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This Canada Day, We Celebrate Justin Trudeau for Being Extremely Hot

Since electing the Face That Launched A Thousand Listicles, everything in Canada is perfect.

by Monica Heisey
Jul 1 2016, 4:40pm

Screenshot via YouTube

As you must by now be aware, the current Prime Minister of Canada is extremely hot. Like, boy band hot. Jared-Leto-if-you-ignore-everything-he's-ever-said-or-been-in hot. Justin "Soft Lips" Trudeau is great news for Canada: young, liberal, feminist, and a strong nine/possible perfect ten, depending on your feelings about adult men who love Halloween. Like, he can't coordinate a handshake to save his life, and it turns out it doesn't even matter. Thank you for your congratulations and well-wishes. It feels good.

Some might say the physical appearance of a world leader is irrelevant. Those people are wrong—and, let's face it, probably ugly. Since electing the Face That Launched A Thousand Listicles, everything in Canada is perfect. There is no war and no suffering. We don't even have to pay taxes, because the country now runs on a 100 percent renewable resource: the longing sighs of women. We've been running Ontario for six weeks on the long exhalation between "Look, he's doing yoga on TV again" and "He seems like he really loves his wife." It is a utopia beyond Thomas More's wildest, vaguely homoerotic dreams.

Read more: Please Read This Excerpt from My Important Male Sex Novel

Yes, Trudeau's 2015 landslide victory was a triumph, most notably because it freed Canada from the unphotogenic grip of Conservative despot Stephen Harper. Life in Harper's Canada was bleak, and not just because he favored tax cuts for the rich, loved fracking like a dear friend, and enacted several measures to increase governmental surveillance while diminishing the public's access to information. To put it plainly, the man looks like a potato in a bad wig. He couldn't work his angles even if he had them. In this respect, he was extremely Canadian. Harper was only the most recent in a long line of aesthetically bland Prime Ministerial offerings: Paul Martin may have initiated fiscal reform that helped pull Canada out of a deficit, but he looked like a thumb. Jean Chrétien wasn't winning any pageants, and Alexander MacKenzie wasn't even sexy enough to be knighted. This thing went all the way to the top—until now.

Of course, it's not just that Trudeau is handsome. It's that he's really, extremely, frankly startlingly handsome. And when your head of state is a confirmed HILF, your country's problems melt into nothing, like body oil on a hairless chest. His strong, Roman nose cuts through criticism like a chisel freeing abs from a hunk of marble. A bout of Parliamentary roughhousing can be brushed aside as easily as a delicate brown forelock. Who can focus on a Saudi arms deal when the Prime Minister's doing one-armed push-ups with veterans, participating in a charity striptease, or meeting a robot and, presumably, teaching it how to love?

And he's more than just a pretty face! Like Ryan Gosling before him, he's a pretty feminist. Asked why his cabinet is made up of equal parts men and women, Trudeau shook his tendrils and replied, "Because it's 2016," A gif-able moment for these meme-hungry times. Certainly some elaboration would have been appreciated... just kidding! To quote BuzzFeed, "Justin Trudeau Had The Perfect Response To A Question About Gender Balance, Booooooom." Finally Canada has the leader it deserves—one brave enough to pander to a demographic representing over 17 million voters. Who cares that he stayed largely silent while our country's justice system failed multiple women who had been abused at the hands of celebrity radio host and noted indoor scarf wearer Jian Ghomeshi? Who cares that he's supplying Canadian-made weapons to a country where women can't drive or leave home without a male chaperone? Emma Watson's tweet congratulating Trudeau on his feminist statement made, like, all the empowering tweet roundups that week. Emma Watson! From films!

This is not to say that Trudeau hasn't made some exciting strides during his time in office. Earlier this year he proposed a fairly radical restructuring of the Liberal party's constitution, one that would, among other things, make party membership free and change its governance structure to allow more voices to participate in major party discussions. Wow, though, isn't that so boring to read about? There's a lot going on for Canada's cutest PM, but wouldn't you rather look at a photoshopped image of "Trubama" tenderly embracing? Don't answer that, I'm already down the rabbit hole.

I can barely remember what life was like before Prince Justin rode in on probably a motorcycle, kissing babies and graciously letting moms wonder what it might be like to kiss him. I don't even have time to imagine, because Trudeau's sexy reign has led to a 5000 percent increase in Canadian's number one favorite activity: being mentioned by the international media and talking about it the next day. Canada is a country that thrills to see itself mentioned abroad. Like a B-list actor up late Googling himself, we dissect and disseminate instances of foreign interest like manna from high-powered heaven. George Takei called him "dashing." The entire country of Japan considers him "too perfect." After he was elected, Trevor Noah mentioned Canada on the Daily Show! It is a sad legacy, but it is ours.

And besides, we've earned it. We've spent a long time watching the Obamas blossom and thrive in the spotlight. Canada needed its own almost absurdly telegenic and charismatic family to compete. Trudeau won Canada over when it was revealed that his wife—get this—she's also hot. It's a dream come true. One can only assume their children Xavier, Ella-Grace, and Hadrian (like the wall), will grow up to make our great nation proud as well, eventually going to Harvard, the Harvard of Canada.

The Trudeau family joins America's political dynasties to send a message to the world: that citizens of every nation can—nay, should—demand sexier government officials. That's why this Canada Day, citizens across our vast country are gathered everywhere in celebration of an aesthetic and moral victory. It is an international human right to have a head of state who looks like the Beast after he became a human.