready to give it 110%.

Hope you're having a great day!

Best,

Dave

To: stephc@company.com; daveh@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; tylerb@company.com; markl@company.com; joshg@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com; lesliem@company.com
From: brianr@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 10: 58 AM
Subj: Re: re: re: potential orgy (thoughts team?)

Good afternoon everyone,

I hope this email finds you well. An orgy to me seems like a plus for all stakeholders. Plus I think it would really raise the bar in terms of post-work scheduling (not to throw anyone under the bus here, but Laser Tag did not feel like an optimization of our leisure time) (no offense, Tyler!). Have we discussed ejaculation locations? If not I'd like to float out an idea: Breasts.

Cheers,

Brian

To: stephc@company.com; daveh@company.com; brianr@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; tylerb@company.com; markl@company.com; joshg@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com;
From: lesliem@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 10: 58 AM
Subj: Re: potential orgy

Hi all,

Looking forward to the upcoming "merger." Ha, ha, bit of sales and acquisitions humor for you there! We have fun in this department.

Anyway, for me an orgy is a real no-brainer. Very much ready to fuck as many of you as possible in one sitting. Also wanted to add the input that I have a lead on a venue at a reasonable rate that should certainly be able to accommodate a group of about 10-14. Happy to liase with whoever's managing the budget on this project, or I can connect them with Brevin directly. Let me know!

Best Wishes,

Leslie

To: stephc@company.com; daveh@company.com; brianr@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; markl@company.com; joshg@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com; lesliem@company.com
From: tylerb@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 11:00 AM
Subj: Honestly Lazer Tag was pretty fun though

Tyler here: I'd prefer Medieval Times, but my resume doesn't call me a team player for nothing. Let's have this orgy!

Bit of housekeeping here: It would be great to include some out-of-town participants, just to put some dicks to some names, you know? I've also got a few erotic slide presentations in my back pocket, from unrelated, non-work stuff. Let me know if needed!

To: stephc@company.com; daveh@company.com; brianr@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; markl@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com; lesliem@company.com; tylerb@company.com;
From: joshg@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 11:03 AM
Subj: Re: re: re: re: potential orgy (thoughts team?)

Hi guys,

Paul here. Just jumping in to say I think we've lost the plot a bit on this orgy thing. If we could just circle back quickly to the ejaculate idea I think that's probably where we should focus our energies for a while? I'm interested in a "ready, aim, fire" approach.

I've attached a quick diagram delineating some potential landing sites (consent forms pending of course, Stephanie, Leslie, etc.) and also an informative brochure regarding "bukkake" I picked up during a recent work trip.

Sincerely,

Josh

To: brianr@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; tylerb@company.com; markl@company.com; joshg@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com;
From: daveh@company.com
Cc: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 11:03 AM
Subj: Re: re: re: re: potential orgy (thoughts team?)

Hey gang,

Let's square the circle on that bukkake idea and just let Steph and Leslie call the shots regarding the money shots, okay? As for the venue, I've been jamming some ideas back and forth with Brevin and he's providing some really valuable input. Would everyone be able to put up $300 each for catering, robe costs, and testicular lanyards?

Regards,

Dave

To: brianr@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; tylerb@company.com; markl@company.com; joshg@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com; daveh@company.com
From: stephc@company.com
Date: Mon, Sept 4 2015 at 11:18 AM
Subj: gameplan

Hey guys,

Love these ideas-a lot of inspiration in the room, so to speak. I've been looking at the budget and I just think we're just going to have to do more with less (we spent a LOT on those testicular lanyards!!). Is there any way we could incentivize a smaller event, taking place at my apartment next Wild Shirt Wednesday after group bonding drinks? I propose a schedule of trust falls, a quick presentation about orifice safety policies, a light break for coffee, then some full anal.

From an orgy standpoint, it really is what it is. Full anal sounds very much par for the course, group sex-wise, and the coffee is a really elegant touch (thanks for the suggestion, Leslie)! A note on best practices, here: Avoid the coffee if you're going to be on the intake side. However, if you're exporting, you'll want to be caffeinated for maximum productivity.

Overall, I think this event is going to be a great test run-we're just running things up the flag pole, basically, and seeing who salutes. Plus I'm really looking forward to just dripping in all of your bodily fluids! Thanks for all your hard work today, team.

Have a great Monday!!

To: brianr@company.com; abidt@company.com; michaels@company.com; markl@company.com; joshg@company.com; stevent@company.com; eloiseh@company.com; maryf@company.com; jend@company.com; timx@company.com; daveh@company.com; stephc@company.com
From: tylerb@company.com
Date: Thurs, Sept 7 2015 at 11:18 AM
Subj: Wednesday

Just wanted to drop everyone a line to say thanks for your understanding and to express my sincerest apologies re: the coffee misunderstanding.

Ping-pong next week?